A very close friend of mine became ill a few months ago. While he will survive the illness, his recovery is slow and I miss my great friend so much. His illness brought to my attention the fact that this man has been my rock for a couple of years. That rock is missing from my life right now and I am heartbroken about it.
As I was thinking about the effect that Don has had on my life, I came to the realization that no man has ever been my rock. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true: not my husband or my father or any other man in my life. I have had no male significant others for support.
As a matter of fact, if I am using the word rock to describe my friend Don and our friendship, I can use the word quicksand to describe pretty much all of my male role models. With the exception of a few, I have spent my life with quicksand.
I love love loved my father, but he faced his own demons and wasn’t a pillar of strength for me. Sadly, I would guess that my daughter might feel the same way about her father, however, I don’t want to put words into her mouth. I can only project my own feelings there. I had no siblings, so no brothers to look up to.
And, now that I have had a rock in my life, I don’t think I can ever go back to the quicksand that I settled for in earlier years. I need that strength around me. I need that settled feeling around me, that comfortable, soft-place-to-land feeling that comes with a man or woman who is a rock.
If I try hard enough I can actually envision sitting on a rock, resting, regrouping. And, quicksand? I am just dancing. Always dancing trying to stay just above the surface, and constantly floundering.
If you can picture yourself in each of these situations, you know what I’m talking about. And you can feel what I am feeling. Never, ever, ever allow yourself to be sucked in by that quicksand. Go with a rock every time.
Do you have a quicksand story? Or a rock story? I would love to hear from you.
Read MoreA few years ago, I felt that I had nothing to be proud of. My marriage had been a nightmare for years. I had made a business decision that was catastrophic. I made some decisions about friendships that, while I know I made the best call for myself, had caused me pain. I was trying so hard to hold everything together that when it all did fall apart I was a huge failure. A loser!
Then, I was alone. I had the support of all of my loved ones, but I was all alone. All alone, crying myself to sleep. Can you relate?
Now, everything has changed. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few years. But, for the first time in many years (the time with my children excluded, of course) I am happy. Happy and healthy and hopeful. Hopeful for my future. Hopeful that I will remain happy and healthy. And, happy with myself.
So, this is what pride feels like. I am proud of who I am again (I was not proud of myself when I was married because I wasn’t my true self). I feel proud of how I have handled myself in a contentious divorce. I am proud of the woman that my children see now. I love my new condo and lifestyle. Honestly, I am a proud woman.
If you aren’t feeling pride in yourself, ask yourself why. What would it take to be proud of yourself? What would make you proud of yourself? Can you make the changes necessary to change? You know how much I preach about embracing change, but if you can embrace it, too, just think of how far you can go. The only person stopping you from being a proud woman is you.
Let me say this to you, if you feel that you have done things that you are not proud of, join the club. The best thing you can do is to mend your ways, whatever that looks like to you and move forward on a better path. You know you can do it.
Read MoreLast night I got home from book club, walked the dog, put my jammies on and hopped in bed to read a little and watch some housewives yell at each other! Regular night: quiet, enjoyable, alone. The way my bedtimes have been for nearly four years since I left my husband.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I cried every night for about the first year. I just couldn’t believe that my life was taking this twist, although looking back, there had never been any other way for it to end. It was, of course, destined to come to an end.
I have become more and more accustomed to my life as a single woman over sixty. It was a slow process, but I slowly had fewer nights in tears and began to have some positive moments. Bedtime, however, was always the dreaded misery hour: when I was faced with thinking about where I was in my life, missing my family, missing being a married mother of three, missing the life that I had planned for myself and my children. Every night I prayed the same prayer, to anyone who was listening, “Please take this man off my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.”
Fast forward to the present and my prayers were answered. It took a long time for me to know that I could do it, I could be single and over sixty. And, it took even longer for me to get to the point where I knew my life would be better. I just couldn’t see it for so long.
So, here is my new normal. I am happy and healthy. My life is probably the best it has been, ever, with the exception of every minute spent with my children. And, they now know me as the woman I was meant to be, a happy woman, a woman they had never known before.
What does your new normal look like? Are you happy with it or does it need some tweaking? Make it a life you can be proud of!
