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If you had asked me ten years ago if I needed any more friends, I would have said no. I had all the friends in the world. I loved and love my friends. But, when I went from being married to single things changed. I didn’t lose friends, I was lucky that way. But I moved from the suburbs to a downtown loft apartment. Things were different now. And while I was the luckiest girl in the world to keep most of my old friends, I realized that I needed to add single friends, men and women, to the mix if I wanted to have a pretty full social calendar. Because, no matter how much I love my married friends, there comes a time when they are doing couple and family stuff and I’m not. So I had to make new friends. Friends that I could call to join me for dinner or a movie or to go hear music.
If you, as a single woman, often feel lonely, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find new ways to make new friends. Here are some ideas for you to explore when you feel like you want to branch out for friendships:
Workout:
You know that you should have a workout spot, right? Well if you don’t have a gym or another place to workout, get one. For many reasons. I think that I have made friends in every gym I have ever joined. You spend a fair amount of time there. If you go at the same times you see most of the same people each week. You strike up conversations, you complain together, etc. Get a cup of coffee sometime or meet for a cocktail. You don’t have to be besties but you will expand your circle of friends.
Meetups:
I am telling you if you haven’t tried a meetup or two you are going to love them. Meetups are groups of people who get together around their common theme. They are in every city and town across the country. I belong to a knitting/crocheting meetup that meets every couple of weeks. Sometimes we are at a restaurant (Yes, we knit in a restaurant. We go to places that have enough room for us and aren’t super busy on the night we are there and we eat and drink and tip!) Sometimes we meet at Joann Fabrics because our organizer works there. That’s fine with me because I usually buy yarn while I am there.
I also belong to a Cycling Meetup (haven’t tried it yet). I joined a French Speaking Meetup but was too afraid I wasn’t up for it. I belong to a Social Media Meetup (again, haven’t tried it yet just because of scheduling, but I will soon. I also joined a group of women 60+ that often meets for happy hour, etc.
Now here is my best tip ever: There was no Meetup for single women 50+ in my city. There were singles groups but they weren’t for me; they were either too young or pick-up groups, and I really just wanted to meet other women like me so I could expand my group of single women friends. I wanted to create a group for single women, not to find men, but to find each other: to find friends who will go to a movie or the museum or any event that might be of interest. We meet each month for Happy Hour at different restaurants around town. In addition, we have a private Facebook page where members can post events, movies, music, festivals, etc., that they would like to attend to see if anyone else has an interest. I have met some wonderful ladies through this group and I am so happy that I organized it. I have made some new friends and have invited a couple of friends as well.
You can go to Meetup.com for more information or to look up groups in your area that might be a good fit. I have no skin-in-the-game as far as Meetups go, but you really can find a group for almost any interest, or you can start one.
Bookclubs:
I can’t believe I lived most of my adult life without being in a bookclub. Some friends asked me to join theirs, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t think I would. It keeps me reading, which I like. I got to know several women who I had known casually and I met new friends. And, my daughter is in a bookclub in New York, so talk about the books we are reading and what we liked and didn’t like. While most of the women in my bookclub are married, there is a bookclub for everyone. Again, if there isn’t one that feels right for you, start one. You can put the word out that you are forming a bookclub for single women in your area and I have no doubt that it will be full in no time.
All of these ideas are easy to create or join, and all give you the opportunity to meet new friends. I am telling you that creating friendships is the key to longterm happiness as a single woman over 50. You can’t have too many friends as you age as a single woman. Now, get out there!
Read MoreAs a single woman over sixty, I am keenly aware that it’s often tough to feel confident. After all, we live in a world that equates beauty and talent with youth. And, as we age, it’s easy to buy into that narrative. But I am here to tell you that believing in that way of thinking erodes our confidence and confidence it hot! Confidence is youthful! Confidence is sexy!
So here are five ways to improve that confident feeling.
- Smile: That’s it, just smile. Look happy. Look like you are enjoying your life. Look like you are important to the world. Look like you know a huge secret, not like you are exhausted. Let’s face it, as our faces age those lines can make us look a little cranky before our feet even hit the ground as we get out of bed, so unless you are consciously working on having a happy expression, you might look cross, and who wants to engage with that? A happy expression is the fountain of youth. And, if you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyway.
- Move with a purpose: Someone who is moving with purpose is going somewhere, right? That woman is part of the world and part of life and is important. That is a woman who has vitality. So, who would you rather spend time with, the woman who drags herself down the sidewalk or the woman who wants to get where she is going? Make your steps have a purpose.
- Wear what makes you feel good about yourself: This is a big one so let me ask you this: what makes you feel better, an outfit that you are tugging on all night or one that makes you feel like you look your best? This isn’t about weight, or how much you spend or what’s in style. This is about meeting yourself where ever you are and wearing clothing to match. If you need a bigger size, get it. If your heels are too high and you can’t walk in them, chuck them. You aren’t looking and feeling your best by wearing them.
