My husband pulled his car out of the driveway and took off for work, and I picked up a truck, loaded it and was moved out before he got home that same day. By about 8 p.m. I was living in a one-room loft with my dog and was no longer living under the same roof with the man I had married nearly 30 years prior. My stomach was in knots. A few friends and my children knew that I was leaving that day and some came down to help me get things set up a little. I was scared to death, but I knew it was the only thing left to do in a bad marriage that I had lived with for three decades. Now, it is two years later.
Other than my children, I could think of nothing good about that marriage. Sad but true. And now my hair had fallen out, I was a wreck and I looked like I was 100 years old because the only way I could sleep was to have too many cocktails. My life was a nightmare in 2015. I lived in hell and it was time: I was starting over.
I love my life now, but that didn’t happen overnight and being single after sixty is no day at the beach. Every day I cried for about a year and a half, not because I missed my husband, but because I missed a marriage that never was: a happy, healthy partnership. My fierce dedication to keeping my children’s family in one piece was, at best, misguided: the family was in one piece but was nothing like what a well-functioning family should be. I liken it to a piece of paper that has been torn up and taped back together. It is not exactly whole.
Do not think for a minute that I am saying that this hasn’t been the hardest thing I have ever done. It has. My friends are married couples mostly and they have been so good to me and have kept me busy, but that is not the same as going home with your partner and having someone to talk with at the end of the day. Much of my weekend I spend alone. It’s OK, but I have weekends when I have no plans until Monday. When I was married I called that the best weekend ever, now it can be a little isolating.
Life is Different Two Years Later
My adult children had one family before, now they have two and one of them does not include me. My husband would not move from our marital home so I had to move to a small apartment. It crushed me to think of leaving my home in order to leave my husband, but it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, so thank you, husband. I could have been sitting in a big old house on a big old country club golf course (not a golfer) watching big old men playing golf, and maintaining my big new pool (OK, the pool is the one thing I miss at that house). We had people who maintained the yard, the trees, the snow removal, the pool, the irrigation system, the plumbing, the fireplaces. You get the picture. And that would have been on me. Now, my idea of home maintenance is running the dishwasher!
Moving Forward
Fast forward to 2017 and what my life looks like today. I am at ease and confident and happy. I smile all the time. Personally, I know that I look better than I have for at least 15 years. I have a little more hair now and I am not shaking all the time, so that’s a plus. I had added the weight of the marriage to my body: I ate my way through my married life. Guess I need to work on that now that all else has fallen into place. Everything I own is in one room. I had to leave a lot behind: lots of family photos and furniture and lots of memories. So now I just have to make new memories. Happy memories. Memories that don’t include my husband. New memories for me and my children.
So, Cheers to Me! I am so excited to see what the future holds for me.
Read More
Ask yourself these questions:
Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your instincts? Do you listen to what your mind and your heart are telling you or, do you argue with that little voice in your head? Or even tell that voice to shut-up?
When I was a young woman I had good instincts and made good decisions. I think I knew myself well. But, that changed.
For the past three decades or more I stopped listening to myself. I stopped listening because I knew that little voice was right about my marriage, my husband, my career moves, about everything. Throughout my married life, I had to shut down my instincts because listening to them meant breaking up my children’s family (I guess that came from the motherly instinct to hold the family together). I can sit here and name a hundred times when I had to convince myself about one story while I knew the truth was another. Consequently, so many of my decisions were poor at best and disastrous on the bottom end. My personality was different. Some of the people I spent time with would not be a match today. I had no self-confidence, although no one who knew me would have believed that. And, I didn’t like myself for many of the last thirty years, not because I thought I was bad, just not me. In short, I was not myself because I wasn’t listening to my heart and my mind and following that path.
I need to put a disclaimer here for my children: every second that I spent with them and on them was my only real joy. That was real, that was authentic, that was the place where I listened to my instincts. They were and are my North Star.
Today, I am the happiest that I think I have been in a long time. Of course, I am disappointed that I am soon to be divorced, but I can only use that as a springboard for the new life I want to lead. Since the day I knew that my marriage was finally over, I have been listening to the voice in my head and the decisions I have made have all been the right ones. Everything just fell into place once I got myself back. My hair even started growing back (yes, I had lost a lot of hair and I didn’t start with much). I now listen to my heart and my head and they haven’t steered me wrong yet.
