Embracing Change
One night about four years ago I was absolutely miserable. That’s it, just pure misery from head to toe. I had left my husband after more than 30 years of marriage, it was below zero outside and I was as lonely as I could be. I sat on my sofa and just started typing about those feelings and as I did, the words came pouring out of my fingertips. That really is how it felt. That’s how Starting OVer at Sixty was born.
Since that time I have loved writing about what being single and over sixty is like for me; the good, the bad and the ugly. Some of my posts have been written from the edge, for sure, and some have been offered with great enthusiasm. Sometimes the world has been my oyster and other times I was sure the sky was falling: many of you were right there with me from the comments.
Since that time my life has changed a hundred times: good, bad, good, sideways, bad, backward, good, bad and back to neutral. Sound familiar? When I write to you I always try to be open and honest. I want you to feel like you’re listening to a friend when you read Starting Over at Sixty.
Recently a friend let me know that she went back to the beginning of Starting Over at Sixty and read forward: she commented on how she felt like it reflected where I was then and where I am now and the evolution that it represents. Yay for that!
So, no matter where you are as a single woman over sixty, I hope you get encouragement from the site. Go back and “find” yourself in the archives: chances are if you’re feeling it, you will find a post about it.
Thank You!
And, thank you. Thank you for following Starting Over at Sixty over these last four years. You will continue to read about the highs and lows of being single in this phase of life, and again, the good and the bad. There is so much for us to look forward to and so much yet to discover so let’s do it together!
As always, please let me know if there is something you would like to see in Starting Over at Sixty. I want you to feel like this is home, a place to find community. I may be the creator of the site, but you are where the communication occurs.
Stay safe and stay healthy!
Read MoreWhile we have watched and heard and read about ways to entertain ourselves during social distancing and sheltering in place, I want to remind you, Starting Over at Sixty followers, that we’re ready for this. We know how to live alone and how to overcome loneliness and isolation and that’s how we can help others: we can let them know that it’s not only possible to live alone for a while, but difficulties can be sidestepped.
Last time I talked about things you can do to fill the time alone, but now it’s time to talk about emotions: let’s talk about how to deal with real feelings of isolation and mental diversions we can use. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where we separate the women from the girls. This is how we can make it through successfully versus muddling through. Take a look:
Allow Yourself the Lows
When you are spending lots of time alone, like now, it’s easy to let yourself get down, it’s easy to sink. And, when you are in that place the spiral can take on a life of its own. At least it can for me. So, I’ve tried a tactic with myself: I allow myself to wallow in it for the day, but I make myself have a plan for the following day. That way, I don’t feel guilty about the bad day, and can look forward to the good day. I make plans, even if I don’t have any. It doesn’t matter whether it is cleaning out a drawer or going for a walk or finishing a book, I just need to accomplish something to bring myself out of my pity party. Try it during this time of isolation.
Reach Out to Others
OK, I live alone, I feel isolated and there’s no place to go. Now, it’s not just me, it ‘s everyone. So, just because I’m alone doesn’t mean that I can’t do for others. I have been reaching out to those people who I know are alone, maybe even more alone than I am. It takes one minute. That’s it. I know that I have been the recipient of people reaching to me and including me in conversations, and I can do the same. It’s a cure for loneliness, reaching out to others.
Change It Up
It’s certain that you will feel a lack of accomplishment if you do the same thing everyday. Especially while we are distant, make sure to change up your routine, even if it is making something different for lunch! That’s all it takes, just a little alteration to normal life. Now that your calendar is blank, you can make your own “appointments.” Today, my calendar has “set up tripod for virtual piano lessons.” I know it’s silly, but it makes me feel like I have an actual schedule during this social isolation time.
So, these are my tricks for beating isolation. We single women over sixty already have this in the bag. We know how to make it work and how to make it better. What are you doing for distractions?
Stay Safe and Stay Healthy!
Read MoreIf you haven’t heard enough Coronavirus woes everywhere you look and listen and watch, I will give you more right here (I didn’t want to be left out of the fun!). For most of us single women over sixty, self-distancing means one thing: we are alone. For whatever the time period is, whether it’s a weekend, a couple of weeks or longer, we are alone. And, that alone time can turn to isolation and loneliness quickly. I can’t make that better, but I do have a couple of tips that are helping me through this time.
Turn It Off
If you have the television on a news channel all day, and you are looking at every alert that pops up on your phone and you are on Facebook reading what your friends say about the grocery store, you will go mad! How does that help? Turn it off! You can check in to all of your sources every once in a while, but if you have it on constantly your anxiety level will escalate. Be informed, but don’t overdo it. Everything that comes across isn’t factual and isn’t going to help you in your own life so just check in once in a while, don’t make it your 24/7 way of life.
Don’t Look at Your 401K
Of course, you should know what you have. But, I decided that I am not going to look at my savings until things have become less volatile. what is the point? I am worried, certainly, but there is nothing I can do about it right now and I have no idea what things will look like in six months. It’s not easy, I know, and it doesn’ mean I am not paying attention, but I know my savings isn’t what it was even a few weeks ago. I have decided to put that on the backburner of worries right now. There are things I can control right now, and that is not one of them.
Watch What You are Eating
Doesn’t that sound crazy? But, I noticed that the items I had picked up at the grocery were things I never keep in my place: crackers, peanut butter and ramen noodles are not on the menu at Chez Paula, but for some reason, that’s what I bought, and started to eat. By the time the crisis is lifted, I will be self-distancing because my stomach will have grown! I went back to the grocery today and bought salad and vegetables. I don’t know why I thought from this point forward I could only eat food sealed in cardboard boxes! And there was plenty of produce. Eat that now and save the noodles for later.