- Have joy: Joy is the ultimate confidence builder. When you are feeling joyous, you are exuding confidence. Your joy is infectious. It makes others want to be around you. It makes you fun. Not feeling joy? Just fake it until you do.
- Stay relevant: Know what’s going on around you. Be interested. Be active. Confidence comes from being able to hold your own in any group situation.
You need to know that when you put these five pieces into action, you will attract attention. I guarantee it. People enjoy spending time with confident women because they are interesting and fun. They bring something to the table. And why wouldn’t you be confident? You have slain the dragons, you have lived and are still living a full life. You have done it all and now you continue to grow and evolve with confidence.
So, when you are smiling and joyous, when you are well informed and moving with a purpose, and when you look comfortable in your own skin, you will exude confidence. And, confidence is sexy!
Read MoreLast week I wrote about my conversation with some of my friends at a women’s prison where I volunteer. We were all laughing and chatting while we sat around a table crafting. It was very fun and it was very light-hearted. But, when I started to think about what their days are like, I realized how lucky I am to lead the life that I do. And, I want to transfer some of those lessons into my own life.
Have Patience
My girlfriends told me that they learned patience quickly in prison. But more than that, they said, “All we have is time.” Think about that. For most of us, we wish we could have more time, more time to do nothing. Not these ladies. They sit and wait a lot. They try to fill their time: some of them make good use of their time by getting their GEDs, taking college-level classes and getting job training. Still, time must feel like it is standing still when you’re marking off the days until you have the opportunity to change your life again, by leaving the prison system.
As women over 50, I bet not one of you feels like you have time to waste. I know I don’t. I feel like I have to make every minute count because my time on this earth isn’t infinite: it will come to an end sooner than I wish. So, I want to make each day count. We are all so lucky that we don’t have to watch the clock tick away at our existence. We have the freedom to call many of the shots in our lives and I do not want you to waste a moment.
Be Resourceful
These women have so few resources when it comes to their everyday life. But, there is no group of women who can make more out of very little than my friends in prison: flower bouquets out of tissue paper, costumes for the talent show out construction paper and staples, veggie burgers out of oats and ramen seasoning. You name it, they can probably make it.
None of us is that hungry for resources, I know that, but so many of us single women, 50+ have different finances than we thought we would have at this time in their lives, including me. And, since having this conversation with my girlfriends on the inside, I have been thinking about all the waste in my life and how I can do better and save some dough at the same time.
I decided to take one area of my life and “clean it up.” I want to be more in tune with frivolous spending. So, I have chosen beauty products: makeup, lotion, fancy soap. I spend way too much on those things and then they just sit in my bathroom drawer taking up space. For this summer, I am pledging to myself that I will use up what I have until it’s gone before adding one more mascara or hair volumizer. And, when I do buy some of these products, I will only purchase more than what I need if it’s on sale. Now, that’s what I call resourcefulness, don’t you?
Hoard the Good Stuff
Well, I have to confess that I still have ribbon in my closet that I bought in 2014 in Paris because it is so special to me. So, trust me, I am hoarding the good stuff! This is one area where I excel. Too much as a matter of fact. It makes me think of Seinfeld and Elaine referring to men as “sponge-worthy.” If you are like me and hoard too much of the good stuff, try just starting to use it a little at a time. Like, wear that lipstick that is retired and quit saving it for special occasions, and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about! It is possible that I am hoarding Bobbi Brown #49.
Needs vs. Wants
This is a big one, right? I have no doubt that we all refer to things as needs, when, in fact, they are not even close to a need. I certainly have to count myself in when talking about food that I need, like ice cream, vs. want. A cocktail that I need, vs. want. Pretty much anything I say that I need, for the most part, I want. So, my friends inside made me think of needs vs. wants differently. And, when I look at life that way, it actually becomes a more simple, peaceful existence.
I hope you will take away some lesson from my friends on the inside of prison walls and apply them to your own life. Their words will certainly make you feel more appreciative with what you have already in your life. You also might begin to spend money and time a little differently.
What changes are you making to your life now that you know a few of the lessons learned from my friends inside of prison walls?
Read MoreThis has absolutely nothing to do with being over sixty or single or any of the usual topics that you read here on Starting Over at Sixty. But I had such an interesting conversation with some women this past week that I just wanted to share it with you.
I volunteer at a women’s prison near me several times throughout the year. The women I visit are in a recovery program and together we sing and share and get to know each other a little. It is an awesome experience.
Last week we worked together on a service project and we had lots of time to chat while we were crafting. We started a light-hearted conversation about things you learn in prison. I told the ladies that I was going to write about it for my blog, and they were so excited.
As single women over fifty, many of us are living lives that haven’t exactly worked out the way we expected. I planned to be married forever. Didn’t happen and I can feel very sorry for myself at times. But now, when I’m right in the middle of a pity party, I am thinking of my friends inside the prison walls and I am zipping it!
Here are the lessons that I learned about prison and prison life that I want to carry with me in my back pocket when I am getting ready to melt down over something small.
