Make your bed? Why? Well here’s why: for a while, I stopped making my bed. Why bother? And, I would leave the dishes in the dishwasher, washed, and just used them straight from there. Laundry, why fold it and put it away when I can just pull it right out of the dryer and put it on? I was turning into a lazy, who cares, frat boy, apartment dweller.
So what has changed? Nothing really, but now I know that those little things matter. They actually matter to my mood and energy from the beginning to the end of my day. Think about how it feels to get into a bed that has been made vs. how it feels to get into a bed where the pillows are already squished and you have to look for the top sheet hidden under the covers at the bottom of the bed. The reason we put our clothes away from the dryer is because they are now folded and neater and not as wrinkled. And, we put our clean dishes away because we need a place to put our dirty dishes, right?
I learned that the best part of keeping things orderly, even if no one else is around is that it’s not for other people to judge, it is for my enjoyment, my contentment, my mood. As I open the door to enter, I am not hit in the face with messiness and laundry that needs to be put away and dishes that are still in the sink or dishwasher. It is perfect just for me.
I also noticed that even though I love lots of scented candles, and I wasn’t burning them often because no one else is there to enjoy them. Well, guess what sister, now I burn them all the time because I like them and I like the way they smell. And, I have removed the plastic from the sofas (just kidding about that).
I liken it to the question, “Who do you dress for, men or women?” “Who do you keep your surroundings for, company or yourself?”
I am not a neat freak by a long shot but I have found that when I keep my place orderly, even if no one else sees it, I see it and it makes me happy.
So, whether or not you are starting over, the next time you awake in the morning, make your bed!
Read MoreHave you heard people say that 6o is the new 40? Yeah right. You can bet the only people who say that are 60+. Nobody wants to get old, but Baby Boomers have taken their denial to a whole new level. There has never been a demographic so strongly opposed to aging in the history of our planet. You can count me among them. I think I look 40 when in fact I look my age, 61. I’m not fishing for compliments. That’s me in the photo with my son and his roommate. I look my age. I look like Ryan’s Mom. I’m OK with that. While I wish I was one of those women who actually does look 40 at 60, I’m not. I look like what I am.
Here’s the thing: I am beginning to realize that people don’t get what they paid for when they take a look at me. On appearance only, I am 61, but in my mind, I am 40. Imagine me walking into a company that is looking for an intern (yes, I am an intern at a web design firm). The interviewer is expecting someone who is twenty-something to walk in the door and sees Grannie Clampett take a seat. It’s a little puzzling, right?
I Wish I Looked How I Feel
Not out of vanity, but out of pride (Of course out of vanity. I wish I had my 40-year-old body and face. It took a lot less time to get ready back then. Much less spackling and corralling to do.). I am proud of who I am now. I am not a bitter old woman (I have to say that I feel that men often seem to be a little more bitter about aging than women. Maybe it’s because so many of them are Peter Pans at heart and can’t believe that they don’t get special treatment by Mother Nature.). I just wish the packaging was more indicative of the product. (OK, this is a little dirty, but it comes to mind. My mother had a friend who used to say, “I just want a snatch to match my thatch.” Hope no one is offended!)
If I had my 40-year-old body and face I could walk into a room and others would size me up exactly as I feel I am, saving me the time and energy it takes to prove that I am young at heart and in mind. I wish others could see that the ice cream hasn’t melted in this container!
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Being a newly single woman in my sixties leaves me a little untethered. What I mean is that I don’t feel anchored, I don’t feel like I am the center of anything any longer. I don’t know where I belong, where I fit in whether it is with friends or out and about where it seems that everyone is a couple.
When I was married, I knew that I was the tent pole of the family. All my children are adults now and are living coast-to-coast. I love that. I get to visit really fun cities and spend time with my children. What could be better?
