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A few years ago I received a Christmas card with a note in it from a friend. It said, “a donation has been made to a local hospital in your name.” Nice, thank you. But for some reason, I didn’t feel like it was nice. I kind of had a scrunched up face after I read it. Wasn’t I happy that a donation had been made? Of course, I was. Wasn’t it nice of them to make such a generous gift? It was. And, didn’t I give when I could? I did. So why was I not very happy. I had everything I needed and then some, so, it wasn’t the actual gift I was grouchy about. I couldn’t understand why it left a bad taste in my mouth. Something was off. Giving to charity is rewarding, right?
Here’s why I didn’t like it ( it took me a while to process). Because it took the most fun part of being charitable out of the equation for me: the physical act of making a donation of money or time is what makes me feel so good inside. And et’s face it, I had been hit by the trifecta of gift -giving let downs: I had already sent his gift to him, so he was going to open it and be happy because I am a good gift-giver, I was not getting a gift from him (not much of a loss, but a loss just the same) and the gift giver felt all warm and fuzzy because he had made a substantial donation to a local hospital. I want to say again, I was very happy that the hospital got the donation.
Now, I know that not one person in my life needs anything. Even my adult children are well cared for and are comfortable in their lives. And, if you follow Starting Over at Sixty you know that I have written extensively about how happy it makes me to give back to my community. But the fun, the happiness, the real joy of volunteering or donating is in the doing. In the volunteering, in the learning about the needs of the community, in the meeting of the people who appreciate your help no matter how small and in the donating, if that’s the route you take. It really is what the season is all about. Charity is personal. It is something that you don’t have to do but want to do.
If someone wants to give in your honor this year, good for the recipient. But, you will miss out on the best part, the part that makes you feel good.
Read MoreI have written before about a little book that I think has lots of tips in a small amount pages. Design Your Day, by Claire Diaz-Ortiz, is a great, quick read for organizing your life, rather than just your sock drawer! One of the tidbits that has stuck with me is the creation of one word or thought that is your mantra, your go-to when you feel like you are veering off track. So a couple of years ago I came up with the word “forward” to keep me moving in that direction. I still like that one and I still use it to “right the ship” when I feel like I am off course. But, my life has changed so much in the last few years since I am now well into my sixties and single, I thought it was time to come up with a new word that better defines how I want my life to go in the next year or two. Forward, I am not abandoning you and I want to keep moving that way, and I will always love you as my first word, but it is time to expand my repertoire of directional focus (that sounds like a self-help phrase doesn’t it?).
Goodbye Forward, Hello Goal
When my life was turned upside down and my marriage crumbled after more than thirty years, I constantly felt unstable, like I was walking on a waterbed of the seventies (don’t pretend you don’t remember). Every step was unstable and I was constantly wobbling and falling and having to catch my balance and try to stay upright. I spent a lot of time clinging to the edge. So “forward” gave me a direction and I could keep it in my sights. It helped me to put one foot in front of the other when I could barely move. Fast forward (pun intended) and I am perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet now and need to set the bar a little higher. I need to look ahead farther down the road.
Enter “Goal.” That is my word for 2018. I have given it a lot of thought and while I have moved forward quite nicely, I need more incentive to move to the next stage of life. I am now a fully functional single woman in her sixties, not the weepy sadsack that I was even one year ago. In my head, I am using goal as a verb, not as a thing but as an action. It is not something to achieve, but the act of achieving it. After all, it isn’t the achievement that is important but the getting there that makes it worthwhile, that creates inner growth and gives you that “job well done,” feeling. “Goal me,” is how I will think about it in my head. Kind of a “bring it on,” mentality.
What is Your Word?
During this holiday season, there are often times of sadness, especially if you are a woman who has had to start your life over after fifty, sixty or beyond. So start now, start right now thinking about a word that can help get you one step closer to where you want to be. You will know when you have the right one for you. It will stick in your head and you will revisit it over and over. Then get going. You don’t have to wait for 2018 to get started. However, let me say this: if your word turns out to be a bust, if it just doesn’t fit, guess what, pick another word. “Forward” was not the first word I landed on a year or two ago. I had others but as I put them into practice they just were not right. Be flexible with yourself. After all, it is yourself, your word, your motion.