Have Patience
The ladies told me that the most important lesson they learned right away is to wait. Women in prison have nothing but time and they learn to wait for everything. Nothing moves quickly in prison. And while they wait, they have nothing to do: no cell phone, no tablet, no book or magazine. They can’t watch TV while they wait or go take a nap or throw in a load of laundry. They just wait. When you are in prison you just have to get used to waiting. I am going to use this lesson during my road rage sessions!
Be Resourceful
There isn’t much to work with in prison. I hear a lot about women making do, like using body wash and water in a spray bottle to come up with “fragrance.” Or using oats and some seasoning to make “veggie burgers.” You would be amazed at what they can do. I have even heard of Jolly Ranchers being used to make hair gel! Our service project last week was to make “bouquets” of tissue paper flowers for Mother’s Day. They were beautiful! You would not believe what they can do with very little. And, they waste nothing: they come up with a use for everything they have access to.
Hoard the Good Stuff
We were laughing about the fact that while they do so much with so little, if they do get something that they are excited about, they hold on to it with all their might! They use every last drop and they use it sparingly. Nothing more to say about that except that we were drooling over the hot pink tissue paper at the table next to us! We knew they would never part with any of that.
Needs vs. Wants
This was a good one. These women say they now know rthe difference between a need and a want. We laughed a lot about that! Most things that we say we need, are, of course, wants. As if I need a Starbucks before I get going. It sounds pretty silly when I say it now.
So, what’s the takeaway from this? How can we use these little nuggets in our everyday lives? I am going to talk about that next week in my post. But, for now, think about how these lessons from prison can be incorporated into your own lives and what they mean to you.
Read MoreIt’s true, if you don’t like change, you will hate aging. We all know that the alternative to aging is worse than the aging itself, but you don’t just wake up one day and you have aged. Every day in the aging process is a new experience, and not always a pleasant one.
I was on a webinar a few weeks ago presented by The Transition Network and featuring Joy Loverde, a nationally renown author and expert on our aging population. She had a graph that illustrated what aging looks like: it was smooth sailing until about 40, then it was just transition, transition, transition, transition, transition. That’s it, until the end of the visual. It made a huge impression on me. So much so that I keep thinking about it.
I can only speak for myself, but I guess I thought I would know when I was old and at that time I would make decisions accordingly. As if it happens one day out of the blue and is over the next day; I’m old. Of course, that’s not how it goes, but I would be willing to bet that many of you picture aging in the same way. It happens to us. One day. We’re old. Presto.
Aging is like a slow moving avalanche, starting maybe, with the beginnings of menopause. Then you might notice that your knee is swelling. Nothing for a while, then, oh look at those big brown spots on my thighs. Where did those come from? The good news is that I don’t need blush any longer on my cheeks because the rosacea on my face takes care of that. None of these are earth-shattering.
Other areas of change can be the way you spend money or don’t spend money, watching your career come to an end or having to remain in that career because you need the money for old age. Your children may have moved away and some of your friends have passed away. You might not be able to handle the steep stairs in your home, so you will need to move, but not to an assisted living facility yet. You will downsize then learn that you really need more room than you thought you would. And that’s just on a Monday!
Don’t forget that you will not be able to see or hear anything (even though your ears will continue to grow. Oh, and you might have to go to the doctor to have your toenails clipped. A doctor!
I am making light of the continual transition that we face simply as aging humans, and those are all real. But, if you aren’t able to roll with the punches, you are going to be miserable for, what really is, the rest of your life. I want you to live a life that is full to the end, to the last breath leaving nothing on the table. So, you must adjust your attitude toward change if it is something that bothers you. Here are some tips:
- Plan for change, because it is coming. Not all change is bad, and even when it is, there may be nothing you can do about it. So, don’t let it be a surprise. Be prepared for some of the inevitable change that is coming. The mother of one of my best friends said that one of the reasons that she picked the house that she was downsizing to was that she could walk to the bus stop from there when she had to stop driving: good for her! That’s what I call planning for aging and planning for change.
- Take an inventory of what lies ahead and what your preparations look like. I took a friend to have a knee replacement a couple of weeks ago and she handed me her notebook to carry into the hospital with me. It had all of her legal documents inside: healthcare POA, POA, a list of phone numbers in case of emergency, her business documents. She said to me that she knew I had all of that as well, and I sheepishly said no. Now, I have an appointment with my attorney.
- Have a plan for your living arrangements going forward. Don’t act like you are surprised when someone comes to you and says that it is time to move to housing that is more appropriate. We all know it is coming one day. So plan for it. Will your current place work? What changes would you have to make? Or, will you have to move?
- Make sure you have a support system as you move forward. This is especially important as a single woman. We don’t have a spouse who is the other half of the equation. We absolutely need friends who will ride off into the sunset with us.
If you want to read more about what lies ahead, I do recommend Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old? by Joy Loverde. She really lays it all out on the table and will give you lots to think about.
Get yourself ready for what’s coming and you will be less anxious and more prepared.
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