But, I always knew that I was the center of the family functions, the family issues, the family travel, the family holidays. I was the facilitator. When someone was graduating, I pulled the travel together for the siblings so we would all be there. For the holidays, I made the arrangements for what we were doing. Travel? Here are your tickets and here is the hotel reservation and this is when we will meet. I know it sounds crazy but I can even picture myself standing in my driveway, the driveway to our family home, while the kids are pulling in from a long distance drive, or from being picked up at the airport. That was where I stood 100 times saying hello or goodbye or Merry Christmas.
Now, I am in a small apartment. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But, I am no longer the tent pole, or maybe, there just isn’t a tent. And, I can feel that very strongly. I wasn’t able to verbalize it for a while but something was off, and it was not about the divorce or anything about my day-to-day life. It is just under the surface. I am not unhinged, just at loose ends a little.
My Friends are the Best
The other piece to this is that I have lots of wonderful friends who include me in anything and everything. However, I spend all of my time with couples. Most of my friends are married, of course, they are. I was married for all of the years that we have been friends. We have traveled together. We have spent holidays together. Our children grew up together. I love spending time with them but when the evening is over, I go back to my apartment and they go home. I don’t feel like a whole team. They are still the tent poles of their families. And when it is a holiday, I am either on my own or I am the person they feel sorry for so they invite me to join them. So nice, but I am used to being on the other side of that.
So, this is not woe is me: far from it. I am a happy girl. But I need to find that tethered feeling again. I am looking for something that I can hang my hat on as I move forward in this chapter of my life. I know I will, but if you have any suggestions…
Read MoreI love my children and when I think of all the trips we have taken over the years I have so many wonderful memories. I will always treasure those times, but I know I have forgotten how much work it was to get everything and everyone lined up, to get everyone packed, to find activities that all three children would like, and the list goes on. Maybe some memories are better forgotten!
Being newly single and in my sixties, I was apprehensive about what travel would look like for me moving forward. Let me just say, and pay attention here, IT IS GREAT! I can’t stop making plans for travel now; I enjoy it so much. When I traveled with my husband the room was a mess, he had to have the side closest to the bathroom and a game was on the TV before I could even take my shoes off. He packed more clothes than I did and you can guess who was in the middle seat on the plane. All very trivial, of course, and nothing to fight over.
But, now that I am often traveling alone, my room is so peaceful and lovely and not messy. I might not even turn on the TV. That’s right! What a rebel. Of course, I’m joking, and I would much rather be in a happy marriage and taking trips with my husband than have a clean hotel room. This is me looking on the bright side.
A bi-product of my new, single status has been that my adult children have somehow made more time to travel with me. I have no doubt that they don’t like to see me traveling alone all the time and I could just kiss them all over for that.
And, somehow I have passed the planning baton off to them and they have picked it up without missing a beat. They are all excellent at finding activities, restaurants, things of interest, transportation. I get to just go along for the ride and I always pay so they will keep coming back for more! I just returned from an extended trip with my daughter, and I loved every minute of it. She made all the plans, and I was her happy passenger. She looked at the map, and I followed her lead. It’s was the best.
Because my adult children live in Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles, getting everyone together at one time is nearly impossible, but when we do travel together, I get to experience them as they are as adults, together. I am intrigued by their interactions with each other, and with me, as they are now, rather than as they were when they lived at home. Taking trips together creates a level playing field where their old roles vanish and we all get to know each other in a different way. I can’t say enough good things about it.
Read MoreI like to try new things. I always have. Especially if it is something that I am not good at. I was afraid of motorcycles so I took the classes. Why they passed me I will never know. When I went to buy a motorcycle I knew there was no way that I could drive it home. I had to have it delivered. They told me I was not the first person to do that, thank heavens. I bought all the motorcycle clothes and my fancy helmet and drove it maybe 20 miles over 2 years and donated it to Goodwill. I was still scared of it. I guess I thought my husband would get interested in it and join me. I saw us on long drives in the Hocking Hills on a beautiful Sunday. He saw me doing that while he did anything else. Lesson learned.
