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I was with a newish friend last week for dinner and we were just chatting and he said to me, “And?” I didn’t know what he meant. I wish I could remember what our exact conversation was, but I can’t. I looked at him and he said it again, “And?” It was all about how I needed to lose the frame of my story.
He said, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I keep hearing about how you got to this point (meaning the end of my marriage, how I got my footing back, etc.), but then what? I don’t want to hear you start with that anymore. I’ve heard it.”
That was it. He didn’t hurt my feelings at all. I just didn’t realize that I always lead with my divorce. I don’t know if it’s because I write about it so much or if it’s because it kind of frames where I am and why I’m here, but I do tell my story an awful lot. Am I telling that story over and over again to pat myself on the back? To say, “Look what I did, I left a man with big money and a big house and big fancy cars and I am so brave and noble.” Maybe. Maybe I think I had status then and now I do not. Maybe.
And, that is my own soul searching moment right there. I didn’t even know I felt that way. Do I think I am better than the life I am leading now? I hope not, but I might and that is a hard pill to swallow. It is eye opening for me. I may still have a hangup about being divorced. Maybe I am marginalizing myself and if that’s the case, I can’t move forward.
Let me say that my friend had no idea what a firestorm he was igniting in my brain when he said that but I have thought of nothing else since. I have framed this chapter of my life with who I was, and that makes me mad at myself. I don’t want to give any power to that bad marriage and bad man, and by basing my current and future existence on it, I have done just that.
That stops now! Really, that stops now. It has actually taken an enormous burden off my shoulders. I no longer have to carry that big fat “boohoo for me” weight around my neck. Done. From now on my story starts after my marriage.
I know I’m not the only one who frames her life now with her previous life. Check yourself. Are you guilty of this as well? If so, only you can make that change. Only you can re-write your story. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
Read MoreGoodbye Marriage, Hello New Adventure
Original Post: November 2015
After thirty years of marriage, I find myself coming to the end of holy matrimony. I have to say, on one hand, I would have never thought this could happen to me in a million years and on the other hand… I knew at the wedding that something was off. Now it is goodbye marriage, hello new adventure.
My soon to be former husband (SBFH) wanted the house. After all, it sits on his prized golf course like a great big penis: as long as he has that house he is the man. So, I found an apartment, moved out one weekday and here I am in a one-room loft with my dog. I have been here for three months and I love it. I feel content and safe and at ease, without the stomach ache I had every day for the last, oh I don’t know, 15 years. I feel good in my own skin. And the longer I am in my new life, the more excited I get about my future.
I would love it if you would stick with me in this chapter of my life: it is going to be a blast!
Paula
Read MoreA very close friend of mine became ill a few months ago. While he will survive the illness, his recovery is slow and I miss my great friend so much. His illness brought to my attention the fact that this man has been my rock for a couple of years. That rock is missing from my life right now and I am heartbroken about it.
As I was thinking about the effect that Don has had on my life, I came to the realization that no man has ever been my rock. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true: not my husband or my father or any other man in my life. I have had no male significant others for support.
As a matter of fact, if I am using the word rock to describe my friend Don and our friendship, I can use the word quicksand to describe pretty much all of my male role models. With the exception of a few, I have spent my life with quicksand.
I love love loved my father, but he faced his own demons and wasn’t a pillar of strength for me. Sadly, I would guess that my daughter might feel the same way about her father, however, I don’t want to put words into her mouth. I can only project my own feelings there. I had no siblings, so no brothers to look up to.
And, now that I have had a rock in my life, I don’t think I can ever go back to the quicksand that I settled for in earlier years. I need that strength around me. I need that settled feeling around me, that comfortable, soft-place-to-land feeling that comes with a man or woman who is a rock.
If I try hard enough I can actually envision sitting on a rock, resting, regrouping. And, quicksand? I am just dancing. Always dancing trying to stay just above the surface, and constantly floundering.
If you can picture yourself in each of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. And you can feel what I am feeling. Never, ever, ever allow yourself to be sucked in by that quicksand. Go with a rock every time.
Do you have a quicksand story? Or a rock story? I would love to hear from you.
Read MoreA few years ago, I felt that I had nothing to be proud of. My marriage had been a nightmare for years. I had made a business decision that was catastrophic. I made some decisions about friendships that, while I know I made the best call for myself, had caused me pain. I was trying so hard to hold everything together that when it all did fall apart I was a huge failure. A loser!
Then, I was alone. I had the support of all of my loved ones, but I was all alone. All alone, crying myself to sleep. Can you relate?
Now, everything has changed. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few years. But, for the first time in many years (the time with my children excluded, of course) I am happy. Happy and healthy and hopeful. Hopeful for my future. Hopeful that I will remain happy and healthy. And, happy with myself.
So, this is what pride feels like. I am proud of who I am again (I was not proud of myself when I was married because I wasn’t my true self). I feel proud of how I have handled myself in a contentious divorce. I am proud of the woman that my children see now. I love my new condo and lifestyle. Honestly, I am a proud woman.
If you aren’t feeling pride in yourself, ask yourself why. What would it take to be proud of yourself? What would make you proud of yourself? Can you make the changes necessary to change? You know how much I preach about embracing change, but if you can embrace it, too, just think of how far you can go. The only person stopping you from being a proud woman is you.
Let me say this to you, if you feel that you have done things that you are not proud of, join the club. The best thing you can do is to mend your ways, whatever that looks like to you and move forward on a better path. You know you can do it.
Read MoreLast night I got home from book club, walked the dog, put my jammies on and hopped in bed to read a little and watch some housewives yell at each other! Regular night: quiet, enjoyable, alone. The way my bedtimes have been for nearly four years since I left my husband.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I cried every night for about the first year. I just couldn’t believe that my life was taking this twist, although looking back, there had never been any other way for it to end. It was, of course, destined to come to an end.
I have become more and more accustomed to my life as a single woman over sixty. It was a slow process, but I slowly had fewer nights in tears and began to have some positive moments. Bedtime, however, was always the dreaded misery hour: when I was faced with thinking about where I was in my life, missing my family, missing being a married mother of three, missing the life that I had planned for myself and my children. Every night I prayed the same prayer, to anyone who was listening, “Please take this man off my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.”
Fast forward to the present and my prayers were answered. It took a long time for me to know that I could do it, I could be single and over sixty. And, it took even longer for me to get to the point where I knew my life would be better. I just couldn’t see it for so long.
So, here is my new normal. I am happy and healthy. My life is probably the best it has been, ever, with the exception of every minute spent with my children. And, they now know me as the woman I was meant to be, a happy woman, a woman they had never known before.
What does your new normal look like? Are you happy with it or does it need some tweaking? Make it a life you can be proud of!
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