Read MoreI am pretty much OK with the way I look. Of course, I could always look better, and I wish I weighed less, but what else is new? There are things, however, that no one tells you about aging and what it does to the body. Just as no woman tells you what it will feel like to push a human out of your vagina, no woman goes to the dark side to let you know the horror of what lies ahead when you look into the mirror during the last 30 or so years of your life. Well, get ready, because it is not pretty. Take notes if you dare.
The Arms Race
I work out pretty regularly so I feel like I should see at least a little muscle in my arms. But, no matter how hard I work or how much I lift, when I raise my arms, let’s say to dance, there is a force so powerful that it begins a ripple at the shoulders and continues down to my elbows. It is unstoppable. It isn’t just skin: it is skin then kind of a buffer layer, then what I can only refer to as blubber. You could power a lantern for a week with my upper arm “material”. I don’t remember when it happened. I believe that if I had my arms liposuctioned they would look similar to my dog from behind after being neutered. Need I say more?
Under my arms, my armpits actually, I have developed what I lovingly refer to as gobblers. They resemble the thing that hangs off of a turkey’s beak. I spoke to a plastic surgeon about them a couple of years ago, and he lovingly referred to them as pit-tits. What girl doesn’t want to hear that whispered in her ear? Could anything sound more lovely? More charming? He said that it was just breast tissue. Breast tissue? I honestly don’t need more thank you. I don’t need backup breast tissue. They aren’t quite big enough to tuck into my bra. I might be able to tape them down like a Kardashian getting into a low cut gown. The combination of my pit-tits and my swinging upper arms is why I do not wear sleeveless tops unless I am trying to frighten someone, for example, to keep the middle seat clear in my row on a flight.
De-Feet
The final piece to this Little Body of Horrors has to do with my feet. I don’t know about you but, I remember seeing my Grannie’s feet when I was young. The thick, discolored nails and dry skin were rough and scratchy. She had to go to the doctor to have her nails cut because they had thickened up with age. Let me repeat that; she had to go to the doctor to have her toenails clipped. And my Mom had worn high heels for so long that she had to go to the doctor just to have the calluses shaved off the bottom of the balls of her feet. Again, medical intervention for foot maintenance. So let’s talk about mine. My feet are so dry sometimes that they catch when I drag them across the sheets on my bed at night. The skin is sharp, even though I get regular pedicures. The woman who gives me those pedicures can barely cut my toenails because they are so hard and thick. I don’t know what color they are because I refuse to look down until there is polish on them again and the earth returns to its axis. When I leave, they are all shiny and moist, and in just a few hours they are back to their old gross, sharp selves.
So, is there any good news? Is there any way to be happy when the body rebels? Absolutely. Just be happy. Do what you can or what you want with your looks then forget them. You are not going to look thirty again, ever. Think about what your life looked like in your thirties: most likely it was full of babies and toddlers and laundry and cooking and cleaning and just plain working non-stop everyday. It is exhausting to think about, right? Well, we deserved to look good then. And now, we deserve to have fun. To live a life that is enjoyable and full, and to be at peace with our looks.
Read More
I was attending a conference for bloggers last month and a woman, who was closer to my age than most of the attendees, sat down next to me and we started to chat. She told me that she was from Canada and had developed a product that stops women’s’ breasts from bouncing when working out, especially running. I am a D cup, reduced from a DD cup so I was all ears. I do run a little and while I always thought that my super-duper sports bra kept me in check, I recently passed by a store window and got a glimpse of my moving reflection and it was just not the case. She said she would love to send me one and began looking in her big bag for a measuring tape. I told her my chest is 43″. “How do you know that,” she asked me. I explained that I am a knitter and we know these things. She offered to send me an extra-large Buband right away. I was skeptical.
