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This is a repost of an article I wrote for Sixty and Me. Remember, it was before Coronavirus so adjust your thinking accordingly.
BY PAULA HARER • MARCH 11, 2019 • MINDSET
Having been in a bad marriage for more than 30 years, I thought I was the biggest loser on the planet. I felt I was certainly not attractive and unappealing. I was overweight. I was not good at making money, but I was good at spending them. I wasn’t sexy at all and had zero sex appeal.
Guess what I have learned about myself in the last three years since I left my husband: there’s nothing wrong with me after all! That’s right, there is nothing wrong with me. I have a feeling that if you are reading this article, there is nothing wrong with you either. Amazing, right?
It took me a long time to get here, though. After years of being beaten up, figuratively, I left my husband and moved into a one-room loft. I was what I refer to as a hot mess. I was truly broken, and I thought I was all used up.
I felt that I was unlovable and had grown thorns on my body. I had definitely built a wall around me to protect myself from the unhappy life that I led with my husband. I honestly thought that the real me was gone, buried so deep that I wouldn’t get it back.
It took some time – a lot of time, in fact. And, while I worked to be content on the inside, it didn’t hurt when a man paid attention to me, whether as a date or a new friend. It felt good and made me think that “I still got it.” That is probably the icing on the “new-old Paula.”
Be OK with Yourself First
So, if you are in the position of having to start over, due to divorce or death, follow these steps and you will get it right.
First, you need to be OK with yourself. If your life is in transition, this is the best time to take stock of who you are and who you want to be. Figure out what changes, if any, need to be made.
In my case, I was in a business that I despised, and I needed to get out of it no matter what the consequences. It did cost me, but I did it anyway because as long as I was trying to be something I was not, my life was never going to improve.
Getting out of that business allowed me to spend time thinking about what I wanted my life to look like moving forward. It gave me permission to dream. I was out from under a huge boulder.
I started thinking about what I used to like to do – before I met my husband, before I had children and before I was Mrs. Harer.
My husband valued popularity – I know it sounds goofy but it is true. So, in order to make him like me, I valued who I was on the outside. I wasn’t happy. I love being a party girl as much as the next person, but constantly living in that lifestyle was not fulfilling.
Now I have a great time when I am with people, but it does not define me. I knit, I go to the movies alone and I read. I am happy with myself.
When you can find that girl inside, the one you were all those years ago, I think it makes for a more grounded feeling. I know who I am and I know what I like and what I don’t like, and I don’t have to change that. How empowering is that knowledge?
Add in What You Like to Do
At first, when I was living alone again, I joined every event I could in order to meet new people: neighborhood groups, a single women’s social group – though I think I would be more comfortable calling it a gang – a book club, and a couple other meetups.
I needed to feel connected. But, after a while, I began to dread some of the meetings and realized that they just weren’t me.
I did get to know more new people, but I wasn’t enjoying the activities and the people weren’t necessarily a good fit for me. Lesson learned. However, I love singing in a citywide choir and I love volunteering in that choir at the women’s prison near my home.
So, I have found out what I like to do and what I can live without, and I am making changes in how I spend my time. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do anymore.
Take the Risk with New Relationships
Now, the hard part. Dating after 60 is horrible. There’s no other way to put it. It is simply horrible! But if having a man in your life is something that you want, and I do like having a man in my life, then you just have to put yourself out there.
Here’s how I look at it: I wasn’t going to meet someone by sitting at home and telling myself how gross online dating sites are. They are, it’s true, but they are what is available, so I just had to buck up and get on board.
Whatever method you use to meet a new partner or friend, you have to be proactive. When I was in my 20s, I didn’t have to be proactive. Those days are over. And sitting on your couch complaining about how there are no men doesn’t help either.
I have met many frogs. And it’s not like all of them call me back, so I’m a frog too. But, occasionally, I have met a nice guy: he might be a friend or might be more.
There are still a few great guys, but I would not have met them without taking the risk, without putting myself out there. So, if you want to meet a partner or a friend, put on your big girl pants and get out there.
Going through all these steps has helped me figure out that I am OK exactly as I am. If you are in the position of having to start over, you may need to find out that you are OK just as you are as well. When you do, you will be able to start living life the way you always intended it to be.
What are you doing to find yourself again? What has worked for you and what has not? Can’t wait to hear! Let’s have a chat!
Let’s Have a Conversation!
Read MoreIs it better to be single during Coronavirus? Yes! A hundred times yes! Here are a few reasons why.
Take showering, for example. Why would I? When was the next time I would see or be around anyone? Five days. Well, there’s plenty of time to bathe within five days. No rush. Who’s going to know? No one can smell me on Zoom! And my dog didn’t seem to mind.
What was for dinner? Who cares? Here are several of the meals I had during Coronavirus time:
Ice Cream. Peanut butter and celery. Crackers. Cereal. Cheese. Crescent rolls with jam. Buttered pasta. Banana Bread. Carrots.
Each one of those made up a whole meal. It was awesome. I didn’t want to go to the grocery very often and just decided to fill up on what was available at home. I’m not saying it was a healthy diet, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I know for a fact that my friends who are not solo did not have the luxury of any of these delicious dinners.
I didn’t make my bed…twice. I know that doesn’t sound so wild, but when I was married I probably would not have left the bed unmade. Crazy, right? But it’s true. I didn’t make my bed a couple of days and each day I found myself thinking I should get upstairs and get that done. But why? I was able to sleep just fine when I hopped in bed the next nights.
