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Do you trust yourself? Really trust yourself and your thoughts and intuitions? I thought I did. I sure did when I was young. I knew everything about myself, and everything else for that matter!
After I became single at sixty, I was able to step back and look at my adult life and see where I went wrong, how my marriage had changed me, figure out what made me make some really bad decisions, and how I got where I am today. You know, the rundown of my life that goes around and around in my head at night when I can’t sleep. Please tell me I’m not the only one!
Last night was no exception: I tossed and turned for hours, ruminating about a couple of areas of my life. While I turn over from my right side to my left I am saying to myself, “What is wrong with you? What are you so worried about ALL THE TIME?”
And, here it is: I don’t trust myself. Crazy but true. I don’t trust myself after years of making terrible life choices, I just feel I can’t depend on myself. I hate it, but it’s true. Where did that come from, for the girl who thought she had the world by the tail once upon a time? The following seem to be common themes in my worried world:
Lack of Time
Time, or the lack of it, seems to hang over my head always. I feel a fear that I just don’t have enough time to still make some of my dreams come true. But, there is very little rationality to that thinking. Yes, I am not young and my new biological clock is ticking (the one that is counting down the total days, not the baby-making ones). Guess what? It was always ticking, it was just much less likely that it would stop when I was young! I now feel this nagging urgency that I have written about several times. The urgency feels so strong that I have butterflies in my stomach when I wake up. But, is it worth losing sleep over?
I have no illnesses that I know of, I am in fairly good shape and there is no reason for me to fear that the end is near, but I do and I want to stop right now! I would much rather lose sleep over something I can control, or over something that is actually real!
Lack of Funds
I can’t be alone in worrying about money in my mid-sixties, but that doesn’t make it any better. I think I have enough, and I am not retired by any means, but that constant fear about money haunts me night and day. I put money away every month like a good girl, I watch my spending, all the things that I am supposed to do but it still doesn’t make me feel calm and secure. Even my financial advisor told me to lighten up (not her exact words).
I have always had confidence in myself and my ability to earn a living, and it’s not that I have changed my mind on that, but I do feel like I can’t see a clear path to living the life that I want to live. Someone tell me the direction I should go and I’ll just do it (maybe that’s the problem)!
Love
This is a big one for me. I am finding that I don’t quite trust myself when it comes to picking a partner (as if I have a swarm of men at my door and I just need to point to one). Clearly, I didn’t make a great decision when I picked the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. And my relationship after that had a sad ending. What now? Don’t know, but I can tell you I don’t sleep at all when I have met someone who I kind of like and who likes me because it activates the worry wagon in my head. I put a lot of pressure when it comes to matters of the heart and I’m not sure that’s necessary. Rats!
I do know that every woman I know that I talk with in my age group feels unsettled. It is an unsettling age, for sure, and I had no idea that it would be. But I want to find a way to reduce the anguish in my brain at night and enjoy all of the great things in my life, while I have them. Maybe that’s the angst.
Do my Starting Over at Sixty Sisters have the same feelings? Any ideas for a more calm, settled Paula?
Read MoreAbout six months ago I found myself at a low point. Things weren’t going well and something just had to give. I planned a little trip to get away from things for a few days and threw my bike in my car. Nothing fancy, just had t get out fo town. I had no idea at the time, but I had actually figured out a strategy for making change in my own life and you can do the same: create your own disruptor.
While I was on that long weekend away I saw things so clearly. I was able to make a plan. Just the simple act of physically leaving my troubles behind had created a situation that disrupted my thinking and opened up a path to make changes to fix what was broken.
Fast forward and I have been feeling the same way that I did several months ago: certain aspects of my life just haven’t been working well. I have been stuck in a bad situation that felt like it had no end in sight and has been bringing me down for a year. It hit a low point this week and I knew I had to do something.
Coincidently, I hopped on a plane this week to visit my son and when I was on the plane, I mean just a few hours after we departed, I became so clear about how I was going to move forward on this issue. Crazy, right? And just like that, the weight of the world seemed to lift right off my shoulders. It was magic.
The only way I can describe this new tactic is that I created my own disruptor: for me, just the act of getting myself out of my routine and putting a little distance between me and my worries gave me such clarity that I feel like a new woman. It’s not that the problems are gone, but by disrupting my daily life pattern, I am able to see them in a different light.
I promise you that these difficulties are not over, but the load is dramatically decreased and it is because I changed my thoughts by disrupting my surroundings and feelings about them.
I know that disruptor is kind of a buzz word, but it’s the only way I can think to describe what is working for me. It is a pivot. A turning on your heels. And I feel like I might need to do something like this about every six months to clear my head for the next challenges.
For you, create your own disruptor if you need some clarity; if you need to make some change when things aren’t going at all the way you thought they would. You know what to do now. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Your disruption can be whatever you want it to be, but it should get you away from your daily life and surroundings, kind of like your own private retreat.
Read MoreYou might remember that in the early fall I wrote about setting goals for the last quarter of 2019, rather than just coasting until it was time to make New Year’s resolutions. I hope many of you did just that and that you found yourself feeling great about not cruising through the last few months of the year getting nowhere.