About a month later I received my Buband and was ready to try it out. It came in an envelope with no instructions. I was putting it up under my boobs, then straight across my boobs and thought it was another useless accessory. I then went online and took a look at the video on their website and realized that I was trying to use it “upside down.” If you are interested, watch the video by going to the link below and all your questions will be answered. The Buband goes above the breasts, not below. It doesn’t hold them up, it forces them down, actually restricting movement. I did a lot of jumping around and running in place in my bathroom without my Buband creating a visual in my mind to compare (not a pretty visual, but a visual nonetheless), then did the same thing with it on. There was a huge difference, night and day actually. I went for a run and I am sold. The Buband does what it promises, it holds the breasts in place for running and other sports. It is a game changer for those of us who have had to wear more than one sports-bra at a time, or even bind our breasts to prevent painful and embarrassing bouncing.
The price is just under $40. Hooray for Buband!
https://buband.com/pages/how-it-works
Disclosure: Starting Over at Sixty received compensation, in the form of product, from the company whose product we reviewed. We test each product thoroughly and give high marks to only the very best. We are independently owned and the opinions expressed here are our own.
Read More
If you follow Starting Over at Sixty you know that I write a lot about being purposeful in planning your life. It really doesn’t matter how old you are, but as I age I am aware of having a limited time on this earth. No gloom and doom, just fact. In my head, I have 30 more good years (fingers crossed, even more, and I hope not less). When I was young I had an infinite amount of life ahead, and maybe that’s the way it should be for young moms working in and outside the home. It was too hard to think of anything more than the day ahead. Now, all I have to do is look in the mirror to be faced with the truth. So, I am trying to be much more deliberate about what I want my life to look like and how I want to spend my time. I feel an inner urgency that I never felt when I was younger. And, coming from an unhappy marriage to a very sad divorce, I am ready for lots of fun. In fact, Fun is my middle name! It is time for me to write my own life script.
Visualize the Life You Want
My first step has been to visualize what I want my life to resemble. I don’t want to always be running from one place to the next and from one task to the next. But, I do want to be busy and active and vital. That means building a lifestyle that allows me to be just that. For me, intentionally including more workouts in my week is important: they make me feel better and give me more energy. I schedule workout classes and sessions with my trainer and give them the same importance I would any other appointment. If I do it during the day, then I get showered and changed and back to my routine afterward. If I can’t get it in during the day after work is fine. I used to give myself a “treat” by not exercising during the weekend: no more. At least one of the days I get a workout in and feel better for it.
Know Yourself
From my 30+ year marriage, I know this: you can never find true north when you are living a life that is contrary to everything you know to be right. And it only took me 30 years?! I know myself and always did, but now I listen to that voice inside instead of trying to change it. I follow my heart as much as I always did but now I try to be smarter about it. I am much more in tune with my inner compass. I know who I am and I listen to my inner conversation rather than trying to change it, which allows me to live a happier life.
My Script
If I were to write a script for myself for a normal week it would look like this:
I write posts each week and work on StartingOveratSixty.com, working on the social media, submitting posts for other sites like Huffington Post and Sixty & Me and corresponding with followers accordingly. I also write content for a web design firm as an intern and help with some client acquisition. I work out about an hour most days. I usually have lunch and/or dinner with friends. I take my dog to the dog park about once a week. I see a movie and do a little shopping. I like to read and I like to knit while binge-watching something trashy. I sing in a citywide choir that allows me to also sing with women in the state prison. I love that and it fills my heart.
Now, if I write a script for the year I will also include:
My children live across the country so I like to visit them whenever I can. Writing for Starting Over at Sixty allows me to do that from anywhere and that was purposeful. It is important to me to travel with my children at least once a year so we can all be together on an adventure, whether it is in the U.S. or International. So, if I were traveling for a total of three months every year that would be about perfect. I don’t like to go longer than three months without seeing any one of them.
Finally, in order to be here for more than 30 years, I have to clean up my diet. that is the part of the script where the sad music comes in. Nothing more to say about that.
Now, Add the Surprise Ending
I have in my head some additions to the script that would be more than the cherry on top, they would be the edible gold leaf! I will keep those to myself for now, but if any of them were to come true, I would post a boomerang of me tap dancing! One might include me being on Jimmy Fallon, promoting my appearance on SNL with my husband, Dwayne Johnson. Edible Gold Leaf!
I would love to hear from you on what your script looks like. Do you want to make changes to it? do you want to re-write it? The most important thing is that you have a script that you get excited about today and every day so you can have your own happy ending. Stay away from mine!