I had never had one accounting class and I felt that I was lacking because of it. I took accounting, online. About chapter 3 I figured out why I hadn’t studied accounting. I hated it. When I looked at the pages in the book my eyes crossed. I kept trying to get interested and I just couldn’t do it. I am all about girls in math and science, but sadly, no matter how cool I think it is, I am not one of them. Lesson learned.
So when it became clear that my husband found women who were nothing like me more attractive, I decided to be someone else. I decided that I could own restaurants. Well, I could, that was true, but I hated every day of it and I was terrible at it. In my mind I saw it going so differently and I thought it might bring us closer together. I thought he might become more interested in me. I thought we might be able to solve problems together, go over ideas together. You know, like a real husband and wife. I could not have been more wrong. Lesson learned.
I can name a hundred other times when I wanted to be good at something and was sure that I could do it, only to find that I couldn’t make myself good at it. I could not force myself to learn it or practice it or use it. I don’t think that I am not smart enough, or coordinated enough or that I don’t have a strong skill set. I am just better at some things than I am at others, and as I start my life over, I don’t think I have to change that. When I was married I was trying to be everything that I wasn’t, because clearly, I wasn’t enough. So I tried to be everything and was so miserable.
Now, I know my lane. That doesn’t mean I always have to stay in my lane, but I am becoming crystal clear on what I am good at, what I am interested in and what I like to spend my time doing. I used to say yes to everything. I was on committees that I dreaded. I was in organizations that were not of any interest, just to be in them. I did things socially that I really didn’t enjoy. Now I am done with all of that. Done done done. No more. Every day isn’t a picnic, but I know my lane. I know who I am. And, lots of things that I like to do are nerdy, but that’s me.
Get to know who you are. Get to know your lane. Again, it doesn’t mean you can’t try new things, but it does mean that you will be more mindful when you do. And, you will be more content and more at peace.
Read MoreI hear the word “tribe” a lot lately. It is a buzz word of sorts. Just as “team” is to the professional life, “tribe” is to the personal life. I heard someone say that the five people who are closest to you say everything about who you are. That got me thinking about who those people are, and while I don’t know if the number five has any significance in my life, contemplating the important people in my life has me beaming with pride. I look at that group of people and there is not one I would trade in for a new model. From my children to my family members to my core group of friends and beyond, my tribe is awesome. I am actually a little embarrassed even to consider my tribe because every member is so strong. I don’t really feel like I deserve the tribe I have. But I am glad I have them.
My children, well, need I say more? They are the most important members of my tribe. What I see in my children is the best of what my husband and I had to offer, without the bad stuff. How did that happen? Or they may be great kids in spite of us! But they have surrounded themselves with quality people too so I feel comfortable with their tribes, as they are an extension of my own.
When I left my home and my husband in my home, I got a little bit of a do-over. It wasn’t conscious, but I had the chance to curate my own tribe to include those people who I enjoy, who support me and I them, who are interesting, and who are full of the things that were lacking in my marriage: transparency, integrity, communication, and trustworthiness. Those are my personal pillars (My tribe has a four-pillared tent for my visual).
So for me, the people in my tribe aren’t a representation of me, they are a representation of who I aspire to be. They each have traits that I want to have or wish I had and elevate me and make me better. When I think about what my future looks like I know now that I can only add someone to my tribe who is of that caliber. Someone who enhances my life and the lives of the people in my tribe.
No one needs to take my advice, that’s for sure, but take a look at your tribe and if there is anyone who brings you down, who brings down the level of integrity of your tribe, it might be time to rethink that relationship. I didn’t know how to do that when I was married, but I do now. Because when someone brings you down, whatever the reason, it weighs on you and it shows. I know it showed on me for years. The integrity of your tribe will always suffer as long as you have people in your life who bring you down or just don’t match up to what you want your tribe to look like. Change that picture in your mind then change your life.
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