Women are the great re-inventors, it’s true. If there is one quality that sets women apart from men and is one of the keys to remaining happy over a lifetime, it is the ability to re-invent oneself. Certainly, I can name famous women, most of them having one name like Cher, Madonna, Gaga, who have all had several incarnations. Look at Joan Rivers, who started out in stand-up, ended up on a fashion television show and in between ran a jewelry empire. Or how about Martha Stewart who built an empire, was sentenced to prison time then emerged strong after serving that time. The point is that women seem to have the ability to pick themselves up after defeat, assess the damage and then pivot and start over in a new direction.
I have a theory that women are so good at re-invention because their lives biologically are set up that way. Through youth, then motherhood or the reproductive years, followed by menopause, it is biology at its most basic level. We go through so many changes internally that making necessary changes to our lives is already in our DNA.
Think about how many versions of you there have been. Speaking for myself, I was a single woman, then a wife, then a mother, then a single woman again and soon will be a grandmother: all very different stages in life with different expectations. While men’s roles are very clearly defined over the course of their lives, women change roles almost daily. So, is it any wonder that women seem to be more able to handle, and better prepared to deal with, life when it throws them curve balls? Is it a surprise that women seem to thrive on change while men simply do not? No, it is not.
Looking back over my adult life, I was a single woman working in advertising when I met my future husband and no sooner did the minister say, “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” I was pregnant. I was having a difficult time finding childcare and wasn’t madly in love with my job, so I stayed at home with that baby and the one who followed. Now I was an at-home mother working as hard at being good in that role as I had at selling advertising time. When I look back at that young woman I wonder what made her feel like she had to be great at everything? It might be that my husband didn’t value my expertise at home as much as he valued my expertise earning a paycheck, but, that is how it was. I went back to work a couple of years later and was now a mother of two baby boys and a daughter on the way, working fulltime outside the home and full time inside the home. Not uncommon. Not complaining, just the truth. When my daughter came along I hung up my working outside the home shoes more permanently and dived into the world of at-home motherhood. Lots of trials along the way and a not so happy marriage lead me to where I am today (there is a lot of stuff in-between but this isn’t a book. Kids grew up and moved on, my marriage finally crumbled, etc.).
Here I am and now I get to start over: I have the chance to wipe the slate clean and really be purposeful with the direction I take. It is already happening in small doses: I live downtown in a one-room loft while my husband insisted on keeping the big house on a country club golf course (this appears to be a win for each of us, illustrating our differences). I love it!
So, back to Madonna and Cher: neither one of them was an actress until their respective singing careers lead them down that path, and the same can be said for Lady Gaga. And, how many hats did Joan Rivers wear over the course of her life? How many hats have you worn? Here is an exercise for you: write down the roles you have played over the course of your life. How many careers, responsibilities and supervisory positions have you been involved in along the way? Can you start over at sixty or beyond? Absolutely, without question. And, you can excel through those changes: you can make your life better.
Not all change is positive and not all change is fun, but change is inevitable, and if you don’t learn to roll with it you will not be able to age happily, that’s just the truth. We must adapt if we want to be happy in our sixties, seventies and beyond. Re-invent, re-prioritize and re-locate if you want to, and learn how much you still have to give to this world. And never stop moving forward.
Read MoreMy son Ryan told me about moviepass and I joined immediately. If you are a big movie goer (and I am and so is he) then this tip is worth its weight in gold. You go to moviepass.com to subscribe for just $9.95/month. My friend Don happened to subscribe when they were having a deal of just $6.95/month but I don’t know how often that happens. You are required to pay for the year when you become a member. That’s it. Just wait for your card to arrive. When you want to go to a movie, go to the moviepass app and look up the movie and theater and times available. When you are walking up to the ticket counter just check in with your moviepass app and hand the ticket seller your card and you are all set. It looks like any other credit card. You are handed a ticket.
The card allows me to see movies that I might otherwise pass up because of the high price of tickets. Or if I really like a certain film I can see it again. You are only allowed one movie per day as if anyone would want to see more than one a day. This is not a commercial or an endorsement and I wasn’t paid to write about this. I just love the product.
You can see more weekly tips on Starting Over at Sixty in the months ahead, so if you have a good one to share please send it to paula@startingoveratsixty.com. It can be about anything: recipes for one, style, entertainment, decorating a smaller space, savings. I just want to hear from you and want to share good ideas with my girlfriends here at Starting Over at Sixty. We are all better and stronger together. Can’t wait to hear from you.
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When I was at the Style Collective first Annual Conference in Raleigh I was surrounded by young women who were all “in the know.” The best tip I got: use Starbucks napkins to blot your face when it’s feeling like an oil slick. So I tried it and guess what? It works. And the cost is right up my alley. Thank you Starbucks!
Read MoreWhen I left home about three years ago it was important to me that my little one-room loft apartment feel like home to my adult children. I knew that while their father still lived in our marital home it would not have the same homey feel: I took that with me. Fast forward three years and I am now ready to move on to a real condo with actual bedrooms! Yippee! And since the condo is much bigger than my current postage stamp of an apartment, I do get to buy a couple of new pieces of furniture. One piece will be a crib for my crib: my son and daughter-in-law are having a baby boy in October so the timing of my move couldn’t be more perfect. I will have plenty of room for my new little lovey.
