Featured
Keep this word top of mind: accountability. It feels like it is one of several buzzwords for 2018. The first time it caught my attention was when I was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the newest member of the group is an Accountability Coach. A what? OK, not sure what that is but I’m listening.
The Oxford Dictionary definition of accountability is the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility. Responsible? No one is more responsible than I am. I carried the responsibility for keeping my family together during my long and unsuccessful marriage. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders every day. How can I be a person who is not accountable?
So, I started thinking about what accountability is and do I need a coach for it? No, I can do that myself, right? I just tell myself I am going to do something then I do it, easy peasy. Then why is it that I never follow through with a lot of the important stuff: less food, less alcohol, less sugar, less weight. Read more, watch Netflix less. Walk my dog five miles every day, hah!
I believe I am smart enough to be accountable to myself. I believe you are smart enough to be accountable to yourself. So why aren’t we and why are others able to help? If I knew the answer I would write a book about it and get rich and live happily ever after. But think about all the programs in the world that are based on changing behaviors and meeting with “helpers” weekly to keep us accountable, to help us stay on track to reach the goals we say we want to reach, whether it is about food issues or substance issues or career issues or motivation issues. There certainly seems to be a need for help with accountability.
Why it is I don’t know, but I do know that I am at the top of the list when it comes to not being accountable for some of the most important issues that I face. And I feel so let down when I get up every day not having fulfilled my promises to myself the day before, don’t you? Here is the answer: I am accountable to everyone else in my life, but not to myself. How terrible is that? To anyone who is depending on me, I am accountable. I feel responsible for my children’s sadness in their parents no longer being married and I feel responsible for money I lost on a terrible business venture, but that is more like guilt. If I tell someone I am going to do something for them, I do it. The end. But for myself, to myself, I am not accountable, and I would guess that a few of you are in that same boat. I hate to admit it but I think it is very much a women’s issue, taking care of others and being accountable to others but not ourselves. And, I feel ashamed of that and I hate carrying that shame around with me like my own invisible Scarlet Letter.
So what to do about that? If you started the year off with goals and haven’t followed through one bit with attained them, guess what, you can start now. You want to be accountable, start being accountable now. That is the good news. Accountability can start on any day of the week, not just Mondays. And if you fail today you can succeed tomorrow. The best part is that when you are accountable to yourself, you feel better. You feel inner pride. You exude confidence because you know you can do something that you hadn’t accomplished in the past.
Accountablity in 2018, that sounds pretty good, right? What are you wanting to be acountable for and are you ready to dig in? Can’t wait to hear from you and can’t wait for you to become accountable this year.
Oh, by the way, I have scheduled an appointment with an Accountablity Coach in two weeks!
Read MoreFor some time now, I have wanted to offer a place for the Starting Over at Sixty community to be able to share thoughts, ideas and suggestions in a more private setting, and I think I have found that. SOAS Support Group is a Prvate Facebook Page that can only be seen by those who are invited and approved. It is a place to ask questions or search for information in a closed setting: no significant others or children can see what you are discussing (that has always been an issue for Starting Over at Sixty). Think of SOAS Support Group as a bunch of friends talking over coffee, processing information and emotions and asking advice in a secluded environment. That’s SOAS Support Group.
You will find lots of content on the page that is not found anywhere else. Starting Over at Sixty is primarily a motivational, lighthearted page for those who are struggling with suddenly being alone. However, so many of the Starting Over at Sixty readers want to know more about specifics, not only in my life but in the lives of other members of the group. They want longer, more in-depth original content. They want a deeper dive into topics that have been popular on Starting Over at Sixty, like loneliness, like giving back to women around us and carving out our new lives. I want the SOAS Support Group to be a place where women know they will be better informed just from being part of this unique, original group of people. A place where they can let their hair down.
My hope is that members find like-minded women in the group who can help them navigate their way through life as they start over. Or, just life in general as a mature woman.
To be a member of the SOAS Support Group, simply hit the link below where you will be asked for your name and email address. That’s it. You will be invited to the group.
I am so excited about our new adventure and I know you are going to love it and maybe even find some new best friends!
SOAS Support Group Rules
A member can be removed from the group at the discretion of the SOAS Support Group administrator for any reason at any time.
Any content that is considered to be inappropriate, harmful or violent will be taken down immediately and the member will be removed from the group. Offensive language is not permitted. Please share your feelings, not your venom.
