Relationships and Dating
I hear the word “tribe” a lot lately. It is a buzz word of sorts. Just as “team” is to the professional life, “tribe” is to the personal life. I heard someone say that the five people who are closest to you say everything about who you are. That got me thinking about who those people are, and while I don’t know if the number five has any significance in my life, contemplating the important people in my life has me beaming with pride. I look at that group of people and there is not one I would trade in for a new model. From my children to my family members to my core group of friends and beyond, my tribe is awesome. I am actually a little embarrassed even to consider my tribe because every member is so strong. I don’t really feel like I deserve the tribe I have. But I am glad I have them.
My children, well, need I say more? They are the most important members of my tribe. What I see in my children is the best of what my husband and I had to offer, without the bad stuff. How did that happen? Or they may be great kids in spite of us! But they have surrounded themselves with quality people too so I feel comfortable with their tribes, as they are an extension of my own.
When I left my home and my husband in my home, I got a little bit of a do-over. It wasn’t conscious, but I had the chance to curate my own tribe to include those people who I enjoy, who support me and I them, who are interesting, and who are full of the things that were lacking in my marriage: transparency, integrity, communication, and trustworthiness. Those are my personal pillars (My tribe has a four-pillared tent for my visual).
So for me, the people in my tribe aren’t a representation of me, they are a representation of who I aspire to be. They each have traits that I want to have or wish I had and elevate me and make me better. When I think about what my future looks like I know now that I can only add someone to my tribe who is of that caliber. Someone who enhances my life and the lives of the people in my tribe.
No one needs to take my advice, that’s for sure, but take a look at your tribe and if there is anyone who brings you down, who brings down the level of integrity of your tribe, it might be time to rethink that relationship. I didn’t know how to do that when I was married, but I do now. Because when someone brings you down, whatever the reason, it weighs on you and it shows. I know it showed on me for years. The integrity of your tribe will always suffer as long as you have people in your life who bring you down or just don’t match up to what you want your tribe to look like. Change that picture in your mind then change your life.
Read More
-
You can be happy while you are alone. The same can’t be said for being lonely.
-
Sitting in a football stadium full of people, you can be lonely. It is not a question of numbers, but of emotions. If you are watching the football game at home by yourself, well you get it, you are just alone.
-
Some things are preferable when you are alone like reading. You might prefer to read when alone. It is great to nap while you are alone. On the other hand, if you are feeling lonely, a Saturday date-night movie by yourself might not be the best time to venture out.
- Sometimes being lonely might make you try something new to get over the loneliness. You might join a group or class that will allow you to learn a new skill or improve on an old hobby. The sheer making the arrangements can go a long way in helping with loneliness. And, you will meet new people and maybe form some new friendships. It feels great to take control in improving your situation, and the worst thing that can happen is that you still feel lonely. What have you got to lose? You can still be alone anytime.
- Laughter is great for loneliness and also for when you are alone. It is hard to feel lonely when you are laughing, try it. And, it is wonderful to be alone when you want to laugh out loud.
- On special occasions, to avoid loneliness, nothing replaces planning. If you know you are going to be lonely for Christmas, plan ahead. Do everything you can to make it better before it comes up. Let’s face it, nothing makes up for not being with loved ones, or not having loved ones around on family holidays but you can work on it. Last year I planned a movie with a friend for Christmas morning because neither of us had any plans until later in the day and it kept me from feeling so blue on the first Christmas morning in my life when I wouldn’t be with my children. I was alone when I woke up but had plans that kept me from being lonely.
- If you want to watch a big game but it feels so lonely to do it by yourself at home, go to a nearby restaurant or bar and watch for a while. Much of the fun is just being around other people to cheer on your team. It might take care of your loneliness. But, if you want to watch alone, no shame in that either.
- Speaking of bars and restaurants, if you want to have a drink when you are alone, well that’s up to you. If you want to have a drink when you are lonely…don’t do it. It is nothing but a slippery slope that will just make you feel worse.
- I hate to put this in, but cleaning makes me feel less lonely. I think because I start thinking about how great my place will look when someone comes to see it. How much all of this organization will make me happy when I finish. And, of course, I must do it while I am alone.
- Being lonely makes me tired, in a sad sort of way. Draggy. I find that exercise helps, as much as I hate to admit it. If I exercise and I am tired, I deserve to be. Being alone does not make me tired.
Of course, much of this is tongue-in-cheek, but it’s rooted in my experiences over my sixty years. I have to trick myself a lot in order not to feel lonely. I hope I won’t always have to do that. I don’t treat loneliness lightly, though. If you feel lonely, but you feel that it will pass or diminish over time, then that seems like a healthy attitude to me. However, if you are living under a dark cloud that never seems to go away, that probably needs help from the outside, whatever that looks like to you.
Read MoreI am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
I don’t know about you, but I have gained and lost friends over the years: some by my choice and sometimes it’s been their decision. While I have wonderful, long-term friends, not all friendships stand the test of time, in my book. That’s not always a bad thing…it’s just a fact of life and longevity: sometimes things change. I have certain essential qualities in friends that I look for.
Different Friend Groups
I do have my lifelong friends, and they are worth their weight in gold. They are the ones who are my home, who see me a little bit as I was when I was a kid, a little bit as I was when I was a young adult, and they see me as I am now. They remember my parents, the house I grew up in and my first car. And I remember those things about them. Those are the friends who can even come in and out of my life and we just pick up where we left off.
Longtime family friends are the ones who know me as a wife and mother. They don’t really know me as a single person, they know me as part of a couple.
And, I’ve made some new friends since I have been single, which was necessary. I had to. Until now, my world has been with married people, other couples. I needed some friends who I can call on Tuesday night to get a bite to eat. I have been working hard on that group of friends and I am lucky enough to have those people in my life.
Sadly, I have had friends who have dropped me and friends who I have dropped. Even long-term friends. I can honestly say about myself that if I don’t feel like I can trust a friend to have my back in tough situations, I’m out. Not mad, just out. It might not be my best quality, but it is true. Maybe it’s because I lived with a man who couldn’t be trusted, so I couldn’t tolerate that from anyone else who was close.
So, I have come up with a list of attributes that are deal breakers for me when it comes to bringing someone into my life as a friend or more. Without these, it will not be happening. These are not for people who are acquaintances, these are for those close to me. If you like it, use it in your daily life.
My TICT List
- Transparent: Transparency is maybe the most important attribute for me, and I have my husband to thank for that. I thought I knew him, but who I knew was what he wanted me to know. That was throughout our marriage. And, it wasn’t just the bad stuff: it was anything that he thought I might find questionable was left out of the narrative of his daily life and his life before Paula. So, that is number one On my list. I really didn’t even know that it was a thing…it is a thing.
- Integrity: That’s the core. And, not just the the illusion of integrity but the real deal.
- Communication: It killed my marriage and I am sure it has killed millions of others. The lack of communication is a death sentence for any relationship. I have one son who, I am sure, wishes to never again get the communications lecture from his mother. Without it there is just no way to manage the bumps of life.
- Trustworthiness: It took me a long time to really get a good understanding of trustworthiness. It’s not about telling and keeping secrets. It is about honesty between people. Not “Do I look fat in this dress” honesty (but the answer is always no). But the kind of honesty that lets you know that you are getting the whole story. Not a sugar coated version. That is a trustworthy relationship. Give me the truth.
Read More
Search through my blog posts