Friendship
It ‘s time for a new chapter at Starting Over at Sixty. Exactly three years ago I began living alone, having left my husband of more than 30 years. and while I know there are many of you who have been single a lot longer than three years, I can honestly say that I have felt a sense of urgency about starting my life over because I have much less time to do so than my counterparts who have been single for decades. I had to learn the ropes on the fly and get going to create the life I deserved to live all along. I moved into a one-room loft and started over. Fast forward three years and I moved to a much larger place. I can spread out a little and live in a little less cramped environment. I love it!
And on this three year anniversary of my life reboot, I have been thinking about how my life has changed and what I have learned through the experience and I could write a book, as I know you all could, and here are the cliff notes:
I Can Do Anything
When I became painfully aware that this marriage was finally over, I just kept saying to myself and my husband, “I can’t do it. I can’t do it.” I was thinking that I can’t do this to the kids, but I now know that I didn’t think I could actually do it myself: live as a single woman. I was a married mother of three and that was everything that I was. I was wrong: I am a woman who has three children and a really great life now. It took time. Lots of time. But I learned that the only person who was allowing that marriage to define me was me. No more.
I Can Be Anything
OK, I can’t be a supermodel, or a famous singer or an acrobat, but none of that is because my marriage failed. It is because those are not things I was ever going to be (I think singer still has a chance!). Honestly, I feel motivated, and strong, and smart, and courageous; more so than I ever did when I was married. Because my husband didn’t seem to value the things that I was good at doing, I stopped valuing those things, too. Now, I am back to living a life that is more in line with who I am. I don’t have to keep trying to be someone I am not.
I Am All Cried Out
I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true, almost. When I moved into my little loft, I was beyond broken. My hair was falling out. I woke up shaking. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. So as I was walking out the door for the final time on moving day, I turned around and gave myself a minute to take it all in. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and guess what: I didn’t cry. I could look at that empty place and think, “I made it.” I was all cried out.
It is So Far From Over
My biggest lesson over the last three years is that my life is so far from over. Really, I have just begun to get my groove back. Let me say this: it sure isn’t all sunshine. And I can be walking down the street feeling like a million bucks and some ugliness comes my way and my brain goes to the darkness that I was living in for so long. Then I pull up my britches (as my friend Don likes to say) and get back to the business of Operation Be-the-Best-Paula-You-Can-Be! So, I hope you will notice more upbeat content here at Starting Over at Sixty and less “my life is over.” If you are feeling like your life is over, it is not and I know you will find comfort here.
A New Chapter at Starting Over at Sixty
Starting Over at Sixty Sisters is a free 8-week interactive course for single women 50 and over who want to continually improve their lives through community and guided “best practices.” I can’t wait to meet you there.
To join the group go to:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ZYEXS9ICDsu5KDOo9PzAuQ_97meeXmAL3Ntp88ttpmU/edit?usp=drive_open&ths=true
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I was in my doctor’s office waiting room last week and picked up O Magazine to flip through. The issue was all about happiness and Oprah talked about the places where she feels happy: in the yard playing with her dogs, with the girls from her school, traveling with best friends. I started thinking about what pictures in my mind make me feel happy. I surprised myself when the first thing that came to mind was an old memory: I thought of my marital home, in the summer, on a Friday morning. I could hear the sprinklers on the golf course behind us and I could see that the green grass that rolls on forever on the course. The pool in the backyard was shiny in the sun and I had beautiful planters around the pool with lots of purple flowers and greenery. I always liked Friday morning because I was looking forward to the weekend. Maybe the kids were coming home, maybe not. Most likely my husband would be playing golf on Friday afternoon and we would have plans to meet up afterward. That was my happy place, full of anticipation for the weekend and hanging out at the pool with family and friends. That was everything to me.
Oh no! The first thing that came to mind was a picture of a family that no longer exists? A picture of a family that never was? That is not allowed! So I set my mind to thinking about where and what makes me happiest where I am now and guess what, my happiness is still focused on my family. What is surprising to me, however, is that I have not replaced the old mental picture with a new one. All my happy places in my brain are still stuck in a life that I no longer live and honestly, that never was, and that just makes me mad at myself! I thought I was killing this single thing and to think that the only memories that come to mind when I want to think of happy scenes in my life are ones in which I am married. That ends today!
So I have to make a conscious change at once! It can be very easy to look at the past and see it in rose-colored glasses. But it wasn’t rosy. That’s why it isn’t my current life. Now that I know that my subconscious mind romanticizes my married life, I am going to smash those thoughts right out. I’m not sure how, but it will happen. I have to replace those memories but I am not sure I have any replacements right now as go-to happy place memories. So I have to look to the future.
Replacing those memories are new thoughts of what my life will look like in the next year or two or three. So many great opportunities are coming my way and I think making room for them by clearing out the dead weight of my marriage memories is a great way to start. The happiness on the horizon now that I am out of a bad marriage is limitless.
What is the moral of this story? It might be time to clear out some old, romanticized memories to make room for new, exciting ones that are coming your way, or already have. You still have plenty of time to create what one day will be your happy places. If you are romanticizing your former life, stop it! Look at where you are going and imagine how happy you will be. So happy that what lies ahead makes your former life look like chopped liver. You may not be able to see it clearly right now but just getting started on creating a new vision for your life will take over your thinking and help you make new memories.
Thank you, Oprah! You’ve done it again.