I know you have all heard the saying that holding on to anger is like trying to kill your husband by drinking poison yourself; well it is something like that. Last week I received a phone call from a woman who just began to spew anger, not at me, but on me. I was having a perfectly great day and in 20 minutes I was a puddle on the floor. I was a wreck. It was as if I had stepped into quicksand. My mind was transported back to the terrible years I spent living with heartache and anger before I left my marriage. I actually began to sweat, physically sweat, while she was talking to me. I understood her pain, but I didn’t want to be part of that world any longer, and just hearing about it made me so sad. I thought to myself, “how did this just happen? How did I go from happy and looking forward to the weekend, to a red-faced woman with tears and snot running down my face?” I know you can’t make yourself let go of past issues, that happens in its own time. But, you can give yourself some guidelines, or rules, to follow that will help you have more good days than bad. When you are armed with your own “blueprint” of who and what you want in your life you are released from so much of the bad.
My Blueprint
My rules, the ones that I try to live by, are pretty simple. I have learned that if I am dreading seeing someone, whatever the reason, it’s time to give that relationship another look. It may not be a friendship that is worth keeping. Of course, if it’s a relative, there is no getting out of it, good luck with that. But you can move friends who constantly bring you down to a lower “importance” tier on your imaginary chart. If you feel guilty about that, don’t. It puts you in a bad mood and why would you let someone do that to you? You are doing it to yourself!
A more serious matter is betrayal. If I feel that someone has betrayed me, and there are lots of levels of betrayal, I’m most likely out. Once that trust is broken I am probably never going to get it back. I’m just not. Whether it is a friend, spouse or co-worker, we are done. Remember, these are the rules that I follow, and they don’t have to be your rules. One thing about being older is that I know myself and what works for me. I thought I could bring my marriage back from the dead once, but looking back, there was no way. I was sleeping with the enemy, literally. I wasted fifteen years trying to figure out how to like my husband when the answer was right in front of me: I was never going to like him again. Sadly, betrayal won that battle.
That is my blueprint, but it doesn’t have to be yours. You may be a person who is able to work through betrayal and that is great for you. Or you don’t want to sever a relationship that isn’t working, whatever the reason. That’s OK.
Forgive and Move Forward
No matter what rules you live by in the friendship/relationship piece of your life, start to notice how you feel when you are with certain people. Are you excited? That’s perfect. Are you clenching your teeth? You might want to re-think that one. And, what about forgive and forget? Forgiveness is a wonderful quality and one we should all practice. But, forgetting is a mistake in my book. One thing we old girls have is experience, and to forget what we have experienced would be to erase our past. I say, forgive and move forward. You should take what you know and put it in your back pocket for the journey ahead.
Grow Younger
Are you still wondering where the grow younger part is? Well, people tell me all the time now how great I look, and I know they aren’t talking about my body! They are talking about my face: I knocked ten years off my face by leaving a bad situation. I can even see it in the mirror, so I know they aren’t blowing smoke up my bottom. Letting go of the muck that I was living in has actually made me look younger, something all the botox and fillers in the world couldn’t do. I promise if you let go of some of the things that are on a reel in your mind running over and over you will look, and feel, younger, too. Take a look at the photo of me above and the photos on the site that were taken more recently. Wow!
Read MoreHaving been in a bad marriage for more than thirty years, I thought I was the biggest loser on the planet. I was certainly not attractive and was unappealing. I was overweight. I was not good at making money. I wasn’t sexy at all and actually had zero sex appeal. I spent too much money. I was the b-word.
Well, guess what I have learned about myself in the last three years since I left my husband: there’s nothing wrong with me after all! That’s right, there is nothing wrong with me. I have a feeling that if you are reading this article, there is nothing wrong with you either. Amazing, right? It took me a long time to get here, though. After years of being beaten up, figuratively, when I left my husband and moved into a one-room loft, I was what I refer to as a hot mess. I was truly broken, and I thought I was all used up. Like I was unlovable, like I had grown thorns on my body. I had definitely built a wall around me to protect myself from the unhappy life that I lead with my husband. I honestly thought that the real me was gone, buried so deep that I wouldn’t get it back.
It took some time, a lot of time, in fact. And, while I worked to be content on the inside, it didn’t hurt when a man paid attention to me, whether as a date or a new friend. It felt good and made me feel like “I’ve still got it.” That is probably the icing on the “new-old Paula.”
