Family
If you haven’t heard enough Coronavirus woes everywhere you look and listen and watch, I will give you more right here (I didn’t want to be left out of the fun!). For most of us single women over sixty, self-distancing means one thing: we are alone. For whatever the time period is, whether it’s a weekend, a couple of weeks or longer, we are alone. And, that alone time can turn to isolation and loneliness quickly. I can’t make that better, but I do have a couple of tips that are helping me through this time.
Turn It Off
If you have the television on a news channel all day, and you are looking at every alert that pops up on your phone and you are on Facebook reading what your friends say about the grocery store, you will go mad! How does that help? Turn it off! You can check in to all of your sources every once in a while, but if you have it on constantly your anxiety level will escalate. Be informed, but don’t overdo it. Everything that comes across isn’t factual and isn’t going to help you in your own life so just check in once in a while, don’t make it your 24/7 way of life.
Don’t Look at Your 401K
Of course, you should know what you have. But, I decided that I am not going to look at my savings until things have become less volatile. what is the point? I am worried, certainly, but there is nothing I can do about it right now and I have no idea what things will look like in six months. It’s not easy, I know, and it doesn’ mean I am not paying attention, but I know my savings isn’t what it was even a few weeks ago. I have decided to put that on the backburner of worries right now. There are things I can control right now, and that is not one of them.
Watch What You are Eating
Doesn’t that sound crazy? But, I noticed that the items I had picked up at the grocery were things I never keep in my place: crackers, peanut butter and ramen noodles are not on the menu at Chez Paula, but for some reason, that’s what I bought, and started to eat. By the time the crisis is lifted, I will be self-distancing because my stomach will have grown! I went back to the grocery today and bought salad and vegetables. I don’t know why I thought from this point forward I could only eat food sealed in cardboard boxes! And there was plenty of produce. Eat that now and save the noodles for later.
Take a Walk
My friend said this to me last night: if you are uncomfortable about going to the gym and you are getting cabin fever, you can at least take a walk. Good advice. Get a little fresh air to clear the cobwebs off if you are stuck in the house for too long.
Stay Connected
This is most important: stay connected to the outside world, not just with Hoda and Savannah, but with real people. Talk with friends on the phone rather than texting so it feels more real. Make sure to check on other people you know who live alone. And, let your buddies know that you would love a call here and there too. It will make a big difference in breaking up your day during this uncertain time.
Stay Safe and Healthy!
Read MoreThe holidays are here: yippee! But, holidays can present tough times for single women. We are surrounded by images of family and joy and the wonder of the season. Visions of people opening gifts, sharing meals and hugging loved ones are all over the tube. Many of us, as single women over fifty, may be feeling left out. I sometimes feel like my chair at the table is an addition: it used to be my table. Well, all of those feelings are valid and all may be true. But, if you let yourself crumble under the weight of those negative feelings, if you let them take over, you’re sunk.
Let’s not let that happen. Right here we are going to kick loneliness and sadness during the holidays to the curb. Let’s get started.
- Plan, plan, plan: Planning is everything when you are trying to eliminate loneliness any time, but especially during the holidays. Take a look ahead and pinpoint those times that are going to be dicey. That might be New Year’s Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Eve: a time when you will be alone and missing loved ones or those who have passed or those who are far away. For me, that is always the time when my adult children are with their father, family time that no longer includes me. I hate it and I make sure to have plans for that time so I am not sitting at home being a sadsack. I go to a movie, get together with friends or get busy cooking for my family time.
- Volunteer: So many people receive volunteer services all year long and those volunteers need a break during the holidays. You can fill in. Nothing uplifts your spirits more than helping others. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than helping others. Nothing fills your heart with joy more than helping others. There are endless opportunities for volunteerism year-round and, of course, during the holidays.
- Invite friends to your place: I have no doubt that you have friends who have “gaps” in their holiday celebrations. Invite them to your home for a cocktail or coffee and dessert. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but there are others who would love an invite and that can come from you. You will feel great getting to share your home with others and they will greatly appreciate it. They are part of your extended “family.”
- Say yes to invitations: We often say no to invitations because we are too tired or overloaded during the holidays. Stop that! You can rest in January. Take advantage of every opportunity to be with others over these next few weeks. This is the time to be social and connected in order to stave off loneliness.
- Invite yourself: That sounds crazy, right? Far from it! Don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t be too proud, be proactive. You will find that others are happy for you to join them.
