Relationships and Dating
I think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read MoreYou can learn a lot about yourself by being alone. It’s not always a bad thing. I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd. That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny. When I am alone, I’m just Paula. My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like. And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start. It can be lifesaving. Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered. It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.
Becoming Comfortable Alone
I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone. The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not. I was an only child so I always had my own room. I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing. It was my nest. I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now? I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!) I would just hang around in my room and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today. That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.
I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas. I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content. I was happy.
When Alone Time Can’t Be Found
Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab! Looking back, I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day. Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house. Boy, did I have alone time then!
Alone When it is Not by Choice
The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is. That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy. When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better. I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely. I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice. It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly. Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while. But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.
So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not. If that is missing in your life you can fix that. Carve it out. Find that time to recharge. I am aware that I have to have that to be happy. For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain. And, learn to enjoy that alone time. You deserve it.
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February can be a rough month for women who are sixty and single. I have never cared much for Valentine’s Day, whether I was in a relationship or not. It always seemed forced and competitive and just too much. When the kids were little I remember it being a huge celebration that was only rivaled, in the elementary school, by Halloween. It felt like a popularity contest among the children and among the mothers.
So, during the years that I knew my marriage would be ending it was torture. I thought I wouldn’t miss Valentine’s Day one bit when I became single, but I was wrong. I didn’t love it before, I hated it now that I was sitting in my tiny apartment with my dog, Red, having a pity party. Now, it wasn’t an option so it became important to me. Go figure.
February is Rough
Immediately following Valentine’s Day is President’s Day Weekend and that first year on my own seemed like every single human I knew went away for that long weekend. The weather was below zero and the word long to describe that three day weekend could not have been more accurate. It was bad, I was miserable and I now knew what was like to be alone during the Valentine’s Day week. I told my self that I would never again experience that kind of loneliness over a stupid holiday and a stupid long weekend in February.
Since that bad February a couple of years ago I have made it a point to travel during the middle of the month of February in order to avoid a meltdown. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, just one that keeps me busy doing something I love. I might go to my hometown and visit friends, or take a knitting class or visit one of my children. Anything that will keep my brain engaged is perfect for the middle of February.
Now, if you don’t have someone to love on Valentine’s Day, find something you love to do and enjoy. That’s more fun than exchanging a card anyway, right? Treat yourself, get through the rough days and remember Spring is right around the corner.
Read MoreI have written about dating sites for us long-in-the-tooth girls before, but I wanted to revisit that topic at the beginning of a new year and I added some abbreviations that you will want to keep in mind as you move forward in the dating world.
I have been married for the last million years, so when I found myself single and in my sixties, I realized that I would have to approach dating differently. As much as I have heard about online dating, it was completely foreign to me. I just dabbed my toe in the online dating pond and found that I had to be bilingual: I had to speak English and Dating Code (by the way, I’m sure that bilingual means something different online, but I couldn’t think of any other way to say it).
The first thing I noticed when I went to my first dating site was that men take very little time and put nearly no effort into the photos that they post. Do they just know that there are more women than men out there looking so they can come to the table, metaphorically speaking, with their belts unbuckled and their boxers showing? Really, have some self-respect, you guys! Here are a few things not to post:
1. Anything that is blurry. Why do men post out of focus photos? Can’t see? Just take another one. Unless you’re saving “film” or are trying to hide your identity because you are in the witness protection program, post a photograph that is in focus.
2. The picture that you took of yourself in your bathroom. Every single man with an online profile posts a photo of himself looking in the bathroom mirror. Men, this type of selfie never ends well. It just doesn’t. The focus is seldom clear, you are looking into the camera which is usually down around the belt and the flash shows up in the photo. While taking the photo you appear to be looking at your package. Because of the degree of difficulty with this complicated treatment, I have never seen one man smiling when he has posted a bathroom selfie.