Take a Walk
My friend said this to me last night: if you are uncomfortable about going to the gym and you are getting cabin fever, you can at least take a walk. Good advice. Get a little fresh air to clear the cobwebs off if you are stuck in the house for too long.
Stay Connected
This is most important: stay connected to the outside world, not just with Hoda and Savannah, but with real people. Talk with friends on the phone rather than texting so it feels more real. Make sure to check on other people you know who live alone. And, let your buddies know that you would love a call here and there too. It will make a big difference in breaking up your day during this uncertain time.
Stay Safe and Healthy!
Read MoreDo you trust yourself? Really trust yourself and your thoughts and intuitions? I thought I did. I sure did when I was young. I knew everything about myself, and everything else for that matter!
After I became single at sixty, I was able to step back and look at my adult life and see where I went wrong, how my marriage had changed me, figure out what made me make some really bad decisions, and how I got where I am today. You know, the rundown of my life that goes around and around in my head at night when I can’t sleep. Please tell me I’m not the only one!
Last night was no exception: I tossed and turned for hours, ruminating about a couple of areas of my life. While I turn over from my right side to my left I am saying to myself, “What is wrong with you? What are you so worried about ALL THE TIME?”
And, here it is: I don’t trust myself. Crazy but true. I don’t trust myself after years of making terrible life choices, I just feel I can’t depend on myself. I hate it, but it’s true. Where did that come from, for the girl who thought she had the world by the tail once upon a time? The following seem to be common themes in my worried world:
Lack of Time
Time, or the lack of it, seems to hang over my head always. I feel a fear that I just don’t have enough time to still make some of my dreams come true. But, there is very little rationality to that thinking. Yes, I am not young and my new biological clock is ticking (the one that is counting down the total days, not the baby-making ones). Guess what? It was always ticking, it was just much less likely that it would stop when I was young! I now feel this nagging urgency that I have written about several times. The urgency feels so strong that I have butterflies in my stomach when I wake up. But, is it worth losing sleep over?
I have no illnesses that I know of, I am in fairly good shape and there is no reason for me to fear that the end is near, but I do and I want to stop right now! I would much rather lose sleep over something I can control, or over something that is actually real!
Lack of Funds
I can’t be alone in worrying about money in my mid-sixties, but that doesn’t make it any better. I think I have enough, and I am not retired by any means, but that constant fear about money haunts me night and day. I put money away every month like a good girl, I watch my spending, all the things that I am supposed to do but it still doesn’t make me feel calm and secure. Even my financial advisor told me to lighten up (not her exact words).
I have always had confidence in myself and my ability to earn a living, and it’s not that I have changed my mind on that, but I do feel like I can’t see a clear path to living the life that I want to live. Someone tell me the direction I should go and I’ll just do it (maybe that’s the problem)!
Love
This is a big one for me. I am finding that I don’t quite trust myself when it comes to picking a partner (as if I have a swarm of men at my door and I just need to point to one). Clearly, I didn’t make a great decision when I picked the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. And my relationship after that had a sad ending. What now? Don’t know, but I can tell you I don’t sleep at all when I have met someone who I kind of like and who likes me because it activates the worry wagon in my head. I put a lot of pressure when it comes to matters of the heart and I’m not sure that’s necessary. Rats!
I do know that every woman I know that I talk with in my age group feels unsettled. It is an unsettling age, for sure, and I had no idea that it would be. But I want to find a way to reduce the anguish in my brain at night and enjoy all of the great things in my life, while I have them. Maybe that’s the angst.
Do my Starting Over at Sixty Sisters have the same feelings? Any ideas for a more calm, settled Paula?
Read MoreAbout six months ago I found myself at a low point. Things weren’t going well and something just had to give. I planned a little trip to get away from things for a few days and threw my bike in my car. Nothing fancy, just had t get out fo town. I had no idea at the time, but I had actually figured out a strategy for making change in my own life and you can do the same: create your own disruptor.
While I was on that long weekend away I saw things so clearly. I was able to make a plan. Just the simple act of physically leaving my troubles behind had created a situation that disrupted my thinking and opened up a path to make changes to fix what was broken.
Fast forward and I have been feeling the same way that I did several months ago: certain aspects of my life just haven’t been working well. I have been stuck in a bad situation that felt like it had no end in sight and has been bringing me down for a year. It hit a low point this week and I knew I had to do something.
Coincidently, I hopped on a plane this week to visit my son and when I was on the plane, I mean just a few hours after we departed, I became so clear about how I was going to move forward on this issue. Crazy, right? And just like that, the weight of the world seemed to lift right off my shoulders. It was magic.
The only way I can describe this new tactic is that I created my own disruptor: for me, just the act of getting myself out of my routine and putting a little distance between me and my worries gave me such clarity that I feel like a new woman. It’s not that the problems are gone, but by disrupting my daily life pattern, I am able to see them in a different light.
I promise you that these difficulties are not over, but the load is dramatically decreased and it is because I changed my thoughts by disrupting my surroundings and feelings about them.
I know that disruptor is kind of a buzz word, but it’s the only way I can think to describe what is working for me. It is a pivot. A turning on your heels. And I feel like I might need to do something like this about every six months to clear my head for the next challenges.
For you, create your own disruptor if you need some clarity; if you need to make some change when things aren’t going at all the way you thought they would. You know what to do now. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Your disruption can be whatever you want it to be, but it should get you away from your daily life and surroundings, kind of like your own private retreat.
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