Repost from 4/29/2020
I spoke to a group of women several months ago about confidence. The group was composed of women over fifty, some single and some not. About halfway through the discussion, I realized that my talk was not resonating with the whole group. It was falling flat. I could see some faces glazing over, and I learned a valuable lesson that night.
When I speak with other single women about confidence, they are all ears. We single women 50+ know that confidence can often be lacking in our lives. But, I think it’s not as critical for our married counterparts. Hmm.
There are lots of reasons for a lack of confidence that we share with our married sisters: our parts are all starting to break down a little and we all sometimes feel invisible. But, when I became single after 32 years of marriage, I realized that there was one confidence buster that I didn’t even know existed. Entering every room alone. That’s it for me. 100% of the time entering the room alone.
Seems silly doesn’t it. But it’s true and it’s there always. I’m not talking about grocery stores and gyms, of course. I know how to do that. But here is a shortlist of the places that I might walk into alone often: church, weddings, restaurants, funerals, movies, sporting events (well not really), concerts, graduations. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. And that can easily eat away at confidence.
Close your eyes and think about yourself when you were a young woman for a minute. Remember when you felt like you owned the room? Like you were vital to what was happening? Like everyone would want you to sit with them? I try to muster up that feeling sometimes now to fool myself into confidence.
The most important trick you can use as you spend your life walking into everywhere alone is planning. I know you hear me talk about planning all the time, but it really helps settle your nerves if you are heading into uncharted territory (let’s say you are fearful that you will run into your former husband at a graduation party).
Make a Plan
Make a plan to meet a friend or colleague at your destination. Ask a friend to save you a seat and try to get there after you think she will have arrived. It gives you someone to look for rather than having a deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face.
Walk With Purpose
When I am going into a crowded restaurant or bar and I feel a little uncomfortable about it, I just head in like I am the most important person in the room. Head held high, walking with a purpose, looking like I know right where I’m going, even if I head right to the Ladies Room. I put on my “I am so important and busy,” posture and no one is the wiser. I might be scared to death but if I walk with purpose I don’t look it.
Laugh at Your Phone
For so many reasons our cell phone is our friend, but never so much so as when we need to look very busy or very important or very popular. I will admit that I have, on more than one occasion, looked at my texts and laughed out loud at absolutely nothing, just to appear that I am very much in demand. I hope I fool at least one person.
What are your tricks to looking confident when you are not? We can all learn from each other and grow more confident. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Read MoreSeveral years ago a friend told me about being at a party where they had an activity: they made what I later learned were called Blessing Bags. This time of year is the perfect time to make some yourself and keep them in your car for times when you see someone who needs a hand. I usually make ten and sometimes I don’t go through them all in one winter and sometimes I need to make more.
You can put anything in your bags, (and every time I post this I get great suggestions) so make them your own. In a zip-top bag, I put a bottle of water, a couple of granola bars, a hat, a pair of socks, a pair of gloves, and hand warmers. Some people add a couple of dollars, while others add a bus ticket in the bags. I have had suggestions of products made especially for women. Whatever you think is important and portable can go in your bag.
I’ve never had anyone turn the bag away when I handed it out my car window, often on the exit ramp from the highway. They may have preferred cash, but lots of people want to help but don’t want to give someone money, so the bag allows you to help in a way that feels comfortable to you.
Make a “batch” of blessing bags and keep them in your car or keep one in your backpack. It is a positive way to help out during the cold winter months. And, remember that the bags can be helpful in severe heat, also. One of my friends saw a need while serving food at a shelter in the summer when it was sweltering. She made bags with a couple of bottles of water, bus passes to get cool, chapstick, sunscreen, and hand fans. Great idea!
Read MoreThis weekend one of my best friends came to visit overnight. I hadn’t realized how few times I have guests in my place: outside my children, the number of times is NEVER. I was excited because I love my home.
It felt great to have my home neat and tidy. It is always neat and tidy, but when there is someone to see it I am happier getting it looking great. I looked forward to having someone actually see where I live because I love it and I’m proud of it and I wanted to show it to my friend. So, I was happy with anticipation. We had a great time together.
Fast forward to her heading home this morning. We had a wonderful 24 hours, as always. And I figured out what felt so good about showing her my new home: I got to show one of my lifelong friends who I am now, by way of my home.
As lifelong friends, she had seen my homes over the years and how I lived with my family. Then, she came to see me on the day after I moved out of my marital home and into a one-room loft apartment, it did not feel like a happy moment. And she saw this place for a moment when it was under construction before I moved in. It had been nearly two years since Z had been to my home.
My New Lifestyle
This time, for the first time in more than five years, I had the chance to show my life to someone who has known me in every stage. I am proud of who I am now and my home reflects this girl. I honestly didn’t know why I love my home so much and now I do: it’s me. It’s me right now, not who I used to be.
So, thank you Z. I was so excited for you to see my new life and now I get why it was so important for me to show it to you: it isn’t just a home, it is a reflection of the changes in my life.
If you aren’t living in a way that reflects who you are now, rather than who you were 10, 20 or 30 years ago, make some changes. You don’t have to spend lots of money or completely start over, but just make your home feel like you.
Read MoreRepost from October 28, 2020
When you look down the road at your life, do you see yourself coasting into the finish line? Or, do you see yourself riding on a stagecoach with arms and legs flailing around your head, hat flying off and wind whipping your hair around your face? And, which vision do you like? Do you see living the rest of your life on a cushion or do you look at your life as an adventure?
If, when you think of the future, you see a life in which you put the brakes on way too soon, don’t worry. You still have time to re-invigorate your life and make it an adventure rather than a snooze fest. All it takes is the desire to turn things around. That’s it. You can start today!