Read MoreIf you had asked me ten years ago if I needed any more friends, I would have said no. I had all the friends in the world. I loved and love my friends. But, when I went from being married to single things changed. I didn’t lose friends, I was lucky that way. But I moved from the suburbs to a downtown loft apartment. Things were different now. And while I was the luckiest girl in the world to keep most of my old friends, I realized that I needed to add single friends, men and women, to the mix if I wanted to have a pretty full social calendar. Because, no matter how much I love my married friends, there comes a time when they are doing couple and family stuff and I’m not. So I had to make new friends. Friends that I could call to join me for dinner or a movie or to go hear music.
If you, as a single woman, often feel lonely, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find new ways to make new friends. Here are some ideas for you to explore when you feel like you want to branch out for friendships:
Workout:
You know that you should have a workout spot, right? Well if you don’t have a gym or another place to workout, get one. For many reasons. I think that I have made friends in every gym I have ever joined. You spend a fair amount of time there. If you go at the same times you see most of the same people each week. You strike up conversations, you complain together, etc. Get a cup of coffee sometime or meet for a cocktail. You don’t have to be besties but you will expand your circle of friends.
Meetups:
I am telling you if you haven’t tried a meetup or two you are going to love them. Meetups are groups of people who get together around their common theme. They are in every city and town across the country. I belong to a knitting/crocheting meetup that meets every couple of weeks. Sometimes we are at a restaurant (Yes, we knit in a restaurant. We go to places that have enough room for us and aren’t super busy on the night we are there and we eat and drink and tip!) Sometimes we meet at Joann Fabrics because our organizer works there. That’s fine with me because I usually buy yarn while I am there.
I also belong to a Cycling Meetup (haven’t tried it yet). I joined a French Speaking Meetup but was too afraid I wasn’t up for it. I belong to a Social Media Meetup (again, haven’t tried it yet just because of scheduling, but I will soon. I also joined a group of women 60+ that often meets for happy hour, etc.
Now here is my best tip ever: There was no Meetup for single women 50+ in my city. There were singles groups but they weren’t for me; they were either too young or pick-up groups, and I really just wanted to meet other women like me so I could expand my group of single women friends. I wanted to create a group for single women, not to find men, but to find each other: to find friends who will go to a movie or the museum or any event that might be of interest. We meet each month for Happy Hour at different restaurants around town. In addition, we have a private Facebook page where members can post events, movies, music, festivals, etc., that they would like to attend to see if anyone else has an interest. I have met some wonderful ladies through this group and I am so happy that I organized it. I have made some new friends and have invited a couple of friends as well.
You can go to Meetup.com for more information or to look up groups in your area that might be a good fit. I have no skin-in-the-game as far as Meetups go, but you really can find a group for almost any interest, or you can start one.
Bookclubs:
I can’t believe I lived most of my adult life without being in a bookclub. Some friends asked me to join theirs, and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t think I would. It keeps me reading, which I like. I got to know several women who I had known casually and I met new friends. And, my daughter is in a bookclub in New York, so talk about the books we are reading and what we liked and didn’t like. While most of the women in my bookclub are married, there is a bookclub for everyone. Again, if there isn’t one that feels right for you, start one. You can put the word out that you are forming a bookclub for single women in your area and I have no doubt that it will be full in no time.
All of these ideas are easy to create or join, and all give you the opportunity to meet new friends. I am telling you that creating friendships is the key to longterm happiness as a single woman over 50. You can’t have too many friends as you age as a single woman. Now, get out there!
Read MoreAs a single woman over sixty, I am keenly aware that it’s often tough to feel confident. After all, we live in a world that equates beauty and talent with youth. And, as we age, it’s easy to buy into that narrative. But I am here to tell you that believing in that way of thinking erodes our confidence and confidence it hot! Confidence is youthful! Confidence is sexy!
So here are five ways to improve that confident feeling.
- Smile: That’s it, just smile. Look happy. Look like you are enjoying your life. Look like you are important to the world. Look like you know a huge secret, not like you are exhausted. Let’s face it, as our faces age those lines can make us look a little cranky before our feet even hit the ground as we get out of bed, so unless you are consciously working on having a happy expression, you might look cross, and who wants to engage with that? A happy expression is the fountain of youth. And, if you don’t feel like smiling, smile anyway.
- Move with a purpose: Someone who is moving with purpose is going somewhere, right? That woman is part of the world and part of life and is important. That is a woman who has vitality. So, who would you rather spend time with, the woman who drags herself down the sidewalk or the woman who wants to get where she is going? Make your steps have a purpose.
