Embracing Change
Last week I wrote about my conversation with some of my friends at a women’s prison where I volunteer. We were all laughing and chatting while we sat around a table crafting. It was very fun and it was very light-hearted. But, when I started to think about what their days are like, I realized how lucky I am to lead the life that I do. And, I want to transfer some of those lessons into my own life.
Have Patience
My girlfriends told me that they learned patience quickly in prison. But more than that, they said, “All we have is time.” Think about that. For most of us, we wish we could have more time, more time to do nothing. Not these ladies. They sit and wait a lot. They try to fill their time: some of them make good use of their time by getting their GEDs, taking college-level classes and getting job training. Still, time must feel like it is standing still when you’re marking off the days until you have the opportunity to change your life again, by leaving the prison system.
As women over 50, I bet not one of you feels like you have time to waste. I know I don’t. I feel like I have to make every minute count because my time on this earth isn’t infinite: it will come to an end sooner than I wish. So, I want to make each day count. We are all so lucky that we don’t have to watch the clock tick away at our existence. We have the freedom to call many of the shots in our lives and I do not want you to waste a moment.
Be Resourceful
These women have so few resources when it comes to their everyday life. But, there is no group of women who can make more out of very little than my friends in prison: flower bouquets out of tissue paper, costumes for the talent show out construction paper and staples, veggie burgers out of oats and ramen seasoning. You name it, they can probably make it.
None of us is that hungry for resources, I know that, but so many of us single women, 50+ have different finances than we thought we would have at this time in their lives, including me. And, since having this conversation with my girlfriends on the inside, I have been thinking about all the waste in my life and how I can do better and save some dough at the same time.
I decided to take one area of my life and “clean it up.” I want to be more in tune with frivolous spending. So, I have chosen beauty products: makeup, lotion, fancy soap. I spend way too much on those things and then they just sit in my bathroom drawer taking up space. For this summer, I am pledging to myself that I will use up what I have until it’s gone before adding one more mascara or hair volumizer. And, when I do buy some of these products, I will only purchase more than what I need if it’s on sale. Now, that’s what I call resourcefulness, don’t you?
Hoard the Good Stuff
Well, I have to confess that I still have ribbon in my closet that I bought in 2014 in Paris because it is so special to me. So, trust me, I am hoarding the good stuff! This is one area where I excel. Too much as a matter of fact. It makes me think of Seinfeld and Elaine referring to men as “sponge-worthy.” If you are like me and hoard too much of the good stuff, try just starting to use it a little at a time. Like, wear that lipstick that is retired and quit saving it for special occasions, and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about! It is possible that I am hoarding Bobbi Brown #49.
Needs vs. Wants
This is a big one, right? I have no doubt that we all refer to things as needs, when, in fact, they are not even close to a need. I certainly have to count myself in when talking about food that I need, like ice cream, vs. want. A cocktail that I need, vs. want. Pretty much anything I say that I need, for the most part, I want. So, my friends inside made me think of needs vs. wants differently. And, when I look at life that way, it actually becomes a more simple, peaceful existence.
I hope you will take away some lesson from my friends on the inside of prison walls and apply them to your own life. Their words will certainly make you feel more appreciative with what you have already in your life. You also might begin to spend money and time a little differently.
What changes are you making to your life now that you know a few of the lessons learned from my friends inside of prison walls?
Read MoreThis has absolutely nothing to do with being over sixty or single or any of the usual topics that you read here on Starting Over at Sixty. But I had such an interesting conversation with some women this past week that I just wanted to share it with you.
I volunteer at a women’s prison near me several times throughout the year. The women I visit are in a recovery program and together we sing and share and get to know each other a little. It is an awesome experience.
Last week we worked together on a service project and we had lots of time to chat while we were crafting. We started a light-hearted conversation about things you learn in prison. I told the ladies that I was going to write about it for my blog, and they were so excited.
As single women over fifty, many of us are living lives that haven’t exactly worked out the way we expected. I planned to be married forever. Didn’t happen and I can feel very sorry for myself at times. But now, when I’m right in the middle of a pity party, I am thinking of my friends inside the prison walls and I am zipping it!
Here are the lessons that I learned about prison and prison life that I want to carry with me in my back pocket when I am getting ready to melt down over something small.
Have Patience
The ladies told me that the most important lesson they learned right away is to wait. Women in prison have nothing but time and they learn to wait for everything. Nothing moves quickly in prison. And while they wait, they have nothing to do: no cell phone, no tablet, no book or magazine. They can’t watch TV while they wait or go take a nap or throw in a load of laundry. They just wait. When you are in prison you just have to get used to waiting. I am going to use this lesson during my road rage sessions!