Laundry. What laundry? I swear I wore the same outfit for about two weeks. I wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t seeing anyone. At bedtime, which was sometimes 8:00 and sometimes 1:00, I removed my clothes and put on my nightshirt, then upon waking I did the reverse, brushed my teeth, and I was good to go. It was perfect. When you are hardly changing clothes, it really cuts down on the laundry.
Seriously, I was super lonely at the height of the Coronavirus lockdown, but I am lucky enough to be able to see that there were benefits. You’ve gotta laugh, right?
Read MoreHey Girlie, it’s been a rough few months and weeks, hasn’t it? If you haven’t been touched personally by illness or unrest, you’re lucky. I’m lucky. And, I don’t know one woman who hasn’t used the time to re-evaluate a portion of her life. Money is an issue. Health is an issue. Safety is an issue. Everything is serious. So, I want you to take a breath and do you this week.
What do I mean by that? Anything! Do something for yourself this week. And, I don’t mean cut back on sugar. I mean do something this week that is frivolous and fun and only for you. That can be as small as buying a new mascara. It can be tacking on the extra mile on your daily walk. It can be having ice cream. Or break out a pair of heels that you haven’t had an occasion to wear and, well, wear them anywhere, even if it’s around the house.
Just do you this week, whatever that means for. Everyone needs a little attention and we single women who have been on lockdown may not have had enough of that lately. We’ve probably spent more time alone than some of our friends. We may not have had someone to tell us that the banana bread is great, or thanks for cleaning up the kitchen today. Not complaining, just a fact. So, it’s time for a little self-attention.
Make sure to make it as unimportant as possible. Kind of a self-pampering brain vacation. I want my Starting Over at Sixty girls to feel some relief from life this week. You would laugh if you heard what I am going to do (OK, I’ll tell you, I am going to wear a pair of false eyelashes this week. I know that sounds crazy, but I used to wear them every day and I found a pair in a drawer and thought I should give them a try for fun). That’s it. Nothing costly or wild. Just fun.
So, do you this week ladies. Have some fun. Don’t worry, the world will still be here if you have a moment of joy.
Read MoreAs a single woman, you might be in the mood for a date or two, now that you’ve been at home forever. Are you wondering how you can manage dating and social distancing at the same time. I am. I’m ready to be a little more social and have a little less distancing! How can I do that and stay safe?
During my time at home, I missed social interaction, mostly with my close friends and with my children, of course. But, I also missed the opportunity to meet someone who I might like to go out to dinner with or even a movie. Ha! Movies! Remember those? Here are some suggestions for dating during social distancing.
Take a Hike Buddy!
Not really. But you can take a walk and maintain your 6-foot distance and chat for an hour or two. It’s actually a really nice way to get to know someone. You get your exercise, you maintain your distance and you figure out whether this is someone you want to spend time with again.
Pack a Picnic
Again, you can meet for a little charcuterie and a beverage and still keep your distance. It works pretty well. Plus, I think it shows that you are willing to put a little effort into getting together. It can also show you whether this man is game for an adventure. If not, why bother? You can stay a proper distance apart and enjoy the evening or afternoon.
Zoom
I know you can hardly stand one more Zoom call. If you’re like me, there have been days when it seemed like all I did was Zoom. Who’s Zoomin’ Who (as the Pointer Sisters sang)? We all know now, there’s nothing perfect about a tele-visit. But, it is better than just another phone call and you can see who you are talking to and get a feeling about that person’s demeanor, personality, etc.
Is it even worth the trouble? That’s up to you, but since we have been locked down for so long, it feels good to meet someone new and get to know him. It adds a little excitement to life.
More important than “pre-screening” is what you can learn about a man by meeting him when times aren’t perfect. It’s true. If he’s a guy who expects you to come to his place for dinner right away, he’s not for you. He’s not following distancing rules and I don’t know about you but that’s a deal breaker. At least at first.
Is He Sponge Worthy?
Remember when Elaine on Seinfeld was rationing her sponge contraceptives because she heard they were going off the market? That’s how I would decide if a man is worthy of becoming part of your “quaranteam.” At some point, if you really like someone and he you, you will just have to decide whether he is “sponge worthy,” whether you can trust him to be part of your quarantine world. You will know when you are comfortable. And, if a man doesn’t want to be careful with you, he’s not “sponge worthy!”
Read MoreWhat change did you make after being locked down for three months? For me, I learned that I need to use the good stuff for myself and not just for others.
There is a fragrance that I love and have worn for several years. It’s expensive. So, when I became single and felt like I needed to be a little more frugal, I decided to wear it just for special occasions. I have a less expensive fragrance that I wear daily. Very cost-conscious of me, don’t you think?
I volunteer at a women’s prison and the women love the smell of that expensive stuff: they comment on it every single time I walk in. So I spray it on for my visits there, and for dates, which means I only wear it to the prison! I can make a bottle last forever that way.
I was rationing my perfume during the lockdown by wearing it only on days when I had Zoom get-togethers: I pretended that I was going out on those days. It made me happy and I felt dressed up. I had to ask myself why I decided that I was going to ration something that makes me so happy? How much money could I be saving on fragrance? Pennies? It’s crazy! No more!
Now, I am spraying myself head to toe with the good stuff every day! I’m like Pig Pen from the Peanuts comics walking down the street with visible clouds around me. And, I love it.
So, no more saving the good stuff for others. I’m going to use it all the time. If I want to wear it when I go to bed, alone, I’m wearing it. If I want to wear it to the gym, that’s fine.
If you’re saving your best for others, stop. Whether it’s dishes or clothing or fragrance, do not save the good stuff for everyone else. Use it for yourself! You are the only one you need to make happy.
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