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Ask yourself these questions:
Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your instincts? Do you listen to what your mind and your heart are telling you or, do you argue with that little voice in your head? Or even tell that voice to shut-up?
When I was a young woman I had good instincts and made good decisions. I think I knew myself well. But, that changed.
For the past three decades or more I stopped listening to myself. I stopped listening because I knew that little voice was right about my marriage, my husband, my career moves, about everything. Throughout my married life, I had to shut down my instincts because listening to them meant breaking up my children’s family (I guess that came from the motherly instinct to hold the family together). I can sit here and name a hundred times when I had to convince myself about one story while I knew the truth was another. Consequently, so many of my decisions were poor at best and disastrous on the bottom end. My personality was different. Some of the people I spent time with would not be a match today. I had no self-confidence, although no one who knew me would have believed that. And, I didn’t like myself for many of the last thirty years, not because I thought I was bad, just not me. In short, I was not myself because I wasn’t listening to my heart and my mind and following that path.
I need to put a disclaimer here for my children: every second that I spent with them and on them was my only real joy. That was real, that was authentic, that was the place where I listened to my instincts. They were and are my North Star.
Today, I am the happiest that I think I have been in a long time. Of course, I am disappointed that I am soon to be divorced, but I can only use that as a springboard for the new life I want to lead. Since the day I knew that my marriage was finally over, I have been listening to the voice in my head and the decisions I have made have all been the right ones. Everything just fell into place once I got myself back. My hair even started growing back (yes, I had lost a lot of hair and I didn’t start with much). I now listen to my heart and my head and they haven’t steered me wrong yet.
Read MoreI am pretty much OK with the way I look. Of course, I could always look better, and I wish I weighed less, but what else is new? There are things, however, that no one tells you about aging and what it does to the body. Just as no woman tells you what it will feel like to push a human out of your vagina, no woman goes to the dark side to let you know the horror of what lies ahead when you look into the mirror during the last 30 or so years of your life. Well, get ready, because it is not pretty. Take notes if you dare.
The Arms Race
I work out pretty regularly so I feel like I should see at least a little muscle in my arms. But, no matter how hard I work or how much I lift, when I raise my arms, let’s say to dance, there is a force so powerful that it begins a ripple at the shoulders and continues down to my elbows. It is unstoppable. It isn’t just skin: it is skin then kind of a buffer layer, then what I can only refer to as blubber. You could power a lantern for a week with my upper arm “material”. I don’t remember when it happened. I believe that if I had my arms liposuctioned they would look similar to my dog from behind after being neutered. Need I say more?
Under my arms, my armpits actually, I have developed what I lovingly refer to as gobblers. They resemble the thing that hangs off of a turkey’s beak. I spoke to a plastic surgeon about them a couple of years ago, and he lovingly referred to them as pit-tits. What girl doesn’t want to hear that whispered in her ear? Could anything sound more lovely? More charming? He said that it was just breast tissue. Breast tissue? I honestly don’t need more thank you. I don’t need backup breast tissue. They aren’t quite big enough to tuck into my bra. I might be able to tape them down like a Kardashian getting into a low cut gown. The combination of my pit-tits and my swinging upper arms is why I do not wear sleeveless tops unless I am trying to frighten someone, for example, to keep the middle seat clear in my row on a flight.
De-Feet
The final piece to this Little Body of Horrors has to do with my feet. I don’t know about you but, I remember seeing my Grannie’s feet when I was young. The thick, discolored nails and dry skin were rough and scratchy. She had to go to the doctor to have her nails cut because they had thickened up with age. Let me repeat that; she had to go to the doctor to have her toenails clipped. And my Mom had worn high heels for so long that she had to go to the doctor just to have the calluses shaved off the bottom of the balls of her feet. Again, medical intervention for foot maintenance. So let’s talk about mine. My feet are so dry sometimes that they catch when I drag them across the sheets on my bed at night. The skin is sharp, even though I get regular pedicures. The woman who gives me those pedicures can barely cut my toenails because they are so hard and thick. I don’t know what color they are because I refuse to look down until there is polish on them again and the earth returns to its axis. When I leave, they are all shiny and moist, and in just a few hours they are back to their old gross, sharp selves.
So, is there any good news? Is there any way to be happy when the body rebels? Absolutely. Just be happy. Do what you can or what you want with your looks then forget them. You are not going to look thirty again, ever. Think about what your life looked like in your thirties: most likely it was full of babies and toddlers and laundry and cooking and cleaning and just plain working non-stop everyday. It is exhausting to think about, right? Well, we deserved to look good then. And now, we deserve to have fun. To live a life that is enjoyable and full, and to be at peace with our looks.
