Year: 2016
I am an only child, so I have always been used to being alone. And, I love being alone. In my single years, I rented apartments that I could afford on my own, I didn’t have roommates. I was super social and always out so when I came home it was all mine. I was never lonely. I loved reading and watching TV and knitting and was totally happy alone in my apartment. Then I got married.
It took a while for me to get used to living with another person, although he was my husband. And, he was a mess. I am not a neat freak but this was a whole new level. But, when we bought our first house our new normal set in and I got used to living with another person. We had enough room to get away from each other when we needed to and life settled in. Then came baby number one, and baby number two and baby number three. I didn’t have time to be alone or lonely. I just kept moving forward.
However, as the kids starting to grow and go to school and participate in after-school activities I noticed that I didn’t just have time alone, which I loved, I was lonely. I had plenty to do and I worked outside the home off and on during that time but I was so lonely. I tried to explain it to my husband but failed to make a connection there. He really didn’t care how I was feeling as long as it didn’t interfere with his life and livelihood. Over the next couple of decades, I felt lonely most of the time in my marriage. I loved the kids and our family and friends, but I was lonely. My husband knew it.
The Kids Grew Up
When the kids went off to college, I filled my days and evenings and weekends with lots of activities and work, but I was still lonely, and it wasn’t my imagination and it wasn’t the blues or hormonal changes, it was real loneliness. The writing was on the wall but I ignored it in order to keep the family together for as long a possible. I was the only one in the marriage.
I moved out and was living alone again for the first time in 30 years. I vacillated between the highest highs and the lowest lows on a daily basis. Now I wasn’t just lonely, I was alone, too. And there were plenty of nights when I thought being in a bad marriage was better than being in no marriage at all. I was wrong. It took me a year to get to this point, but I am no longer lonely, I’m just alone and I love it.
I am back to reading and knitting and watching TV when I am not out with friends, and I am out with friends a lot. I have to work at it. I am often the one making plans and inviting friends to join me and sometimes they can. If not, I go alone. I’m a big girl, I can do that.
Time Alone
There are still times when I am feeling lonely, mostly when I have a weekend with nothing to do. I feel like everyone goes home to their loved ones and I just go home. And, I know that I haven’t seen the last of the loneliness monster. But, I find that I enjoy my time alone again. I feel a little bit like I used to when I was young: my place is my own little sanctuary.
Here is what I know…
- I know the difference between loneliness and being alone. They are very different and they feel very different. One brings sadness and the other feels more like contentment.
- Being alone is a temporary condition of geography: I’m just somewhere where there aren’t any other people at the moment. Being lonely is internal and isn’t a function of locale.
- Both are beneficial. I know I’m not happy when I am lonely and I have to find a way to change my circumstances. When I am alone, I have time to reflect, time to plan and time to grow. It is when I dream, make lists and plan travel. I am happy when I’m alone.
- If it is painful, it’s loneliness…if it’s just quiet, it’s alone time.
- I can go to the movie when I am alone and eat as much popcorn and M&Ms as I want and laugh as loud as I want. If I am lonely…well…who am I kidding, popcorn and M&Ms make that better, too.
I have done everything I can to embrace this new life of mine, starting over at sixty. I try to be in forward motion as much as I can. Husband won’t leave the house…move. Don’t have a lot of single friends…make some new friends. Nothing to do this weekend…go visit a friend. That’s just how I have propelled myself forward, trying to will myself into happiness and hoping for no setbacks, no bumps in the road.
But, no matter how much I try to move forward with blinders on, not letting anything deter me from being happy again, those demons can still creep up and bring me to my knees.
That happened a couple of weeks ago. I just hit the wall. I couldn’t pretend my life is great one more minute. I felt like everyone around me was living life and having a blast, but me. I wanted my family back, I wanted my house back, I wanted my life back. I wanted to be thinking about a great trip for us all to take for the holidays: not to think about whether or not I would be traveling alone. Or think about how the kids would be joining me later after they see their father. I didn’t want to be thinking about how we’ll all be split up over Thanksgiving. Hate it hate it hate it. And, with fall around the corner, the dread just came over me.
And then…it passed. I cried for about two days, and then it passed. It didn’t resolve itself, it just passed through me. I started to feel like maybe the worst is over. It doesn’t get better and it doesn’t go away. It just passes through me and washes over me then drifts out the window. And when it comes back, it isn’t as bad anymore, isn’t as intense. I can handle it. Progress has been made. Not forever, but for now and for today.
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I don’t know about you, but I have gained and lost friends over the years: some by my choice and sometimes it’s been their decision. While I have wonderful, long-term friends, not all friendships stand the test of time, in my book. That’s not always a bad thing…it’s just a fact of life and longevity: sometimes things change. I have certain essential qualities in friends that I look for.
Different Friend Groups
I do have my lifelong friends, and they are worth their weight in gold. They are the ones who are my home, who see me a little bit as I was when I was a kid, a little bit as I was when I was a young adult, and they see me as I am now. They remember my parents, the house I grew up in and my first car. And I remember those things about them. Those are the friends who can even come in and out of my life and we just pick up where we left off.
Longtime family friends are the ones who know me as a wife and mother. They don’t really know me as a single person, they know me as part of a couple.
