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Repost from 11/29/2016
A few years ago around this time of year I made a New Year’s Resolution, one that I would actually keep: I would do one kind thing per day for the next year. It could not be anything that I do normally, like hold the door open for the next person behind me. It had to be above that. So on January first I started my year of one-a-day kindness acts.
Often, the way I started my day was to put an extra tip in the Starbucks tip jar. It had to be over and above the normal amount. Some days I put in an extra $5 if I was feeling flush. I told my Barista about my resolution and let her know that if I put extra money in the tip jar so early in the morning, I could go back to being my regular nasty self for the rest of the day! She later told me how much mileage she got out of that story. So an extra tip in the morning allowed me to check off kindness on my list for the day.
Honestly, I can’t remember what many of the other acts of kindness were. They were small, like putting a couple of coins into an expired parking meter, or digging through my purse to put any extra change in the Ronald McDonald House receptacle at McDonald’s. I am not talking about a lot of money, I am talking about pennies here. Pennies that were not hard to let go, but added up by the end of the year. I think what I liked about these tiny donations was that they were anonymous, no one knew about them. No tax receipts. No thank yous.
I knit, so I knitted hats for babies. I knitted a hat for my son, who is not a baby. I signed up for extra volunteer shifts. I let people go ahead of me in line almost every day. And, while I would normally help anyone struggling with packages to the car, I did so more readily. I was aggressive with my helping hands. I was on the front line of helping hands! I may have frightened one or two people.
Who Benefits?
And who benefitted most from the deeds…I did. As soon as I made it happen I felt great! It was a purposeful act daily and it improved my attitude. No matter who you are, when you do something for others you feel great. It’s that simple. So in 2017, I am going to have a Resolution Re-Do and do it again. Not for anyone else, just for me. To make me feel good. To put a spring in my step. It is a selfish act on my part because I remember how good it made me feel. Let’s face it, this year has been rough and so divisive that we could all use a little attitude adjustment.
Feel free to join me in adding one extra kindness each day and see how it changes your attitude. You will be amazed at how making niceness a priority changes your outlook on life!
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The holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreAre you ready for some science and dating? In the last couple of weeks, I have come to follow a man who professes to have many of the answers when it comes to dating: I can always use a little help. Today’s email took me to this New York Times article that chronicles the author’s use of 36 questions on a date. I found her experience not only interesting but it would appear that it might have been a successful one, too.
She followed the findings of Dr. Arthur Aron and she and her date decided to take on Dr. Aron’s 36 questions. I don’t need to dissect the article and Dr. Aron’s questions, you can do that yourself, but, it looks like it isn’t a task for the faint of heart: it is a pretty extensive undertaking. I’m not saying it’s a chore, rather an investment of time into a possible relationship.
As I read the questions and imagined what it would be like to do the exercise with someone across the table, I groaned a little inside. Then I thought about whether or not a relationship is worth the time and the answer is, of course, yes. Even more worthwhile in my mind, is finding out that a relationship isn’t in the cards.
Take a look at the New York Times article then look over Dr. Aron’s questions and see what you think. The technique isn’t for everyone, but I might give it a try if I am in a position in which I need some clarity.
Let me know what you think about Dr. Aron’s method. Do you have any rituals that you go through to see if someone is right for you or if you should hit the road? Is Dr. Aron’s exercise something that you would be willing to try? Good luck with finding love if love is, in fact, what you are looking for.
Read MoreYou’ve heard the expression, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Well, it’s true. And, if you are single and 50, 60, 70 or beyond, a door has, most likely, closed in your face in a big way. You are divorced or widowed or have always been single and might wish that that hadn’t been the case. But, at some point, either a door closed or you figured out that something had come to an end.
So here we are, women who have had doors closed in our faces, some harder doors to take than others. What do we do about it? Do we lay down and feel sorry for ourselves or do we make it so that another door opens? You know the answer to that, right?
It’s hard to admit when you have lost something, maybe hardest to admit to ourselves. Accepting that a door is closed is tough. It’s over. But, you know what I am going to say here, it’s what you do with that ending that makes all the difference in how your life moves forward.
I have a friend who has been looking for a new job for probably two years. No joke, two years! Every door closed in her face and I am not telling you that she didn’t go a bit berserk over the months and months of trying: interview after interview with lots of hopeful signs, then no thank you. I spent many a Friday night after a rejection talking with her and friends about what she could do next. We all just kept saying that eventually something would happen and guess what? It just did and I have a feeling that it is going to be the best option out of all of those who didn’t want her!
What does it feel like to have a door slammed in your face? Bad. Really bad. Then I like to get mad at the slammer and I feel that is perfectly normal, right?
But then the magic happens: someone or something new and better comes along and I forget all about that evil door (aka man, job, other woman, client who says no, dress that doesn’t fit now). There is nothing like the feeling of the other door opening. Nothing. It lightens your steps, it eases your mind and you are a new woman.
Here’s what I want to tell you: another door always opens. Always. Even when the worst is happening to you, something good can come into your life and help ease your pain, whether emotional or physical, real or imagined, the pain will get better.
I want you to keep this in your mind and when a door closes this week, remember that another, I promise, will open.
Read MoreI am working on a book and here is a brief intro. I would love for you to give me your advice about being single and over 50. Let me know what you think about the book and tell me what your biggest obstacles have been. Can’t wait to hear from you.
If you are over 50 and single it’s likely that a series of events has brought you to this place: and even more likely that all of those events were not pleasant ones. Probably, life has dealt you some rotten cards along the way.
Through my website, startingoveratsixty.com, I have met and talked with so many women who are single and feel like something is missing in their lives. Life hasn’t always been kind to them and they are just a little bit sad. They want to be happier but need some help figuring out how to get there. I get it. When I first became single I felt like a deer in the headlights: I had no idea how to move forward. I was in pain, I was lonely, I had been married forever, I needed to make new friends, I lived in a new neighborhood, I didn’t know if I was going to have enough money. You name it, I was lost.
I began writing about how unhappy I was and through that writing I began to understand that the only way things would get better would be if I changed them. And, I was not going down without a fight! So I made it my mission to change my life and make it a happy one. I can honestly say that I am as happy as I have ever been and I want all of you to be living at your best level, too. I’m not a doctor. I’m not a shrink. I am not a wellness expert, but I am a woman who knows when she needs to make changes to her life and does it.
Why am I writing this book? Because I hear from so many women who are looking for ways to improve their single lives and I think I can help. I hope you find some nuggets of ideas that you will work into your own life. Let’s go!
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