3. I do not want to see a photo of your motorcycle. I know what a motorcycle looks like.
4. I do not want to see a photo of you in the seventies. It makes it clear that you peaked early.
5. If you are taking a selfie, reclining in your Barco-lounger tells me that most of your time is spent in that position in front of the TV. It may be true, but ease me into that.
6. And please, please, please do not post a photo of your abs. Leave something to our imaginations. We can see that you are in shape or not with your clothes on.
While the photos are completely self-explanatory, you either like what you see or you don’t, the acronyms used in the online dating world might need a little clarification. Most of us know that SWF means Single White Female, and BBW means Big Beautiful Woman, there are a few acronyms that have a different meaning to those of us over a certain age. Here’s some help:
D/D Free: This means drug and disease free. Important when you are young. However, only dating someone drug and disease free will narrow the pool considerably. There isn’t a man in my age group who isn’t on Lipitor, Coumadin, Pantoprazole, or Insulin. And disease free? Just try to meet a man without diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, or COPD.
FWB: This may be the most important acronym of them all. It means Friends with Benefits. However, say the word benefits to anyone over sixty and you are talking money, not sex. I would marry a man who was a friend, in order to get his benefits (Not really. Just making a point!). Benefits are never more important than when you are in your later years, so don’t even mention benefits unless you are ready to ante up.
MBA: This means Married but Available. Translation, married but asshole! Say no more.
DTE: Down to Earth. Well, I hope you are down to earth! What kind of man is full of himself at 70? There isn’t much time before you are six feet under the earth so get with it.
W: According to an online dating slang dictionary, this has two meanings White or Widowed. I don’t care if you are white, and I don’t care if you are widowed, but I would like to know which one you are and this is a little too open-ended for me. White and Widowed are not interchangeable.
GSOH: Good Sense of Humor. It scares me a little when a man above sixty says that he has a good sense of humor. I feel like it might be a “pull my finger” kind of sense of humor. Just tell me you are funny or tell me you like funny people.
MM: It’s not the candy so who cares what it means.
Good luck with all of this. It’s not easy but it is never dull!
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Being a newly single woman in my sixties leaves me a little untethered. What I mean is that I don’t feel anchored, I don’t feel like I am the center of anything any longer. I don’t know where I belong, where I fit in whether it is with friends or out and about where it seems that everyone is a couple.
When I was married, I knew that I was the tent pole of the family. All my children are adults now and are living coast-to-coast. I love that. I get to visit really fun cities and spend time with my children. What could be better?
But, I always knew that I was the center of the family functions, the family issues, the family travel, the family holidays. I was the facilitator. When someone was graduating, I pulled the travel together for the siblings so we would all be there. For the holidays, I made the arrangements for what we were doing. Travel? Here are your tickets and here is the hotel reservation and this is when we will meet. I know it sounds crazy but I can even picture myself standing in my driveway, the driveway to our family home, while the kids are pulling in from a long distance drive, or from being picked up at the airport. That was where I stood 100 times saying hello or goodbye or Merry Christmas.
Now, I am in a small apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, I am no longer the tent pole, or maybe, there just isn’t a tent. And, I can feel that very strongly. I wasn’t able to verbalize it for a while but something was off, and it was not about the divorce or anything about my day-to-day life. It is just under the surface. I am not unhinged, just at loose ends a little.
My Friends are the Best
The other piece to this is that I have lots of wonderful friends who include me in anything and everything. However, I spend all of my time with couples. Most of my friends are married, of course, they are. I was married for all of the years that we have been friends. We have traveled together. We have spent holidays together. Our children grew up together. I love spending time with them but when the evening is over, I go back to my apartment and they go home. I don’t feel like a whole team. They are still the tent poles of their families. And when it is a holiday, I am either on my own or I am the person they feel sorry for so they invite me to join them. So nice, but I am used to being on the other side of that.
So, this is not woe is me: far from it. I am a happy girl. But I need to find that tethered feeling again. I am looking for something that I can hang my hat on as I move forward in this chapter of my life. I know I will, but if you have any suggestions…
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