Friendship

I don’t know about you, but I have gained and lost friends over the years: some by my choice and sometimes it’s been their decision.  While I have wonderful, long-term friends, not all friendships stand the test of time, in my book.  That’s not always a bad thing…it’s just a fact of life and longevity: sometimes things change.  I have certain essential qualities in friends that I look for.

Different Friend Groups

I do have my lifelong friends, and they are worth their weight in gold.  They are the ones who are my home, who see me a little bit as I was when I was a kid, a little bit as I was when I was a young adult, and they see me as I am now.  They remember my parents, the house I grew up in and my first car. And I remember those things about them.  Those are the friends who can even come in and out of my life and we just pick up where we left off.

Longtime family friends are the ones who know me as a wife and mother.  They don’t really know me as a single person, they know me as part of a couple.

And, I’ve made some new friends since I have been single, which was necessary.  I had to.  Until now, my world has been with married people, other couples.  I needed some friends who I can call on Tuesday night to get a bite to eat.  I have been working hard on that group of friends and I am lucky enough to have those people in my life.

Sadly, I have had friends who have dropped me and friends who I have dropped.  Even long-term friends.  I can honestly say about myself that if I don’t feel like I can trust a friend to have my back in tough situations, I’m out.  Not mad, just out.  It might not be my best quality, but it is true. Maybe it’s because I lived with a man who couldn’t be trusted, so I couldn’t tolerate that from anyone else who was close.

So, I have come up with a list of attributes that are deal breakers for me when it comes to bringing someone into my life as a friend or more.  Without these, it will not be happening.  These are not for people who are acquaintances, these are for those close to me.  If you like it, use it in your daily life.

My TICT List

• Transparent:  Transparency is maybe the most important attribute for me, and I have my husband to thank for that.  I thought I knew him, but who I knew was what he wanted me to know.   That was throughout our marriage.  And, it wasn’t just the bad stuff: it was anything that he thought I might find questionable was left out of the narrative of his daily life and his life before Paula.  So,  that is number one On my list.  I really didn’t even know that it was a thing…it is a thing.
• Integrity:  That’s the core.  And, not just the the illusion of integrity but the real deal.
• Communication:  It killed my marriage and I am sure it has killed millions of others.  The lack of communication is a death sentence for any relationship.  I have one son who, I am sure, wishes to never again get the communications lecture from his mother.  Without it there is just no way to manage the bumps of life.
• Trustworthiness:  It took me a long time to really get a good understanding of trustworthiness.  It’s not about telling and keeping secrets.  It is about honesty between people.  Not “Do I look fat in this dress” honesty (but the answer is always no).  But the kind of honesty that lets you know that you are getting the whole story.  Not a sugar coated version.  That is a trustworthy relationship.  Give me the truth.