- Wear what makes you feel good about yourself: This is a big one so let me ask you this: what makes you feel better, an outfit that you are tugging on all night or one that makes you feel like you look your best? This isn’t about weight, or how much you spend or what’s in style. This is about meeting yourself where ever you are and wearing clothing to match. If you need a bigger size, get it. If your heels are too high and you can’t walk in them, chuck them. You aren’t looking and feeling your best by wearing them.
- Have joy: Joy is the ultimate confidence builder. When you are feeling joyous, you are exuding confidence. Your joy is infectious. It makes others want to be around you. It makes you fun. Not feeling joy? Just fake it until you do.
- Stay relevant: Know what’s going on around you. Be interested. Be active. Confidence comes from being able to hold your own in any group situation.
You need to know that when you put these five pieces into action, you will attract attention. I guarantee it. People enjoy spending time with confident women because they are interesting and fun. They bring something to the table. And why wouldn’t you be confident? You have slain the dragons, you have lived and are still living a full life. You have done it all and now you continue to grow and evolve with confidence.
So, when you are smiling and joyous, when you are well informed and moving with a purpose, and when you look comfortable in your own skin, you will exude confidence. And, confidence is sexy!
Read MoreLast week I wrote about my conversation with some of my friends at a women’s prison where I volunteer. We were all laughing and chatting while we sat around a table crafting. It was very fun and it was very light-hearted. But, when I started to think about what their days are like, I realized how lucky I am to lead the life that I do. And, I want to transfer some of those lessons into my own life.
Have Patience
My girlfriends told me that they learned patience quickly in prison. But more than that, they said, “All we have is time.” Think about that. For most of us, we wish we could have more time, more time to do nothing. Not these ladies. They sit and wait a lot. They try to fill their time: some of them make good use of their time by getting their GEDs, taking college-level classes and getting job training. Still, time must feel like it is standing still when you’re marking off the days until you have the opportunity to change your life again, by leaving the prison system.
As women over 50, I bet not one of you feels like you have time to waste. I know I don’t. I feel like I have to make every minute count because my time on this earth isn’t infinite: it will come to an end sooner than I wish. So, I want to make each day count. We are all so lucky that we don’t have to watch the clock tick away at our existence. We have the freedom to call many of the shots in our lives and I do not want you to waste a moment.
Be Resourceful
These women have so few resources when it comes to their everyday life. But, there is no group of women who can make more out of very little than my friends in prison: flower bouquets out of tissue paper, costumes for the talent show out construction paper and staples, veggie burgers out of oats and ramen seasoning. You name it, they can probably make it.
None of us is that hungry for resources, I know that, but so many of us single women, 50+ have different finances than we thought we would have at this time in their lives, including me. And, since having this conversation with my girlfriends on the inside, I have been thinking about all the waste in my life and how I can do better and save some dough at the same time.
I decided to take one area of my life and “clean it up.” I want to be more in tune with frivolous spending. So, I have chosen beauty products: makeup, lotion, fancy soap. I spend way too much on those things and then they just sit in my bathroom drawer taking up space. For this summer, I am pledging to myself that I will use up what I have until it’s gone before adding one more mascara or hair volumizer. And, when I do buy some of these products, I will only purchase more than what I need if it’s on sale. Now, that’s what I call resourcefulness, don’t you?
Hoard the Good Stuff
Well, I have to confess that I still have ribbon in my closet that I bought in 2014 in Paris because it is so special to me. So, trust me, I am hoarding the good stuff! This is one area where I excel. Too much as a matter of fact. It makes me think of Seinfeld and Elaine referring to men as “sponge-worthy.” If you are like me and hoard too much of the good stuff, try just starting to use it a little at a time. Like, wear that lipstick that is retired and quit saving it for special occasions, and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about! It is possible that I am hoarding Bobbi Brown #49.
Needs vs. Wants
This is a big one, right? I have no doubt that we all refer to things as needs, when, in fact, they are not even close to a need. I certainly have to count myself in when talking about food that I need, like ice cream, vs. want. A cocktail that I need, vs. want. Pretty much anything I say that I need, for the most part, I want. So, my friends inside made me think of needs vs. wants differently. And, when I look at life that way, it actually becomes a more simple, peaceful existence.
I hope you will take away some lesson from my friends on the inside of prison walls and apply them to your own life. Their words will certainly make you feel more appreciative with what you have already in your life. You also might begin to spend money and time a little differently.
What changes are you making to your life now that you know a few of the lessons learned from my friends inside of prison walls?
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