Friendship
I think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read MoreYou can learn a lot about yourself by being alone. It’s not always a bad thing. I have learned way more about myself when I am on my own than I have when I am in a crowd. That crowd Paula is happy and loud and funny. When I am alone, I’m just Paula. My time alone means time to think, time to process and time to understand what I like and what I don’t like. And, if you are not a person who spends much time alone, you need to start. It can be lifesaving. Without that time, that time to rest your mind and kind of zone out for a while, it is difficult to get centered. It is hard to fuel back up without putting on the brakes every once in a while.
Becoming Comfortable Alone
I have to say, I have always been comfortable alone. The man I was married to for more than thirty years was not. I was an only child so I always had my own room. I could hang out in my room for hours and hours and do nothing. It was my nest. I would do handstands against the door of my closet hour after hour (what would happen if I had to do a handstand now? I can picture my arms just crumbling to rubble and me landing on my head!) I would just hang around in my room and I like to think that the time was spent making me who I am today. That was the time for imagination and dreaming and wondering why some boy didn’t call me, then deciding I didn’t want him to call me anyway, then crying because that boy who I didn’t want to call me anyway, didn’t call me.
For as long as I can remember, I have always been comfortable being alone. I’ve been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout my life and loved being in big houses full of other kids when I spent the night when I was young, but I got to come home and spend the rest of my time the way I wanted to, without much interruption.
I was also a kid who learned to sew and knit, so as I grew up I usually had some project going, like crocheting blankets for my parents and friends for Christmas. I could sit in front of the TV making something for someone for hours and be content. I was happy.
When Alone Time Can’t Be Found
Then I got married and had kids and worked outside the home on and off and there was not one minute alone! And, just when I thought I was alone, a baby would cry or a husband would moan and I was back at it. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that without alone time, I was a crab! Looking back, I just needed that time to reset and regroup and get back to center before I went out the door the next day. Life seemed to0 never let up until the kids were out of the house. Boy, did I have alone time then!
Alone When it is Not by Choice
The sad part of being alone is when you are and don’t want to be and it is all there is. That is true loneliness and not fun and not happy. When I was first on my own again I had a lot of nights when I was alone and lonely and no amount of knitting could make that better. I could have wrapped the world in wool and would have still been lonely. I know alone and I know lonely and lonely is not a choice. It is having no one and nothing to go to and it is ugly. Even making the choice to be alone can make you lonely for a while. But the two are not interchangeable and I can be lonely in a room full of people and was for most of my marriage.
So, get to know yourself and know whether you need time alone or not. If that is missing in your life you can fix that. Carve it out. Find that time to recharge. I am aware that I have to have that to be happy. For me, it is as important as sleep, that is certain. And, learn to enjoy that alone time. You deserve it.
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February can be a rough month for women who are sixty and single. I have never cared much for Valentine’s Day, whether I was in a relationship or not. It always seemed forced and competitive and just too much. When the kids were little I remember it being a huge celebration that was only rivaled, in the elementary school, by Halloween. It felt like a popularity contest among the children and among the mothers.
So, during the years that I knew my marriage would be ending it was torture. I thought I wouldn’t miss Valentine’s Day one bit when I became single, but I was wrong. I didn’t love it before, I hated it now that I was sitting in my tiny apartment with my dog, Red, having a pity party. Now, it wasn’t an option so it became important to me. Go figure.
February is Rough
Immediately following Valentine’s Day is President’s Day Weekend and that first year on my own seemed like every single human I knew went away for that long weekend. The weather was below zero and the word long to describe that three day weekend could not have been more accurate. It was bad, I was miserable and I now knew what was like to be alone during the Valentine’s Day week. I told my self that I would never again experience that kind of loneliness over a stupid holiday and a stupid long weekend in February.
Since that bad February a couple of years ago I have made it a point to travel during the middle of the month of February in order to avoid a meltdown. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, just one that keeps me busy doing something I love. I might go to my hometown and visit friends, or take a knitting class or visit one of my children. Anything that will keep my brain engaged is perfect for the middle of February.
Now, if you don’t have someone to love on Valentine’s Day, find something you love to do and enjoy. That’s more fun than exchanging a card anyway, right? Treat yourself, get through the rough days and remember Spring is right around the corner.
Read MoreDon’t confuse loneliness with sadness: that’s a tall order, right? But, I have realized lately that there are times when I am doing just that, confusing loneliness with sadness. For me, the lines are blurred, but trying to figure out which one I am feeling helps me come up with the right distraction to get through it.
Was I Feeling Loneliness or Sadness?
I realized that what I was feeling was sadness rather than loneliness over the holidays. I was a little blue the closer I got to the actual festivities. The kids were coming in and I had so much to look forward to but there was an underlying feeling that I couldn’t pinpoint. I was busy, busy, busy and almost never alone, but felt lonely.
It wasn’t loneliness at all. It was sadness. Sadness for what the holidays look like versus what I wish they were: happy, whole family celebrations. Decorating, cooking, wrapping for everyone under one roof with parties and church and a big bow to wrap it all up. I miss it, mess and all: laundry everywhere, waking up when everyone comes in late, hearing about the night before. Now, the reality is the back and forth that comes with a split family. I always feel like I am missing something. I am not present when my children are having part of their Christmas. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate it. And, that is not loneliness at all. It is pure sadness.
Three Things to Try
So how can one help herself through a little sadness? These are on my checklist now for when I am feeling sadness and one or all of them may work for you:
- Know what you are feeling. If I know what I am sad about, I can work on how to “treat” it. For me, it means asking myself what I haven’t had time for in teh past, like maybe watching a moving and knitting, or reading. When I was married and had an intact family, that was often not on the agenda Not the same but I have to spin it for myself sometimes.
- I give myself a gift. I know that sounds crazy, but when one lives alone, there are, most likely, fewer gifts at birthdays, Valentine’s Day and Christmas. So this year I gave myself a bottle of perfume that I love. Not a big deal, I know, but it is not something I can pick up at Costco so it feels like a treat.
- Finally, I have a conversation with myself. I know, I know, that sounds so lame, but I do it. It sounds like this, “OK Girlie, this is how it is going to be for the rest of your life. How can you handle it from here on out?” Otherwise, I risk being the “have to make her happy” parent rather than the “ can’t wait to see her” parent with my children and their families.
None of this is perfect, I know. But we all have to work with the hand that we are dealt. The more I take charge of managing my feelings the more likely I am to win with that hand.
How do you deal with sadness? How do you deal with loneliness? I hope you will share your ideas.
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A perfect gift for the bad-a__ women in your life is Mitch McGuire’s compilation of the first 10 issues of his magazine, Refigural, which offers interviews and editorial comments from women all shapes, sizes and attitudes. The photographs are edgy and the content is as well. This Refigural
10 issue paperback is for that woman in your life who has everything but a stuffy attitude. You can find it for $24.00 at The Sunroom.
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