I am looking forward to changing up my style a little as well. Since I am the only one who will be living there, I can do whatever I want (one of the perks of living alone). I saw this pink sofa at the Women in Digital Headquarters outside Columbus and fell in love. So I tracked it down and I can’t wait to order it for my new fancy living room. I have never really had a space where the only person who mattered was me, and I am having a blast just thinking about coming home and sitting down on my girlie pink sofa. I might even get some maribou high heeled mules and drink champagne around the house because that is how I roll.
The pink sofa is from Ikea, so it is affordable for this girl on a budget. I ordered a rug to go with it so there is no turning back now. I couldn’t be more excited and I will keep you posted every step of the way.
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If you are starting over and feeling lonely, just remember that you can make new friends at any age. If you think that sounds like work, it is. But, it’s necessary and worthwhile. One thing I realized when I was starting over was that as much as I loved my friends, most of them were married. I was married. We were all married together. And as much as I love them and they are still a huge part of my life, they had a life at home. I did not. We went out together (I am a lucky girl. Most of my friends seem to not mind having me tag along.) and then they went home together and had a family life. My life is not like that anymore.
It wasn’t very long until I figured out that I had to attack this loneliness head-on. Sitting at home crying myself to sleep had to stop. No one was going to find me in my apartment: that’s like sitting in a movie theater waiting to be discovered! So, I found some ways to get to know new people, people who were not part of my past. They know me as I am now. If you need help with loneliness try these tips.
Volunteer
Whether it is faith-based or through your community or is directed where you work, get yourself into some volunteer activity. Not only are you doing something good-hearted, which makes you feel better automatically, you make friends with the people on either side of you. You are working together. You already have something in common, you like to help others. If it is a recurring activity, you will naturally bond with your fellow volunteers and coffee or a glass of wine can’t be far behind. Everyone has a passion for something philanthropic, so get engaged in it and see what happens. You will reap such benefits: you will feel good about what you have accomplished, you will meet new friends, you will fill some time if you are feeling like you have too much isolated time in your new life, and you will let a few more people in the world know that you are single and looking for other opportunities to meet new friends. And, best of all, you spend some time not thinking about yourself, which is an unavoidable byproduct of the turmoil in your life. Bingo!
Take a Class
Want to learn something new? Then, learn it! For me, it’s knitting. I like to knit. I like to take knitting classes. When I take a class I am usually with women around my age so those are new friends. We talk while we knit, so we get to know each other. If we enjoy each other’s company we might get a cup of tea afterward. You may be thinking that you would like to meet some men as well. Take a class that offers you that opportunity. Any class, or training, allows you to improve yourself and make some new acquaintances, male or female, at the same time. You can even plan to take another class together, to keep the friendship going.
I love spending time with young people. And, taking a class at a local university or community college allows you to do that, again, while bettering yourself. I am a lifelong Spanish class taker: I have taken so many Spanish classes without seeming to learn a word of Spanish, but I keep trying and I have met some lovely young people in the process.
Become a Regular
OK, I’m sure that this will not sit well with some of you but just keep reading and I think you will stop judging me! When I left my big fancy home and moved to a one-room loft space downtown I had some bleak evenings. I could walk into my place at 5:00 and not talk to another soul until the next day. Once I walked Red, my cute dog, we were done for the night. Horrible. So, I walked myself down to one of the restaurants on my block and sat down at the bar. I introduced my self to the bartender, Tony, who was the Thursday night bartender. I told him I was new to the neighborhood and that was all I had to do. He introduced me to a couple of guys who were super connected around my area and they helped me know about the neighborhood organization that meets monthly. I ran into a couple who I had known in my previous life and they invited me to a party. Needless to say, I went to that restaurant every Thursday night and still do. I did the same thing at another place near me and had the same results. And, it can be a neighborhood coffee shop: it doesn’t have to be a bar. Just a place where you can walk in and introduce yourself and let people know that you are there and want to be social. Is it hard to walk into a bar and sit down by yourself? Absolutely. But without having done that, I would still be sitting in my apartment watching Wheel with Red.
Meetups
If you don’t know about meetups, here you go https://www.meetup.com. There is a meetup in every city around the world about any topic that you can imagine. They are held at restaurants and coffee shops and are groups of people who have similar interests. It is exactly what it sounds like, you meet up and discuss the topic of choice. So, there is a knitting meetup. There is a Spanish meetup that I want to attend but am too afraid since I have learned virtually no Spanish! There is a running meetup. There is a social media meetup. There is a French meetup. There is a wine enthusiast’s meetup. There is a parenting meetup. You name it, there is a meetup for it.
Please don’t think that I am being flip about loneliness. I did all of these things and I was still lonely after my marriage broke up. Years lonely. Still sometimes lonely. But, you must be proactive and you must do the work that it takes to get yourself back on your feet. Try just one of these tips and you will be amazed at how you will feel. And, if you have some tried and true methods of beating loneliness, please let me know in the comments. If you know someone who might benefit from these tips, please share with her.
Read MoreThis stuff is the bomb! Dove sent me this jar of their new DermaSeries Dry Skin Relief and I didn’t think much about it. Then I put it on and wow! My legs looked like they were sixty again. HaHa! I thought it would be too heavy but it feels like a whipped Petroleum Jelly (sorry but that is my best way to describe it). It is so soft and not greasy feeling. I am hooked.
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