Family
Seems like a no-brainer, right. As the song goes, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.” While I am not clapping my hands I have become aware of my happiness. Guess what: I am happy. That doesn’t mean I am trouble free and it doesn’t mean that my life is one big ball of cotton candy, but I am happy and I am just now becoming aware of my happiness. Two years ago I moved out of my house, with my husband still in it, and started my life over. I hated every minute of it and I honestly thought my life had all but ended. Everything that defined me, wife and mother, was no longer there. My children were grown and gone and my role as wife had “expired”. I wasn’t sure I had the capacity to start over and I didn’t want that part of my life to change. I wanted to be a wife and a mother in an intact family and giving up on that dream nearly did me in. But now, now I’m happy. I willed myself to be happy, even at times when that was the farthest thing from the truth.
Here are some of the ways that I can tell I am happy and I am guessing that if you are experiencing any or all of these you are, too.
I am awake, I sleep, I wake up
Sounds very simple, doesn’t it. It’s not. And, it was anything but simple for me for the last few decades. I have known so many women over the years who just couldn’t sleep, and it was no wonder with babies and children who turned into teenagers. And, by nature, a mother never sleeps soundly for the rest of her life. But I have been chronically awake for many years. I tried medication and meditation and still very little sleep. With happiness came sleep. Happy sleep. The kind of sleep that allows me to wake up in the middle of the night and go back to sleep rather than ruminate over my bad married life.
When I moved into an apartment, it took a long time for me to adjust and for me to feel comfortable sleeping alone in my own bed. Want to know how I like it now? It is the bomb! I go to bed, I fall asleep, there is no one there to wake me up so I stay asleep, then, when morning hits, I wake up. It sounds so simple, doesn’t it?
I am Happy with my Downtime and I am Just Busy Enough
Everyone needs to feel needed. Everyone needs to feel necessary. And everyone needs to feel like part of the world. It isn’t healthy for anyone to continually be on vacation, but filling every hour of the day is worse.
In my younger years, I felt that if I wasn’t super busy I wasn’t relevant. I had no value. Now, I don’t want to have any value! I want to be the least valuable person in the room! I have nothing to prove so I don’t keep adding more to my plate. I say no to requests for my time. I am happy not being super busy: it made me grouchy. I am active physically and still active in the community, but I just don’t care about being so busy that I have no time to myself. As a matter of fact, I say no invitations when I need a little break. I know that I am happier when I am not so overbooked.
I Look Forward to the Weekend
I have to admit that when I was first single and living in my little one room loft, I hated to see the weekend come. I was lonely, even though I had lots of friends who included me in their plans. Sooner or later I had to go home, and home was just me. For more than 30 years home had been me and my husband and while he was not the great communicator, he was a living, breathing body on the other side of the bed. He was there to have breakfast with and to watch a game with or go to a movie with. Now single, it was not unusual for me to be sitting in my apartment on Friday night and have no plans until workout class Monday morning. That was tough.
Maybe I am just used to my new normal, but as long as I have one activity to look forward to on the weekend, I am a happy camper. Now when I go home I am not lonely, I am just alone, and that is OK.
I Don’t Miss my Children Every Second
When my marriage ended, I felt at loose ends. I had been so used to being the go-to person for everything. Our family revolved around me: I was the connector to all travel, holidays, birthdays, scheduling, etc. So, when the marriage came to an end, so did that “job.” I missed my children every second, maybe because they were now my entire family, my safe haven. They were my everything. It isn’t that fun for them to be my everything! I knew that at the time but I had to hold on to them for a while until I got my footing. Until I became stable again. But let me tell you, I hung on their every word, every movement, every for a long time. And now, I am able to let them catch their breath. I love any little bone they throw my way, but they are not 100% of my life, nor should they be. They were my lifeboat for a while and I am so lucky to have had them there to hold me up for a while.
I Smile for No Reason
Embarrassing but true, I find myself smiling while I am walking the dog. I think people think I am on earbuds listening to someone on the phone, but I am not. I am just smiling. I might be thinking about something or someone and I realize I have a smile on my face. In my marriage, there weren’t many smiles to be had. I was having to fake it. And now, I am smiling for nothing? I’ve come a long way baby!
I Throw my Hat in the Air Each Time I Walk Out of my Apartment
OK, I do not do this, but sometimes I feel just like Mary Tyler Moore when I am walking out of my apartment. I might just throw my hat in the air for effect. I am happy to be healthy and alive and vital. I have just enough free time. I exercise and work and go to movies and listen to music and do all the things that make me happy. Mary Richards has nothing on me.
Read MoreI love my children and when I think of all the trips we have taken over the years I have so many wonderful memories. I will always treasure those times, but I know I have forgotten how much work it was to get everything and everyone lined up, to get everyone packed, to find activities that all three children would like, and the list goes on. Maybe some memories are better forgotten!
Being newly single and in my sixties, I was apprehensive about what travel would look like for me moving forward. Let me just say, and pay attention here, IT IS GREAT! I can’t stop making plans for travel now; I enjoy it so much. When I traveled with my husband the room was a mess, he had to have the side closest to the bathroom and a game was on the TV before I could even take my shoes off. He packed more clothes than I did and you can guess who was in the middle seat on the plane. All very trivial, of course, and nothing to fight over.
But, now that I am often traveling alone, my room is so peaceful and lovely and not messy. I might not even turn on the TV. That’s right! What a rebel. Of course, I’m joking, and I would much rather be in a happy marriage and taking trips with my husband than have a clean hotel room. This is me looking on the bright side.