Read MoreFive years ago, if you had asked me what my life was going to look like in ten or fifteen years I would have said that it would be full of family, of travel with my husband, of grandchildren and maybe of a vacation home so we could all be together more often. I looked forward to a life that was full of love and family. I still look forward to that life, but as I start my life over in my sixties, while I still want all of that, the picture is much different. And, I realize that in order for me to live a happy healthy life on my own, I have to change the focus.
I think and write about focus often. When I was a wife and mother and employee and volunteer, focus was the last thing on my mind. That kind of buckshot way of managing my life did not serve me well then and does not serve me well now. I can now focus on the goals that will make me happy, and more content with my life on my own. Here is what I do to stay focused. If you like it, use it. If you like it, but it doesn’t suit your life, make the changes that will this system to work for you. I call this my Five Fingers of Focus (that is the only way I can remember it!).
The Five Fingers of Focus (a time management tool for women starting over)
Mind (Learning)
I want to learn something new every week, I really do. That’s the goal and it can be anything, but it has to be a conscious decision. Right now I am reading a book on organization. Next, I want to learn something IT related so I plan to use Lynda (an online learning site) and find a course that interests me. While it may sound like kind of a loose goal, it isn’t. It’s very intentional. It makes me feel good when I complete something and I am able to use some of the knowledge. We all feel pride when we “master” something new.
Body (Exercise, Food, Health)
This is a never ending saga for me. Here is the difference in my new approach: I am intentional about my body and I think it is showing. I am not crash dieting or binge eating (OK, that is a lie). I am just being more mindful about my health and I have no size or number goals. My trainer today used the word consistent and I think he is exactly right. When I was younger and in the tornado of everyday life in a bad marriage, I had no consistency: I was grasping at anything that I thought would make me happy, eating nothing then eating everything then washing it down with a cocktail. I am crossing my fingers that my new found consistency continues, but if I fall off here and there, so be it. I am getting right back on the consistency train.
Main Project (Or Work)
This sounds like fluff doesn’t it? Let’s say Starting Over at Sixty is my project right now. I am fully focused on it and learning how I can make it better (feel free to chime in). That means I have joined more than one organization that is related to this new world. It means I am learning how to increase my readers and better my writing. And, it means getting help in the areas in which I know nothing. Focusing on this project also incorporates the learning piece of the fingers.
Creative (Hobbies)
Here are the things I like to do: read, knit, sew, watch TV, sing, go to movies, crochet, ride my bike, go to comedy shows, travel, needlepoint, go to concerts. I am not the only one who has a million interests, I know. But, I have tried to focus on a few at a time so I don’t have piles everywhere around me of yarn or fabric or five books with bookmarks at the end of the first chapter, never to see the light of day again. For instance, right now, because my children all have friends in their later twenties and early thirties having babies at an alarming rate, I am a baby hat knitting machine! I took some time off knitting though, to make some pillows for my son and daughter-in-law’s condo, and now I am back on hat duty. It ‘s so rewarding for me to make something for my children or their friends, but I have to keep the amount that I can do under control or it will end up being a nightmare rather than a joy. So what has changed for me is that I am very deliberate about what I am working on. If not, I have too many unfinished projects around me and that, in itself, weighs me down.
Philanthropy (Volunteer)
How many times have you said yes to too many requests and found yourself miserable because you were doing tasks or attending meetings and your heart just wasn’t in it? I used to do it all the time. I was married to a man who seemed to like me better when he thought I was popular (I kid you not). So I said yes to the opening of a garage door if I was invited! Not anymore. I have two organizations to which I give my time: one is a citywide choir (Harmony Project that you see in the photo) that allows me to work with a choir in a women’s prison facility and one is a group that helps older adults age in place and remain in their homes and neighborhoods. Those are where my time and energy goes. I do change up my financial support but those two charities are at the top of the list.
So, here is the take away from the Five Fingers approach that I use: it covers the most important areas of life so you can make room for the fun, without sacrificing fulfillment, contentment and happiness. That’s it. You will be amazed at how much you accomplish and how much time you have for other activities. Easy, Peasy.
Read More
Being a newly single woman in my sixties leaves me a little untethered. What I mean is that I don’t feel anchored, I don’t feel like I am the center of anything any longer. I don’t know where I belong, where I fit in whether it is with friends or out and about where it seems that everyone is a couple.
When I was married, I knew that I was the tent pole of the family. All my children are adults now and are living coast-to-coast. I love that. I get to visit really fun cities and spend time with my children. What could be better?
But, I always knew that I was the center of the family functions, the family issues, the family travel, the family holidays. I was the facilitator. When someone was graduating, I pulled the travel together for the siblings so we would all be there. For the holidays, I made the arrangements for what we were doing. Travel? Here are your tickets and here is the hotel reservation and this is when we will meet. I know it sounds crazy but I can even picture myself standing in my driveway, the driveway to our family home, while the kids are pulling in from a long distance drive, or from being picked up at the airport. That was where I stood 100 times saying hello or goodbye or Merry Christmas.