Think Big or Small, It Doesn’t Matter
If you want some adventure in your life, it doesn’t have to be an African Safari. It can be anything that challenges you: whether it is a bike tour through your town or learning Salsa. You can decide to learn to use a chainsaw if that is adventurous to you. The adventure isn’t important, it is the rush that it gives you that makes the difference. It is the confidence that you feel when you reach and achieve.
Single Travel
Traveling alone sounds horrific to many women I know, but there are so many options that I promise that you will find one that works for you, if that’s what you’re looking for. Whether it is in a group or you are ready to go it alone, there are many travel agencies that specialize in both single travel and senior travel, so you are covered. There are tons of volunteer opportunities that take you around the world, if that is part of your mission, to help others. Solo travel may sound daunting, but it can be rewarding and you may meet some new friends along the way.
Learning Can Be an Adventure
Adventure can be many things to many people. It doesn’t have to mean off-roading to your yurt on a cliff side. Or riding an ostrich. Adventure might be taking a cooking class in a foreign country. I think that is adventurous. Riding in a hot air balloon is adventurous to me. Riding a bike in New York seems like a pretty big adventure in my mind. Your adventure is your adventure.
The moral of this story is this: if you are over 50 and single and looking ahead to book clubs and Pilates as the highlights of your lives, you have a long road ahead. Do not give up this early in the game. Refuse to make yourself uninteresting and do not be uninterested because if you aren’t interested in life now when can you be?
This is not a dress rehearsal. Live your life with adventure in mind.
Read MoreIt happened last night. I was trying to fold up a big dog cage and I couldn’t get it to fold. I was cleaning out a closet and had to fold up the crate to get it out of the closet. I worked and worked to no avail when it happened: I had an absolute meltdown. Crying, screaming to no one, the works. And while I felt foolish when it was over I realized that the occasional meltdown is OK.
I just needed another pair of hands and there wasn’t another pair. Now, I am a hard worker, I am tough, I am resilient and I am creative. I can come up with a solution to almost everything, but I was stuck. I felt like there was just no way to get this job done and I was beaten. It was a stupid dog cage but it was winning and I came unglued. I started to cry and scream at myself that I was tired of doing everything on my own with no help from anyone. I sat on the edge of the bed and felt sorry for myself for a few minutes, crying.
Then, just like that, I stopped. I sucked it up and went back over to the closet and figured out how to get that cage folded up and out of the way. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it, I just felt sorry for myself for those few minutes. But, my little breakdown gave me a couple of insights.
First, I remembered the fact that when I was married I was having to do everything on my own anyway, even though I had a husband. Participation on the other side was scarce. So really, nothing on that front has changed.
But, the most important lesson I learned from falling apart, was that after I stopped I felt better. I had a meltdown, wiped my nose, then got up, folded the kennel with ease and finished the task. When I sat down again, I had to chuckle to myself about my hysterical moment.
I needed that. I needed to feel sorry for myself for just a few minutes in order to turn my attitude around for the evening. I needed to take the time and boohoo, then remember that I am not much more alone than I was for so many years in my marriage, and now I have peace of mind for the other 23 hours in the day.
Today, I am thinking about how quickly misery can pass and how worth it a good cry can be. Try it!
Read MoreI thought that when I hit my sixties my life would be smooth sailing: kids launched and happy, husband in his most lucrative years in his career before winding down and me continuing to support them all in my older, white-haired way. Holy cow doesn’t that sound peachy? Hah! At sixty-two my children are indeed launched and happy, but that’s where the similarities to my naive vision end. I moved out of my marital home just before I turned sixty and was divorced at sixty-one. My hair is brown (you heard me, brown!) and while I do offer my children all the support I can, that rosy picture of what the last third of my life was going to look like is up in smoke.
My Life Looked Rosy
Since the time that I left home, I have met and talked with so many women, single and married, 50+, and if there is a common thread it is this: no one, not one of us, isn’t going through something. And, I’m not talking about a hangnail: I am talking about really difficult issues, whether with the children, health and the health of loved ones, marital status, or a combination of these, every single woman is carrying something heavy. I know that my daughter would like to forget the number of times that she’s heard me say,” No one goes unscathed.” It seems like I say it more and more frequently than I ever would have imagined. I used to believe that there were people who honestly did have it all, who got it right, who were lucky in life. And, while that may be true sometimes, from my vantage point, it doesn’t happen often.
So, think of all the women you come into contact with every day, every week, every month. There are a lot, I’m sure. Now, think about the fact that maybe half of them are really struggling with something personal and intense. The lady next to you in yoga isn’t being very friendly. The woman ahead of you in the grocery store line didn’t look up and notice that you only had a couple of items and could have easily let you ahead of her. Your friend hasn’t returned your call in a week. You always meet your sister for lunch on the last Friday of the month to catch up and she canceled last minute. Rats! Those all make you grouchy, right?
Put On Your “You’re having a rough day, aren’t you” Glasses
Now, put on your “you are having a rough day, aren’t you” glasses and see how you feel about those little annoyances. Not that big a deal are they? It’s amazing how your attitude toward someone can change when you take your own feelings out of the equation and give the other person a break. Cut them a little slack, just to be nice. Changing my attitude about the day ahead and the people around me has made me softer, and happier, as well. I feel more compassionate, without really having anything to be compassionate about. Just trying to give the people I come into contact with a pass when they aren’t at their best, creates a “reflection” of compassion back toward me. Others are treating me with more compassion. They are kinder to me when I am kinder to them. That golden rule thing really works!
So, my message to you is this: every woman with whom you come into contact is dealing with something. If you treat her with that in the back of your mind, you will feel good about yourself while you empathize with her. You don’t have to know everything going on in someone’s head to know that you can help make her day a little bit better.
Has there been a time when someone made your day without knowing it? Were you struggling with something internally? I love reading happy stories!
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