Well, I did that, but I came up short in one area: I had a weight goal that I promised myself I would hit by the end of 2019 and I didn’t get there. I’m not really dieting, just slowly getting back down to the woman I used to be. OK, a little more than the woman I used to be, but closer than I have been in many years. I didn’t stick to watching what I was eating during the holidays, so I didn’t make the goal.
Now, here’s what I did differently than I have in the past: I kept going. Rather than my usual, “Oh well, I guess I will have to start over later when the weather gets better,” I got back on track and kept the goal in mind. Well, guess what, I got there. I may be about six weeks late on my goal, but I am there. I am proud of myself and ready for the next five pounds.
A few pounds wasn’t the only goal on my list and I got there on most everything. I am continuing to work on those goals that still need to be checked off and actually I have another goal that I will finish up this week, I hope. If not, what will I say to myself?
NEVER GIVE UP and JUST KEEP GOING!
Was it the weight that mattered or the goal achievement that matters more? Both are important to me right now, but honestly, I think reaching and surpassing a goal is the most fulfilling piece of the puzzle. I needed that, for sure. The few pounds is great, don’t get me wrong, but those little buggers are secondary to being proud of myself for doing it and not giving up. for taking control of an area of my life that always gives me
Now what, five more of course.
Do this: set some small goals. Not so small that they count, but small like flossing every night for a month. That’s all it takes. Why, first, because it will establish a pattern for you to continue. For me, right now, I have hit upon a way of eating that works for me consistently. When I get away from it, I start to go south, so, I get back to it and within a few days I’m bac on track. It works for me. If it’s flossing, and you do it for a month, you will know that you can do it and you should do it and you are feeling guilty when you aren’t doing it. Same for exercise, or getting enough sleep, being on-time, writing thank you notes and going to chu
Read MoreRepost from 4/29/2020
I spoke to a group of women several months ago about confidence. The group was composed of women over fifty, some single and some not. About halfway through the discussion, I realized that my talk was not resonating with the whole group. It was falling flat. I could see some faces glazing over, and I learned a valuable lesson that night.
When I speak with other single women about confidence, they are all ears. We single women 50+ know that confidence can often be lacking in our lives. But, I think it’s not as critical for our married counterparts. Hmm.
There are lots of reasons for a lack of confidence that we share with our married sisters: our parts are all starting to break down a little and we all sometimes feel invisible. But, when I became single after 32 years of marriage, I realized that there was one confidence buster that I didn’t even know existed. Entering every room alone. That’s it for me. 100% of the time entering the room alone.
Seems silly doesn’t it. But it’s true and it’s there always. I’m not talking about grocery stores and gyms, of course. I know how to do that. But here is a shortlist of the places that I might walk into alone often: church, weddings, restaurants, funerals, movies, sporting events (well not really), concerts, graduations. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And that can easily eat away at confidence.
Close your eyes and think about yourself when you were a young woman for a minute. Remember when you felt like you owned the room? Like you were vital to what was happening? Like everyone would want you to sit with them? I try to muster up that feeling sometimes now to fool myself into confidence.
The most important trick you can use as you spend your life walking into everywhere alone is planning. I know you hear me talk about planning all the time, but it really helps settle your nerves if you are heading into uncharted territory (let’s say you are fearful that you will run into your former husband at a graduation party).
Make a Plan
Make a plan to meet a friend or colleague at your destination. Ask a friend to save you a seat and try to get there after you think she will have arrived. It gives you someone to look for rather than having a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face.
Walk With Purpose
When I am going into a crowded restaurant or bar and I feel a little uncomfortable about it, I just head in like I am the most important person in the room. Head held high, walking with a purpose, looking like I know right where I’m going, even if I head right to the Ladies Room. I put on my “I am so important and busy,” posture and no one is the wiser. I might be scared to death but if I walk with purpose I don’t look it.
Laugh at Your Phone
For so many reasons our cell phone is our friend, but never so much so as when we need to look very busy or very important or very popular. I will admit that I have, on more than one occasion, looked at my texts and laughed out loud at absolutely nothing, just to appear that I am very much in demand. I hope I fool at least one person.
What are your tricks to looking confident when you are not? We can all learn from each other and grow more confident. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Read MoreSeveral years ago a friend told me about being at a party where they had an activity: they made what I later learned were called Blessing Bags. This time of year is the perfect time to make some yourself and keep them in your car for times when you see someone who needs a hand. I usually make ten and sometimes I don’t go through them all in one winter and sometimes I need to make more.
You can put anything in your bags, (and every time I post this I get great suggestions) so make them your own. In a zip-top bag, I put a bottle of water, a couple of granola bars, a hat, a pair of socks, a pair of gloves, and hand warmers. Some people add a couple of dollars, while others add a bus ticket in the bags. I have had suggestions of products made especially for women. Whatever you think is important and portable can go in your bag.
I’ve never had anyone turn the bag away when I handed it out my car window, often on the exit ramp from the highway. They may have preferred cash, but lots of people want to help but don’t want to give someone money, so the bag allows you to help in a way that feels comfortable to you.
Make a “batch” of blessing bags and keep them in your car or keep one in your backpack. It is a positive way to help out during the cold winter months. And, remember that the bags can be helpful in severe heat, also. One of my friends saw a need while serving food at a shelter in the summer when it was sweltering. She made bags with a couple of bottles of water, bus passes to get cool, chapstick, sunscreen, and hand fans. Great idea!
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