Now, I am in a small apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, I am no longer the tent pole, or maybe, there just isn’t a tent. And, I can feel that very strongly. I wasn’t able to verbalize it for a while but something was off, and it was not about the divorce or anything about my day-to-day life. It is just under the surface. I am not unhinged, just at loose ends a little.
My Friends are the Best
The other piece to this is that I have lots of wonderful friends who include me in anything and everything. However, I spend all of my time with couples. Most of my friends are married, of course, they are. I was married for all of the years that we have been friends. We have traveled together. We have spent holidays together. Our children grew up together. I love spending time with them but when the evening is over, I go back to my apartment and they go home. I don’t feel like a whole team. They are still the tent poles of their families. And when it is a holiday, I am either on my own or I am the person they feel sorry for so they invite me to join them. So nice, but I am used to being on the other side of that.
So, this is not woe is me: far from it. I am a happy girl. But I need to find that tethered feeling again. I am looking for something that I can hang my hat on as I move forward in this chapter of my life. I know I will, but if you have any suggestions…
Read MoreI am a person who wants to do everything, and I am easily swayed and I lose focus often. I am all over the map. Remember when I wrote about taking an accounting class? I just wanted to feel like I had a good understanding of accounting principles. It was not necessary for me to take an accounting class and as I realized about two chapters in, I hated it. I can read a P & L already, I can read financial documents.
And, how many times have I tried to learn Spanish? I give myself an A for effort, but maybe it is time to realize that I will not be fluent. Fluent? OK, I will not be saying anything in Spanish other than requesting a bathroom and some water. I will not be doing pilates on a reformer at home and I will not be weaving my own fabric. Also, I will not be learning about Scientology and why people seem to follow the teachings. I will not be riding a motorcycle (and I will not be wearing my cool chaps). I will not be jumping up and down on a pogo stick for exercise. I will not be tap dancing. I will not play the piano beyond chopsticks.
My daughter let me know that she just waits for me to get tired of my project-du-jour and then she gets the material “stuff” associated with it (not the chaps). The fact that she has a system for cashing in on my lack of success made me grouchy at first. But, I had been working on making some changes in the way I spend my time and she totally reinforced my thinking.
Re-evaluating where my time goes is helping me see my day-to-day life better, because I feel like I am just too busy for the woman I am on paper. I always seem to be running and I don’t like to live that way. I like being busy, but that hasn’t been fulfilling me as much as I think it should. So, I have come up with a plan for living life the way I like to live it, a plan just for me. If you want to use some pieces of the plan be my guest. I call it PH2.
PHPH (PH2)
Personal, Health, Professional, Hobbies or PHPH (my initials times 2), or PH2. You can call your plan anything you want. My PH2 focuses me in the areas where I want to spend my time and energy and cuts out the other noise.
- Personal: I sit on the board of a small non-profit organization. There are two meetings each month with a minimal amount of work outside the meetings. Maybe one hour of additional work each month. I also belong to a non-profit organization called Harmony Project. It requires me to attend rehearsals on Monday evenings. Through Harmony Project, I volunteer at a Women’s Prison once a week, so that takes up a morning. I have made the decision to focus on only those two organizations over the course of this next year. I’m not saying that I will not go to any other events, but this is where I put my energy. By making this a priority, I have freed myself up to say no when asked to join other groups.
- Health: Of course, like every other person on the planet, I started the year wanting to be more healthy. But, I was not sure what that looked like in my life. So, I have committed to myself that I will workout five times a week. Blocking those times out to makes them happen. Love to get the classes out of the way on weekdays if I can, so I feel like the weekend is mine. I am not super critical of myself if my schedule prevents me from getting the five days in, like during a travel week, but putting workouts on my calendar in advance has really helped me keep those appointments.
- Professional: I can’t say that professional is even a black and white category for me. It is the work that I do to propel myself forward, the work that I do to learn more and grow internally. Starting Over at Sixty is part of that growth. Learning how to write content is part of that growth. I focus on both at the beginning of the week, because they are my most important, timely pieces of the puzzle. I belong to a couple of professional organizations that require minimal work from me, but allow me to grow.
- Hobbies: I like to knit. I like to read. I like to sew a little. I like to go to movies. They are all sedentary interests, I know. And, they weren’t happening often enough for me. By becoming more focused on what is important to me during the work week, I have been able to clear out some time and enjoy what I really like to do.
Use Structure and Intention
Putting some structure and intention in my week, I feel that I am getting more accomplished, I am having more time for what I like to do, and it allows me to say no to other requests. My plate is as full as I want it to be at this time.
If you feel like you are spinning out of control, then stop it. No one will do it for you. It has to come from you but acting with intention
about your time will allow you to have more time, I guarantee.
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