A bi-product of my new, single status has been that my adult children have somehow made more time to travel with me. I have no doubt that they don’t like to see me traveling alone all the time and I could just kiss them all over for that.
And, somehow I have passed the planning baton off to them and they have picked it up without missing a beat. They are all excellent at finding activities, restaurants, things of interest, transportation. I get to just go along for the ride and I always pay so they will keep coming back for more! I just returned from an extended trip with my daughter, and I loved every minute of it. She made all the plans, and I was her happy passenger. She looked at the map, and I followed her lead. It’s was the best.
Because my adult children live in Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles, getting everyone together at one time is nearly impossible, but when we do travel together, I get to experience them as they are as adults, together. I am intrigued by their interactions with each other, and with me, as they are now, rather than as they were when they lived at home. Taking trips together creates a level playing field where their old roles vanish and we all get to know each other in a different way. I can’t say enough good things about it.
Read MoreI hear the word “tribe” a lot lately. It is a buzz word of sorts. Just as “team” is to the professional life, “tribe” is to the personal life. I heard someone say that the five people who are closest to you say everything about who you are. That got me thinking about who those people are, and while I don’t know if the number five has any significance in my life, contemplating the important people in my life has me beaming with pride. I look at that group of people and there is not one I would trade in for a new model. From my children to my family members to my core group of friends and beyond, my tribe is awesome. I am actually a little embarrassed even to consider my tribe because every member is so strong. I don’t really feel like I deserve the tribe I have. But I am glad I have them.
My children, well, need I say more? They are the most important members of my tribe. What I see in my children is the best of what my husband and I had to offer, without the bad stuff. How did that happen? Or they may be great kids in spite of us! But they have surrounded themselves with quality people too so I feel comfortable with their tribes, as they are an extension of my own.
When I left my home and my husband in my home, I got a little bit of a do-over. It wasn’t conscious, but I had the chance to curate my own tribe to include those people who I enjoy, who support me and I them, who are interesting, and who are full of the things that were lacking in my marriage: transparency, integrity, communication, and trustworthiness. Those are my personal pillars (My tribe has a four-pillared tent for my visual).
So for me, the people in my tribe aren’t a representation of me, they are a representation of who I aspire to be. They each have traits that I want to have or wish I had and elevate me and make me better. When I think about what my future looks like I know now that I can only add someone to my tribe who is of that caliber. Someone who enhances my life and the lives of the people in my tribe.
No one needs to take my advice, that’s for sure, but take a look at your tribe and if there is anyone who brings you down, who brings down the level of integrity of your tribe, it might be time to rethink that relationship. I didn’t know how to do that when I was married, but I do now. Because when someone brings you down, whatever the reason, it weighs on you and it shows. I know it showed on me for years. The integrity of your tribe will always suffer as long as you have people in your life who bring you down or just don’t match up to what you want your tribe to look like. Change that picture in your mind then change your life.
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You can be happy while you are alone. The same can’t be said for being lonely.
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Sitting in a football stadium full of people, you can be lonely. It is not a question of numbers, but of emotions. If you are watching the football game at home by yourself, well you get it, you are just alone.
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Some things are preferable when you are alone like reading. You might prefer to read when alone. It is great to nap while you are alone. On the other hand, if you are feeling lonely, a Saturday date-night movie by yourself might not be the best time to venture out.
- Sometimes being lonely might make you try something new to get over the loneliness. You might join a group or class that will allow you to learn a new skill or improve on an old hobby. The sheer making the arrangements can go a long way in helping with loneliness. And, you will meet new people and maybe form some new friendships. It feels great to take control in improving your situation, and the worst thing that can happen is that you still feel lonely. What have you got to lose? You can still be alone anytime.
- Laughter is great for loneliness and also for when you are alone. It is hard to feel lonely when you are laughing, try it. And, it is wonderful to be alone when you want to laugh out loud.
- On special occasions, to avoid loneliness, nothing replaces planning. If you know you are going to be lonely for Christmas, plan ahead. Do everything you can to make it better before it comes up. Let’s face it, nothing makes up for not being with loved ones, or not having loved ones around on family holidays but you can work on it. Last year I planned a movie with a friend for Christmas morning because neither of us had any plans until later in the day and it kept me from feeling so blue on the first Christmas morning in my life when I wouldn’t be with my children. I was alone when I woke up but had plans that kept me from being lonely.
- If you want to watch a big game but it feels so lonely to do it by yourself at home, go to a nearby restaurant or bar and watch for a while. Much of the fun is just being around other people to cheer on your team. It might take care of your loneliness. But, if you want to watch alone, no shame in that either.
- Speaking of bars and restaurants, if you want to have a drink when you are alone, well that’s up to you. If you want to have a drink when you are lonely…don’t do it. It is nothing but a slippery slope that will just make you feel worse.
- I hate to put this in, but cleaning makes me feel less lonely. I think because I start thinking about how great my place will look when someone comes to see it. How much all of this organization will make me happy when I finish. And, of course, I must do it while I am alone.
- Being lonely makes me tired, in a sad sort of way. Draggy. I find that exercise helps, as much as I hate to admit it. If I exercise and I am tired, I deserve to be. Being alone does not make me tired.
Of course, much of this is tongue-in-cheek, but it’s rooted in my experiences over my sixty years. I have to trick myself a lot in order not to feel lonely. I hope I won’t always have to do that. I don’t treat loneliness lightly, though. If you feel lonely, but you feel that it will pass or diminish over time, then that seems like a healthy attitude to me. However, if you are living under a dark cloud that never seems to go away, that probably needs help from the outside, whatever that looks like to you.
Read MoreI am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
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