Now, I don’t know anyone who likes New Year’s Eve. Not one person. For me, it always feels melancholy. And it may be. But, whatever you do, spend it doing something you love, whether you are alone or with friends or family. Be in a place, mindfully, of peace, whatever that looks like for you, as you welcome the new year with anticipation.
Happy Holidays!
Read MoreRepost from 11/27/2015
It is official…I am off Thanksgiving duty. For no less than 25 years I have been the cook, picker-upper, baker, briner…of the biggest meal of the year. This year, my oldest son had to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving so since this would be a new year in all ways for us, we had the family holiday in Chicago all prepared by my son and his girlfriend. The Turkey to whom I was married for 30 years was elsewhere, so it was the best Thanksgiving ever!
Are you choking right now? Laughing? Crying? Well, stop it because I am serious: I have never felt sexier. At 63 I might be in my prime, as sad as that might sound to some of you.
I can honestly say that I haven’t felt sexy for maybe thirty years. Let’s face it, when your marriage is bad the word sexy doesn’t even exist. Add to that the stream of women in my husband’s life during our marriage, ending with someone much younger than I am (and yes I am aware that younger isn’t always better) and you get the drift. It chipped away at me until there was nothing left.
Even after I became single, I now realize, I carried so much of that in my head with me, that feeling that I wasn’t young therefore I wasn’t desirable or sexy. Well guess what girls, none of that was true for me and it isn’t true for you. It’s hogwash!
I am 63 years old. The only thin thing on me is my hair, which is almost all white and I’m not just talking about my head! My feet, without sandblasting, look pre-historic. My breast “base” is closer to my waist than to my shoulders. I used to have really great legs and, well, those days are over.
So why is it that I think I am sexier now than I have ever been? One word: freedom.
This year was not an easy one for me. I foolishly thought that once I was divorced I would cruise through a new and exciting life. That was partially true, but this last year presented many challenges for me. By the end of July, I was a mess: sad, lonely, depressed, feeling hopeless. You name it, it wasn’t going well around me. Then one day I told myself that I had to turn things around or continue to go down an unhappy slippery slope. So I made a conscious effort to make changes, and that helped, but I still wasn’t there.
My Friend Confronted with the Truth, Now I’ve Never Felt Sexier
Then my friend Cy said something to me that changed everything. He said, “Just have fun. What are you waiting for?” His actual words were, “What are you saving it for?” And with that I was free. He was absolutely right. I had been the keeper of the flame for family and some close friends for so long that I was miserable. I was constantly trying to be a positive role model for my children. I wanted to always be there for a very ill friend. I wanted to date but couldn’t stand to hurt anyone’s feelings if I didn’t think we were a fit so it had become a burden. Crazy, right! I wasn’t enjoying anything and he was right, when was the fun going to start for me?
So here I am, the sexiest I have ever been and loving it. And, I may not even be sexy on the outside. Don’t care. I feel alive and desirable. I feel smart. I feel accomplished. I am more interesting now. I feel independent. I feel free, and I think my newfound freedom shows in my zest for life. To me, that’s sexy!
Let me tell you something, feeling sexy, having a joie de vivre, isn’t bad. I now have a spring in my step that I had lost and I am a new girl again. Thank you, Cy.
Read MoreRepost from 8/1/2016
One year ago, my husband pulled out of the driveway to go to work, I picked up a truck, packed everything I had room to take with me, and moved out. I was gone by the time he got home. His only text to me was, “Where should I forward your mail?”
I had lived with a stomach ache for a year prior to that. When he refused to sleep somewhere else, I moved to another room. When he refused to leave the house, I knew that it would be me who would have to make the move. It took me quite a while to get used to that idea, but once I did, I was determined to change my life. I still wake up with a stomach ache here and there, but I can handle that.
Most often, I wake up happy. I love my life. I sure didn’t think I would be here at sixty, but now I can’t believe I lived the way I did for so long. I think the biggest change that I have found in myself over the past year has been that I am actually smart. I am actually a nice person. That I actually have value at my age and there are some people who really like me. I am proud of who I am and where I am going. I’m all “Woman Hear Me Roar” about myself and I like it. Now, I may wake up tomorrow and have a big sobfest, but for now…I am happy.
One of my sons wrote me a note a few months ago telling me how proud he is of what I have accomplished in the past year and it shocked me. I really didn’t know that the kids saw that when they look at me. I thought they just saw a Mom who cries when they get here to visit and cries when they leave. The Mom they have to talk to at least once a week. Now…the pressure is on and I love it.
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