What is the right word for you? What is the word that is sticking in your head for 2018? And, what will it mean for you in the coming year? I would love to hear from you, not just now, but all year long. I want to know how just one word helps you in your daily life. Believe it or not, one word can make a huge difference.
Read MoreWant to be ready to help someone in need this winter? I was talking with a friend about the virus and cold weather coming and the homeless people in our neighborhood. We both live in the downtown area, and we come across people every day who need help. It is painful to witness and also hard to know what to do.
A friend told me about attending a party where the hostess had put together bags to keep in the car to hand out to anyone who was holding a sign at the highway exit or looked like they were cold or just needed help. I loved that idea! So, when I was at the hardware store this morning, I picked up some hand warmers. I plan to grab everything else this week and get my bags together. Now, I know that someone might throw it back at me, but I’m tough. I can handle that. It will still feel better than just driving by. You can do it, too. Here’s what goes into my Blessings Bags:
One Gallon Ziploc Bag
Fill each bag with one of the following:
Handwarmers
Granola Bar
Bottled Water
Gloves
Hat
Just have one or two handy in your car. I keep one in my bag when I’m walking since I walk more than I drive. And, add what you think is important: socks, chapstick, etc. This is your gift to someone in need. Some people have told me that they put notes in the bags. I like the idea of socks. Think about what you would want if you were in need.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels as good as helping others. It just doesn’t. And it doesn’t have to be big. One of these bags might be all the help someone gets on any given day. I post this Blessing Bags reminder every year, and every year I hear from many of you about how you have customized your bags. It warms my heart to know that some of you have your bags in the backs of your cars.
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Hand-off the holidays now! Because, I know that most of us remember the days when the holidays meant thousands of tasks that had to be completed by the December holiday, whatever holiday you celebrate. Cookies, parties, gifts; and that was just for the kids and school. Then family packages sent by the last date possible to make sure they arrived. Buying, wrapping and hiding what seemed like hundreds of gifts, only to forget where they were hidden when the time came to open them (please tell me I am not the only one). There were so many people in my life back then, so many more than I think I have in my life now. Having young children increased the number of people in my life by about 50 per child it seemed. I remember feeling like there were not enough hours in the day, then when I finished that day, there weren’t enough in the next day, until Christmas. I also remember singing in the church choir on Christmas Eve, getting home at about 1 a.m., filling the stockings and crashing. I would get up with the kids and do all of the opening on Christmas morning, then I fell asleep for about 3 hours. Just dead. Every Christmas. Crazy!
Enjoy Watching Others Do It All!
So, as I think about all that uproar, and I am over sixty and single, I think about how much I really get to enjoy every minute of the month ahead. Sure, there is plenty of gift giving and plenty of parties, but the pressure is off. I am not the head elf anymore and I gladly give up that title and hand-off the holidays. I watch it all unfold in front of me and I love being a spectator. I have passed the baton and get to watch my adult children take over. It’s heartwarming for me when they ask what church service we are going to attend (since they don’t have to go anymore) and to know that some things “stuck” with them.
And, I get excited to see what they have for me, not because I care what the gift is, but because it gives me a glimpse of who my children see me as, who they think I am and what they think I will like. A window into our relationship.
So, enjoy every minute of not being the top dog this holiday season. Enjoy the fact that you did it for all those years and now have successfully handed the reigns off to children or nieces and nephews or grandchildren. And, just watch all the seeds you planted for years grow before your eyes. Now, that, to me, is what the season is all about.
Read MoreWhether you tie the knot or wear the knot, you will love this “twist” on a traditional necklace. The ceramic knot necklace is a collaboration between The Sunroom and Oatmeal Shop, both in Columbus, Ohio. The smaller knot is $70 and the larger one is $80 hanging from either gold link or leather. Such a statement and no two are alike.
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