Read MoreI always look at which posts are more popular on Starting Over at Sixty than others so I can learn more about my readers and their interests. One topic that repeatedly gets the most hits is loneliness. Loneliness is at the top of the heap consistently. Even if I reprint a post about loneliness it is again, very popular. That tells me that many single women over 50, 60 and 70 deal with loneliness. It is so sad because we still have 30-50% of our lives left to live with passion while in the grips of loneliness. Well, guess what, we are not a subculture: we are not an “also-ran.” Americans live more than 60% of there lives single. But, I am often heartbroken by the loneliness that single women feel.
So, that’s what I have been focusing on: a program that helps single women live lives that are as full and meaningful as they can possibly be. We need to live with the same strength and drive to have a happy life as we did when we were younger, no matter what our end game is. I am offering a free 8-week program that I am calling Starting Over at Sixty Sisters. It will include interactive webinars, actionable items to tackle and support and pep-talks along the way. Will it be inspirational? Yes. Will you be part of the conversation? Yes. And, will you feel like you are part of a powerful, vibrant community? Oh yes, you will!
I can’t wait to get started: just go to this link to sign up for the free 8-week course. You will hear more about it in the weeks to come. You have nothing to lose by joining and I know you are going to love the ride. These are the phrases that are rolling in my head every minute:
Never give up, never give in and go get ’em!
Read MoreThree years ago I ran away from home: I moved out of the home that I shared with my husband before he returned from work at 6 p.m. I moved into a one-room industrial loft, the one in the photo here, that I absolutely loved. The apartment felt small and safe. It was the one little place where I could hide from the world while my marriage was crumbling.
Last Saturday I took a giant step in building a happy life for myself again: I moved again. I now own my own condo (well, of course, the bank owns my condo!). I have lots of space and a wonderful view, two stories and the biggest closet I have ever owned (I will post some pictures when the boxes are unpacked)! And, while it is filled to the brim with boxes right now, it represents a new beginning for me; a new, happy chapter filled with hope and success and family and friends. “All that, just from changing your address,” you might ask. Yes! Yes! Yes! When I moved to my loft, I felt that it was important for it to look like home for my adult children. I wanted them to know that no matter where I lived, it would be their home. It might have been just one room, but it was their home. And that’s what it was, their home.
Now, while this is still their home, it is my home, it is me. My new place is not a miniature replica of my married life: it is a home for a single woman over 60 who has a full, exciting life. It is a place where I can entertain, where my children can sleep in separate rooms when they visit (rather than all in one room) and it is a place where I can really start my life over. There is nothing about it that screams, “I am a sad, sad woman who is having to pick up the pieces of her failed marriage and trudge through life.” Instead, I feel like it says, “Paula has overcome a mountain of obstacles and look at her now!”
Join My New Program!
So, I am launching a test program for Starting Over at Sixty followers designed to build community among women who are 50+ and single and want to live the fullest lives possible. I mention it here because the focus of the group will be how to take steps forward in order to live a life on the outside the way you feel on the inside: vibrant, vital and relevant. I want you to live in alignment! I hope you will join other women who support each other through this chapter of life. Please register here. This test group is 100% free and launches August 1, 2018. I can’t wait to get started!
Read MoreMy oldest son is 6’3″. He is all legs and when I walk with him in Chicago, where he lives, I am always behind him. I actually have to start skipping to catch up. And one day it hit me that I used to be the one who walked faster than everyone else. He inherited his long legs from me and I used to walk with purpose and at a good clip. Well, I don’t like being The slow poke. I have slowed down a little and I don’t like it one bit. While I embrace my age, I don’t want to be the slowest person in the bunch: that makes me feel old. So, I am purposefully changing that slow walk. Slow is not who I am.
Some of My Friends are Slowing Down
I have friends who seem to have given up. They are kind of coasting through life: not old enough to sit at home and watch reruns of The Price is Right and not working full time any longer. They are moving at a slower pace and it feels as though they are not taking advantage of this great time in our lives. This is the time when we are still able to do most things physically and we have the time to do them. We have the ability to think clearly, for the most part, and we have lives that we might have envied several years ago.
So I do not get the mindset of settling in for the next thirty years. I am filled with anxiety over not having enough time to do everything that I want to do and that thought keeps me awake in the middle of the night sometimes. I know it is crazy I am so anxious to get going on new projects and new opportunities that I honestly can’t sleep.
Be Active While You Can
I was talking with one of my doctors one day not long ago and he was getting ready to have some back surgery. He told me that he and his wife are physically active and that he wants to get his back repaired so he can still do most of the things he loves before his age prevents him from doing it. I couldn’t agree more. With no knowledge of what tomorrow will bring you have to do the things you love now, not coast through one-third of your life. Think about that, one third of your life might be ahead of you. When you hear that stat I hope it gets you motivated to get busy. Be active, volunteer in your community, ride your bike: whatever it is that gets you excited.
And by all means, do not act your age. Act the age you feel inside. Act the age of a woman who has so much life left in her that she can’t take time to play solitaire. You will be amazed at how much fun you can have when you fill your day with activities that you love. Or go back to work doing something that you always wished you could do. Or, retire and go to Europe, just as you had always planned. Keep yourself busy and full of life and others will start to see you as the age you feel as well. They will know you as a person who brings something interesting to the table rather than someone who sits on the sidelines waiting for the game to start. Be the game!
Tell me what you are doing to not act your age. I can’t wait to hear from you.
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