And, I’ve made some new friends since I have been single, which was necessary. I had to. Until now, my world has been with married people, other couples. I needed some friends who I can call on Tuesday night to get a bite to eat. I have been working hard on that group of friends and I am lucky enough to have those people in my life.
Sadly, I have had friends who have dropped me and friends who I have dropped. Even long-term friends. I can honestly say about myself that if I don’t feel like I can trust a friend to have my back in tough situations, I’m out. Not mad, just out. It might not be my best quality, but it is true. Maybe it’s because I lived with a man who couldn’t be trusted, so I couldn’t tolerate that from anyone else who was close.
So, I have come up with a list of attributes that are deal breakers for me when it comes to bringing someone into my life as a friend or more. Without these, it will not be happening. These are not for people who are acquaintances, these are for those close to me. If you like it, use it in your daily life.
My TICT List
- Transparent: Transparency is maybe the most important attribute for me, and I have my husband to thank for that. I thought I knew him, but who I knew was what he wanted me to know. That was throughout our marriage. And, it wasn’t just the bad stuff: it was anything that he thought I might find questionable was left out of the narrative of his daily life and his life before Paula. So, that is number one On my list. I really didn’t even know that it was a thing…it is a thing.
- Integrity: That’s the core. And, not just the the illusion of integrity but the real deal.
- Communication: It killed my marriage and I am sure it has killed millions of others. The lack of communication is a death sentence for any relationship. I have one son who, I am sure, wishes to never again get the communications lecture from his mother. Without it there is just no way to manage the bumps of life.
- Trustworthiness: It took me a long time to really get a good understanding of trustworthiness. It’s not about telling and keeping secrets. It is about honesty between people. Not “Do I look fat in this dress” honesty (but the answer is always no). But the kind of honesty that lets you know that you are getting the whole story. Not a sugar coated version. That is a trustworthy relationship. Give me the truth.
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Since I am starting over at sixty, I get a do-over…a second chance, late in the game, at life. I don’t take that for granted. It wasn’t the way I thought my life would go, but here I am. So, I am taking control of what I want my life to look like, how I want my days and weeks and months to look for the next 30 years (or more), I hope.
Where to Start: Know Your Step One
In planning what my life will look like I am picking a starting point and working out from there. For me, the starting point is my kids. Not one of them lives in our hometown any longer. Maybe one day, but for now, they are spread out across the country. So, it is critical that I be able to travel to visit them or travel with them often. That is a must, that is my tent pole. So, whatever I am doing, I want to be able to pick up and go. I want to be mobile. A couple of things might make it a little tough, like this guy, my dog Red, but he is my bestie so we are in it together
Be Patient and Work Your Plan
I am not complaining about my age…I love where I am and who I am. But, I do know that time isn’t infinite (something that wasn’t on my radar when I was young). In the past, I have had a tendency to jump in head first. Now, I don’t want to waste any time, so I am more pensive about where I am going and what I am doing.
My children aren’t all settled yet. So I am using this time to get ready for the next phase of life. I am not sure what it is, but I feel a real peace knowing that it will present itself to me at the right time. It sounds kind of out-there, I know, but I really do feel it. I am moving in the right direction.
Visualize What Success Will Look Like
When I use the word success, I don’t mean it in monetary terms. It doesn’t have to be a big house or a lot of money. I mean, what will a day in my life look like if I get what I want? When I got married, I had a vision of what life would look like. When I had children I had an idea of what my life would look like. This is no different. What will success be if I get what I want? As a mom. As a grandma (someday). As a partner (maybe). As a volunteer in the community. As a friend.
I get a smile on my face when I think about it, so I must be on the right path.
Take Action
Now, work your way there. If you want to learn something new, learn it. If you want to look different, work on it. If you want more money, work toward it.
Honestly, I don’t know if any of my plans will unfold, but it’s in the process that I find happiness.
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Repost from 2/2/2016
It is official…I am a Cougar! And all I had to do was turn 60 and pay $2.00.
Since I am 60 and live in Ohio I have the opportunity to audit college classes free of charge at some, if not all, state universities. I wanted to take a class that would really expand my horizons, take me out of my comfort zone, teach me to think differently. So I decided to take…wait for it… Accounting!
I should have taken an accounting class 40 years ago but I did not. I should have taken an accounting class before I bought a restaurant franchise but I did not. So, better late than never. I looked at what I was offered at Ohio State since I am a Buckeye, but it was limited. So I took a look at Columbus State Community College and there it was. In bright lights. Introduction to Accounting. Yes. And, I could even take it online. Even better.
CSCC is just about a block from where I live, but I loved the idea of online class, since that is about as foreign to me as accounting itself. I am now three weeks behind because I couldn’t figure out how to navigate the online learning system. I had forgotten that I took a class at Columbus State about 35 years ago. So to them I am not Pharer…I am Pdaniel. Perfect. I stopped in to the bookstore to pick up my textbook. I guess I didn’t really pay attention to the cost of the individual books as my three children went to undergrad. My textbook was $153.00. Now I am afraid to make a mark in it.
So this week I am playing catch-up, just me and my big, giant, expensive book. The hour set aside for Web Chat is Friday at 7 pm. What? Don’t they know that we “Good as Gold” students are finishing up dinner by then (kidding)?
So, here is the best part. The Columbus State mascot is the Cougar. I am a Cougar! Ironic, don’t you think? Sixty years old, soon to be single and a Cougar.
Can’t wait to try out for Drill Team!
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