Read MoreFive years ago, if you had asked me what my life was going to look like in ten or fifteen years I would have said that it would be full of family, of travel with my husband, of grandchildren and maybe of a vacation home so we could all be together more often. I looked forward to a life that was full of love and family. I still look forward to that life, but as I start my life over in my sixties, while I still want all of that, the picture is much different. And, I realize that in order for me to live a happy healthy life on my own, I have to change the focus.
I think and write about focus often. When I was a wife and mother and employee and volunteer, focus was the last thing on my mind. That kind of buckshot way of managing my life did not serve me well then and does not serve me well now. I can now focus on the goals that will make me happy, and more content with my life on my own. Here is what I do to stay focused. If you like it, use it. If you like it, but it doesn’t suit your life, make the changes that will this system to work for you. I call this my Five Fingers of Focus (that is the only way I can remember it!).
The Five Fingers of Focus (a time management tool for women starting over)
Mind (Learning)
I want to learn something new every week, I really do. That’s the goal and it can be anything, but it has to be a conscious decision. Right now I am reading a book on organization. Next, I want to learn something IT related so I plan to use Lynda (an online learning site) and find a course that interests me. While it may sound like kind of a loose goal, it isn’t. It’s very intentional. It makes me feel good when I complete something and I am able to use some of the knowledge. We all feel pride when we “master” something new.
Body (Exercise, Food, Health)
This is a never ending saga for me. Here is the difference in my new approach: I am intentional about my body and I think it is showing. I am not crash dieting or binge eating (OK, that is a lie). I am just being more mindful about my health and I have no size or number goals. My trainer today used the word consistent and I think he is exactly right. When I was younger and in the tornado of everyday life in a bad marriage, I had no consistency: I was grasping at anything that I thought would make me happy, eating nothing then eating everything then washing it down with a cocktail. I am crossing my fingers that my new found consistency continues, but if I fall off here and there, so be it. I am getting right back on the consistency train.
Main Project (Or Work)
This sounds like fluff doesn’t it? Let’s say Starting Over at Sixty is my project right now. I am fully focused on it and learning how I can make it better (feel free to chime in). That means I have joined more than one organization that is related to this new world. It means I am learning how to increase my readers and better my writing. And, it means getting help in the areas in which I know nothing. Focusing on this project also incorporates the learning piece of the fingers.
Creative (Hobbies)
Here are the things I like to do: read, knit, sew, watch TV, sing, go to movies, crochet, ride my bike, go to comedy shows, travel, needlepoint, go to concerts. I am not the only one who has a million interests, I know. But, I have tried to focus on a few at a time so I don’t have piles everywhere around me of yarn or fabric or five books with bookmarks at the end of the first chapter, never to see the light of day again. For instance, right now, because my children all have friends in their later twenties and early thirties having babies at an alarming rate, I am a baby hat knitting machine! I took some time off knitting though, to make some pillows for my son and daughter-in-law’s condo, and now I am back on hat duty. It ‘s so rewarding for me to make something for my children or their friends, but I have to keep the amount that I can do under control or it will end up being a nightmare rather than a joy. So what has changed for me is that I am very deliberate about what I am working on. If not, I have too many unfinished projects around me and that, in itself, weighs me down.
Philanthropy (Volunteer)
How many times have you said yes to too many requests and found yourself miserable because you were doing tasks or attending meetings and your heart just wasn’t in it? I used to do it all the time. I was married to a man who seemed to like me better when he thought I was popular (I kid you not). So I said yes to the opening of a garage door if I was invited! Not anymore. I have two organizations to which I give my time: one is a citywide choir (Harmony Project that you see in the photo) that allows me to work with a choir in a women’s prison facility and one is a group that helps older adults age in place and remain in their homes and neighborhoods. Those are where my time and energy goes. I do change up my financial support but those two charities are at the top of the list.
So, here is the take away from the Five Fingers approach that I use: it covers the most important areas of life so you can make room for the fun, without sacrificing fulfillment, contentment and happiness. That’s it. You will be amazed at how much you accomplish and how much time you have for other activities. Easy, Peasy.
Read More
Search through my blog posts