Be Resourceful
There isn’t much to work with in prison. I hear a lot about women making do, like using body wash and water in a spray bottle to come up with “fragrance.” Or using oats and some seasoning to make “veggie burgers.” You would be amazed at what they can do. I have even heard of Jolly Ranchers being used to make hair gel! Our service project last week was to make “bouquets” of tissue paper flowers for Mother’s Day. They were beautiful! You would not believe what they can do with very little. And, they waste nothing: they come up with a use for everything they have access to.
Hoard the Good Stuff
We were laughing about the fact that while they do so much with so little, if they do get something that they are excited about, they hold on to it with all their might! They use every last drop and they use it sparingly. Nothing more to say about that except that we were drooling over the hot pink tissue paper at the table next to us! We knew they would never part with any of that.
Needs vs. Wants
This was a good one. These women say they now know rthe difference between a need and a want. We laughed a lot about that! Most things that we say we need, are, of course, wants. As if I need a Starbucks before I get going. It sounds pretty silly when I say it now.
So, what’s the takeaway from this? How can we use these little nuggets in our everyday lives? I am going to talk about that next week in my post. But, for now, think about how these lessons from prison can be incorporated into your own lives and what they mean to you.
Read MoreAre you living the life you envisioned? I bet most of you are shaking your heads about now and saying to yourself, “No, I am not.” I have to say, I’ve been so focused on the fact that being single wasn’t part of the plan, that I didn’t realize that I am actually closer to my vision than I have ever been in my life.
I am single. I didn’t expect to be single, although that thought seems ridiculous now. But, I always saw myself as the married mother of three for the rest of my life. That didn’t happen, so my happiness was over. I had failed. I saw my divorce as the tent pole for everything, rather than one piece of the puzzle.
Recently, I’ve been evaluating my life and what’s missing and how I can make it better and the truth is this: the only thing missing in my life is that marriage. And, it was a terrible marriage. It wasn’t happy, it wasn’t healthy, it was not right for me. I have been so mad at myself for not picking the right guy, for not making it work with that guy, for not being able to hold on to that marriage no matter what, for failing at marriage. It is time to stop.
The only opinions that matter to me about all of that are my children’s and they don’t see a failure. They actually see a woman who was able to take all of that and reboot.
I am actually the closest I have ever been to living the life I envisioned. There is one piece missing, but that one piece isn’t everything. I am not married to the father of my children. That’s all. But I have a great life, I love my life. It actually looks like a life that I could have envisioned all those years ago, with a couple of exceptions. I am proud of it.
So again, I ask you, are you living the life you envisioned? What’s missing from it and are you letting one missing link takeover your wellbeing? Re-evaluate where you are, where you want to be and I feel certain that you will be closer than you think to your dream.
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Read MoreAs single women, we know the importance of friendship. For many of us, our friendships are our primary relationships: we have family and we have friends. That’s it, that’s everything. So, it’s important to be a good friend. But recently I was faced with the fact that I hadn’t been as good a friend as I could have been to a couple of my besties and it made me mad at myself.
For the last 3 to 5 years I was the one who was dealing with something: I was moving out, I was leaving my husband, I was waiting for the divorce to become final, I was moving into my own place. Me, me, me. Honestly, I have never been this interesting in my life! But, what happened was that I became the topic, always, and I got used to it. I got used to feeling like my life was way worse than any of my friends. I was the story, not them, and I became indifferent to what was going on in their lives. I hate to even admit it.
Recently it came to my attention that plenty of my friends were going through transitions, too, and I had stopped being sensitive to that. I had become so used to being the one, the one who needed support. The one who needed a shoulder to cry on. The one who was putting on a brave face through this tough time in her life. That became my identity and my story. And, really, I am sick of being that woman.
So, friends of Paula, look out. I am putting all my effort into being the friend who I haven’t been over the last few years. I am at the other end of the phone just waiting to hear from you. Wait, I’m not waiting for you to call, I am calling you. I want you to get yourselves all worked up about something so I can talk you down. Just kidding.
I am not kidding about being a good friend, though. I want to get better at it and I want you to get better at it, too. As single women, our friendships are everything and those relationships need to be nurtured constantly. Our friendships are not static, but a dynamic, living piece of our lives that we want to remain solid as we change and age.
I hope this spurs you on to think about your friendships and what kind of friend you are. The good news is that you can change how you are as a friend at any time, so give yourself an assessment and if you need to, do better. Just be a better friend.
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