Be OK with Yourself First
So, if you are in the position of having to start over, due to divorce or death, follow these steps and you will get it right. First, you need to be OK with yourself. If your life is in transition, this is the best time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be and figure out what changes, if any, need to be made. For me, I was in a business that I despised, and I needed to get out of that no matter what the consequences. I did and it cost me but I did it, because as long as I was trying to be something I was not my life was never going to improve. Getting out of that business allowed me to spend time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. It gave me permission to dream. I was out from under a huge boulder.
I started thinking about what I used to like to do, before I met my husband, before I had children and before I was Mrs. Harer. My husband valued popularity: I know it sounds goofy but it is true. So, to make him like me I valued who I was outside myself. I wasn’t happy. I love being a party girl as much as the next person, but that as a constant was not fulfilling. Now I have a great time when I am with people but it does not define me. I knit, I go to the movies alone and I read. I am happy with myself.
When you can find that girl inside who you were many years ago, I think it makes for a more grounded feeling. I know who I am and I know what I like and what I don’t like and I don’t have to change that. How empowering is that?
Then Add in What You Like to Do
When I was first living alone again I joined everything I could in order to meet new people: neighborhood groups, a single women’s social group ( I think I would be more comfortable calling it a gang), a book club, and a couple other meetups. I needed to feel connected. But, after a while, I began to dread some of the meetings and realized that they just weren’t me. I could get to know more new people but I wasn’t enjoying the activities and the people weren’t necessarily a good fit for me. Lesson learned. However, I love singing in a citywide choir and I love volunteering in that choir at the women’s prison near my home. So, I have found out what I like to do and what I can live without and I am making changes in how I spend my time. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do anymore.
Take the Risk
Now, the hard part. Dating after sixty is horrible. There’s no other way to put it. HORRIBLE! But if having a man in your life is something that you want, and I do like having a man in my life, then you just have to put yourself out there. Here’s how I look at it: I wasn’t going to meet someone by sitting at home and telling myself how gross online dating sites are. They are, it’s true, but they are what is available, so I just had to buck up and get onboard. The point I am making is that whatever method you use to meet a new partner or friend, you have to be proactive. When I was in my twenties I didn’t have to be proactive. Those days are over. And sitting on your couch complaining about how there are no men doesn’t help either.
I have met many frogs. And it’s not like all of them call me back, so I’m a frog too. But, once in a while, I have met a nice guy: he might be a friend or might be more. There are still a few great guys, but I would not have met them without taking the risk, without putting myself out there. So if you want to meet a partner or a friend, put on your big girl pants and get out there.
Going through all these steps have helped me figure out that I am OK exactly as I am, and if you are in the position of having to start over you may need to find out that you are OK just as you are as well. When you do, you will be able to start living life the way you always intended it to be.
What are you doing to find yourself again? What has worked for you and what has not? Can’t wait to hear!
Read MoreI think it goes without saying that the breakup of a family is always tragic. And the people who are hurt the most, the children, are the hardest hit, no matter their age. If you ask any child of divorced parents how it feels, he or she will most likely have nothing but sadness, even when things have worked out OK, whether that child five years old or fifty. I fail to remember, however, how much they already know, whether instinctively or first hand, about the issues in the marriage and the divorce. What I thought I was protecting my children from, well, I was kidding myself (go figure). It made me yearn for the days when they were young and I told my little Ryan that his guinea pig died of a heart attack (do you think there is such a thing?). While that made him sad, he didn’t have to know that the dog came down the stairs with the dead pet in his mouth! The problems that he has to deal with as the adult child of a broken family are too, too, too painful, even at his age, and I have tried to shelter my children from as much as I can. But I was made aware this weekend of what a poor job of sheltering I have actually been doing. I am telling you this: never underestimate your children. They know who you are.
I was reminded of that fact when in conversation with one of my sons about a difficult topic. I don’t discuss much about my relationship with their father but I needed to let my children know how I was feeling and a very wise friend told me that he thought I should open up the channels of communication, so I did. They were nothing but kind. They were nothing but smart. They were aware of issues that I thought I had kept well hidden, and had not. They were supportive and caring and loving and all of the things that we all want our children to be. I was blown away and I don’t know why: that is how they were raised.
So, if you are starting over, or started over twenty years ago, it doesn’t matter. Do not underestimate your children. They know who you are. As one of my sons said to me once, ” you raised us.” He was right, I did. And, you did. You raised your children to be the fine humans that they are now, so communicate with them. They will help you find the answers you need when you are struggling with something. After all, as I always say, “the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ( I know the word is apple but in my case, nut is a little more accurate.)
Read More
Search through my blog posts